I’m 4 weeks into a separation. Together almost 10 years, 2 kids a B and G. We have a great life, we own a fantastic home and the kids are growing up just beautifully. It was a very good marriage until about 2-3 years ago. I started smoking marijuana, mainly to relieve the work stress, as an 'after the kids are asleep' activity. My marijuana use escalated and I started to smoke during the day, come home and smoke at lunch and go back to work - my standing at work started to suffer. I became paranoid, irritable and anxious around her and the kids. She is not a prude - she smoked with me sometimes - but eventually she informed me that it just made her uncomfortable since we have young kids. We agreed I would only do it at night when the kids are asleep a couple times a week - she was actually trying to be understanding by giving me this option, I could tell she just wanted me to stop entirely. Eventually there were warning signs, arguments, bad performance reviews at work, warnings about the weed smell from our building management that were maybe directed at someone else in our building but freaked her out obviously. It got to be too much and I just stopped cold turkey for two years.
We've had some really great times in our marriage, we both agreed the two years sober were some of the best times for us - we bought a new home, I got a great paying new job, she grew her home business and we spent the time watching our kids grow from babies to toddlers. I don't know why I decided to start smoking again - one day about four months ago I just started smoking marijuana again and I hid it from her. Maybe I was bored or feeling stress from my current job. I thought that I could use responsibly since everything was going so well - my job, the family, etc. and I was in a better place. Again - the smoking escalated and I'm hiding it from her, doing it during the day. She finds my weed - we argue, she is very hurt by my deception but she agrees that I can use it under the same boundaries - only at night when the kids are asleep, a couple times a week. Of course I keep doing it during the day - and she eventually catches me smoking during the day and is angry that I had lied to her and couldn’t stay within the boundaries we agreed on. We fight, she calms down, and then I get caught sneaking it again a couple weeks later.
Eventually she decides that I don’t respect her and I will not change. Last weekend she caught me smoking during the day again and that was the last straw. Something snapped in her, she said - it’s not the marijuana, it’s the lying. She starts bringing up other things she’s angry about - I don’t appreciate her, I’m ‘controlling’ because I told her that she should spend less time at her neighborhood meetings, I am secretive and irritable all of the time because of my smoking. She brings up mean things I said to her when we were fighting from like 6 years ago that I had even forgotten saying. Her family lives out of state, she asks me if I can go stay with my brother because she ‘needs space’. So I pack a couple days worth of clothes and my laptop and go stay at my brothers. This was 4 weeks ago and it gets much worse ……
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
This was at the beginning of last month. My wife had asked me to leave the house, and I am sleeping on my brother’s couch. My brother lives only a block away from us fyi. I am going back to the house every day to help out - I take the kids to and from school, I walk the dog, I clean the house and do laundry. I go back to sleep at my brothers at night. We schedule an appointment with a marriage counselor - we cannot get an appointment for two weeks, until the middle of the month. She will not talk to me about relationship issues until we are at the therapist appointment. Communication is very business like, mainly logistics about picking up the kids. She tries to stay out of the house when I’m there. When we’re there together it’s like I’m walking on eggshells. One day I am helping my daughter with her homework, but we are not finished by the time she gets home. She is angry at me because I did not finish her homework with her on time, and asks me to leave. Another day I stay a little bit longer to finish cleaning the house. She comes home and is angry at me because I told her I would be gone by the time she got back. I am doing everything wrong. I keep pressing relationship issues, she tells me to give her space and refuses to talk until we are at the counselors. Every day it seems like she is growing more angry, that she is looking for more things to be angry at me about. The more I press her, the more irritated she gets. I begin to feel resentment that I’m the one who has to leave the house every day while life is unchanged for her while she ‘sorts it out’.
One day she goes out of town for two days on a business trip. I stay at the house to take care of the kids. On the second day I pick up my daughter from school in the afternoon. At 5pm my wife will be back home, at 5pm I have to pick my son up from preschool. I am worried about picking my son up from preschool on time - if he is not picked up by the time she gets home I know my wife will be mad. I make a very big mistake. My daughter is on the couch, using my phone to watch youtube videos. When I tell her we have to leave to pick up her brother - she throws a tantrum. My son’s preschool is 5 minutes from my house. I tell my daughter - ok stay here, I will be back in 5 minutes with your brother. I pick up her brother and return 5 min later. When we get back, my daughter is still on the couch watching youtube videos on my phone. She looks up and tells me - ‘Dad while you were gone mom was calling - I told her you left me alone while you went and picked up my brother’. Huge mistake. I know. I am dumb, I will always regret that decision. I am so emotionally worked up that I keep making stupid decisions. My wife returns shortly after. She is very angry. She tells me get out. I try to explain myself, I try to get her to talk. I tell her I’m not leaving until you talk to me, she tells me just get out. I am running around the house going ‘Oh my god what just happened’. I’m in panic mode, and pleading with my wife to talk and work it out. She tells me to get out.
Finally I calm myself down and say ‘ok I’ll leave, just please call me later’. Halfway to my brothers house I turn around and decide to try to talk to her one more time. When I arrive at my condo there is a police car parked outside.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
If she is upset with you for lying/hiding the truth, let your actions speak louder than your words.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Not sure what the "things get worse" means but I hope you can patch things up
I can tell you from a pure legal standpoint I was asked to maybe "move out" when I first was told the words about her not thinking she loved me anymore and wanted a separation. I thought about it but a few friends said DONT LEAVE the house from a legal standpoint
Now it was a hard decision and maybe a huge mistake to stay but I did. I don't think leaving would have helped our sitch now so i have no regrets but it did help from a legal standpoint.
Stinks to even think about it this way but my situation was a bit different than yours. I hope you can get things back on track with halting the smoking and maybe she can then trust you again
_________________________ Me-48 Spouse-WAW 52 Married for 10 years D7 ILYBNILWY 7/15 Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial She files 1/2016 Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Let me just say this. I have NEVER laid a hand on my wife in my life, I SWEAR on my children. I have NEVER verbally threatened ANYONE, much less my own family. My problem is this - when I am stressed out and feel that I am not getting my point across, I raise my voice. I do this unconsciously. Sometimes people ask me - why are are you angry? and I’m not angry. I am just trying to make sure that someone is hearing what I’m saying. Again - I am not a violent guy, I have never laid a hand on anyone in my life, much less my wife.
When I return home, there is a police car parked outside. The doorman asks me - is everything ok? The police are going to your house. I go upstairs and the police are talking to my wife. She is telling them
-I am making her uncomfortable because I am raising my voice and yelling at her (if anything, I raised my voice but I was yelling at myself for being so stupid ‘Oh my god I can’t believe this is happening’) -I ‘was standing in the bathroom door’ while i was talking to her. She felt that I might have been blocking her way and she felt threatened. (This is just unbelievable) -I left my kid alone in the house (again. I am dumb. I made a huge mistake with this)
The police tell me in situations like this, they have to separate us. They are going to take wife and kids to a hotel. I try to calm everyone down. I try to defend myself. I say, please just calm down. My wife can stay here. I will leave and go back to my brothers. Just please tell my wife to call me later so we can sort this out. I leave and go back to my brothers and bang my head on the wall the rest of the night. In the morning I text her and apologize profusely and ask her to talk. No response other than ‘I need space’. The next day two policemen show up at my brothers house. They serve me with a ‘temporary court order of protection’. The temporary court order of protection lasts for 3 weeks and it says I can’t go back to the house, I can’t see my wife or my kids. I can’t contact my wife or kids. There is a hearing on June 3, at the end of the third week - at which time, if my wife decides to have a hearing to make it a ‘permanent court order of protection’ - I may not be able to see my kids for up to 2 years, and it will go on a ‘background check’ which may prevent me from applying for jobs. The cops look at me in sympathy, they tell me they can tell I’m not a violent guy. They tell me that the court hands these orders out like candy, and that they have seen wives strangled and battered - but in my case, I’m getting a bum deal. This is small consolation to me, as you would imagine.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
Not sure what the "things get worse" means but I hope you can patch things up
I can tell you from a pure legal standpoint I was asked to maybe "move out" when I first was told the words about her not thinking she loved me anymore and wanted a separation. I thought about it but a few friends said DONT LEAVE the house from a legal standpoint
Now it was a hard decision and maybe a huge mistake to stay but I did. I don't think leaving would have helped our sitch now so i have no regrets but it did help from a legal standpoint.
Stinks to even think about it this way but my situation was a bit different than yours. I hope you can get things back on track with halting the smoking and maybe she can then trust you again
Yes. I believe if I never left, we would be in a much better place today.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
So I have a ‘temporary court order of protection’ hanging over my head for 3 weeks. I am humiliated, prevented from going home or contacting my wife and kids, sleeping on my brother’s couch. More than anything, I want to contact my wife and plead with her to work this out - but of course, I’ll get in trouble with the courts if I do. My brothers and my sister in law are communicating with my wife. They tell me she wants to work it out, but she doesn’t believe you can change, or even want to change. I decide that - whatever happens between us - that I will make some positive changes in my life and become a better person. I have already been seeing a therapist once a month, I up this to once or twice a week (after apologizing to him for lying that I wasn’t smoking weed). I begin attending 12 step meetings (NA and AA) every day. I am doing 90 12 step meetings in 90 days. I contact a friend out of state who has 15 years of sobriety and he agrees to be my sponsor. I begin the first and second step. At first I don’t believe that I am an ‘addict’. I am in denial about this because ‘it’s just weed’ and ‘I only do a very minimal amount’ and ‘it’s not like I’m in the alley with a needle in my arm’ and ‘hell my wife does it with me every once in a while’. Eventually I begin to sober up and start thinking clearly, and start reading the Big Book. I learn that - it doesn’t matter how far you have fallen, everyone eventually hits their own rock bottom, and this is mine, and thank God I realize that now before I fall any lower. I learn that - it doesn’t matter what your addiction is, weed or heroin or playing video games - if your life has become unmanageable and you are powerless over your addiction to the extent that - your employment is affected, for instance. OR it has destroyed your family - then you have an addiction. I hate the weed so much, I hate that it has destroyed my marriage. I never want to do it again. I decide to never do it again, and to never LIE about anything again, even little things that don’t matter.
I decide - whatever happens to my marriage - something good has to come out of this. I have to become a better person, for my sake and my kids sake.
I have more than 31 days sobriety currently, which is basically peanuts, and continue to attend meetings daily. I try to focus on my work, my project is going well. It’s actually sort of a relief that I’m not able to contact my wife. At times I’m able to put everything out of my mind and be cheerful. I start working out again regularly. During this time, my wife is still in contact with my brothers and sister in law. They tell her what I’m doing, she tells them she’s happy I’m taking things seriously. She continues to communicate with my family. She brings my kids to a family party one weekend. She brings them to stay with my mom - their grandma - another weekend. My sister in law tells me that my wife told her - she wants to work it out, but doesn’t want to talk to me unless it is in marriage counseling, and that I should make some appointments so we can begin counseling as soon as possible after the June 3 date has passed and we can communicate again. She takes the kids out of town to visit her family out of state over the weekend, and I go out of town to visit my sponsor in another state. At this point I am hopeful at the possibility of being able to finally talk to my wife about our marriage again.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
June 3rd is the day of our hearing. I am worried because - if my wife decides to have a hearing to make it a ‘permanent court order of protection’ I may not see my kids for up to 2 years, and it will go on a ‘background check’ which will affect my ability to look for a new job. I hire a lawyer to represent me just in case my wife decides to press the case.
Let me say this again. I SWEAR on my children, I have never lain a hand on that woman, and I have never verbally abused anyone in my life, much less my own family. The terms of the ‘temporary court order of protection’ are just ridiculous
-I was making her uncomfortable because I was raising my voice and yelling at her (if anything, I raised my voice but I was yelling at myself for being so stupid ‘Oh my god I can’t believe this is happening’) -I ‘was standing in the bathroom door’ while i was talking to her. She felt that I might have been blocking her way and she felt threatened. (This is just unbelievable) -I left my kid alone in the house (again. I am dumb. I made a huge mistake with this)
I basically have been prevented from seeing my kids for 3 weeks because I *raised my voice* and *stood in the bathroom doorway*. I am in no way shape or form an abusive guy. Whatever happens to me - I will go to my GRAVE believing that order was a ridiculous travesty of justice.
But I have to get a lawyer in case things go south (which they do - more on that later). Anyway, so my wife has been in communication with my sister in law - she told my sister in law she wants to work it out, but she doesn’t want to talk to me unless it is in marriage counseling - so I should go make a marriage counseling appointment so we can talk asap after the June 3rd date. I am overjoyed to hear this news, and I obtain a referral to a marriage counselor. I have a phone consultation with the counselor and make multiple appointments in a row so that we can begin to talk as soon as the temporary order is lifted. I text my brother - tell my wife I have done as she said and I’ve made multiple appointments with X counselor at X address on X dates. Here is his information. My brother sends her that information, she doesn’t reply. When she gets back from her trip to visit her relatives - she replies and says that she will not be able to make the marriage counseling appointments. This is in the few days leading up to our June 3rd hearing.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
