It's long, so I'll post the relevant stuff. "When W admitted the affair, I was crushed. I didn't and don't believe it. It's wrong and she knew/knows it but did it to me and you anyway. It could destroy this family. But you inspired me. The hope I have for you and the love I feel and the inspiration you give me helps me stay focused on my goals and you rather than lashing out. There have been no tears but I still have hope. We'll revisit in July, I pray for progress, healing and love." "I'm not a perfect man. I've been guilty of anger, of belittling, of ignoring. I haven't always been a great Dad. I haven't always been everything I should have. But with time comes improvement, with love comes a desire to do what's right. With your smile comes all the motivation I need. Thank you, without you I'm not the man I am today." "I want more than anything for you to have a real family. I'm going to keep working for you and I, and hope W wants to make us whole again. For you, I'd wipe the slate clean and start our marriage over. I'd forgive her separation and affair and she'd forgive my poor performance as a husband."
Note: My son may be 3 (nearly 4), but he couldn't understand anything like this yet. He has a speech delay, and is probably at the level of a 2.5 yr old. She meant was I going to save it and give it to him at some later time....
Me: 35 W: 32 S: 4 T: 6 M: 4 Physical Separation official: 5/21 Currently: DR/DBing, Focusing on me and son
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.
Haha. The wife is a little annoyed at me, and what does she do? The first time in two weeks she refuses to call and tell her son goodnight. Pfft. What a joke. When I told her she had to choose between OP and divorce after I found out about it, she cried and said what a good Mom she was and begging me not to keep her from her baby.
Is there a way to put out the batsignal for Sandi? I'd love for her to take a look at my sitch...
Me: 35 W: 32 S: 4 T: 6 M: 4 Physical Separation official: 5/21 Currently: DR/DBing, Focusing on me and son
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.
Journaling. She contacted me last night around 10 asking about bedtime and was disappointed I didn't remind her. She "forgot" to say goodnight to her son. I'm not obligated to remind her, but just said "I thought you were busy."
Comes over this morning around 9 to pick up S, takes him to the pool for a little activity. Asks on the phone on the way do you hate me? She says this based on how I'm talking on the phone. I say no, I'm just thinking about everything and we chat when you get here. FF, we're at the pool and she asks me to tear up the letter from yesterday. She asks what I'm thinking, and before I answer I ask what she's thinking. She says I haven't had time to think I've been working for summer camp too much. (This isn't too far fetched, but there's no way she hasn't thought of everything.) I say I'm thinking about what therapy would be like, and that if we're going to do it we have to know it'll be tough and can't quit at the first bad moment. She picks up on that and asks if my aversion to quitting is why "you're holding on so hard." (Eek? But, now that I think about it, it doesn't mesh with the Do you want a divorce, do you hate me questions.)
She asks me to grab a couple things from the house for him before I leave for my GAL. I grab em, bring em back and say "I tore up the letter. Even though it was just therapeutic for me, I can see where it looks ugly from your point of view." (Pretty good validation I think) I say bye, then she moves in for a hug. I look her in the eyes and we hug. She says bye.
We text a little bit about S during the day and how good of a day he's having. I say I'm going to call at 8 to say goodnight to S.
I've had a good day GAL, although it poured rain while I was outside on a battlefield tour! Had to walk near a mile in it, yuck. Not sure what to think of what she said, but my focus hasn't changed. While on the tour today, kind of scheduled another tour just with a couple of us on a date TBD. Excited about that. Folding my son's clothes now, and going to watch a movie tonight. Feeling good about me!!
Me: 35 W: 32 S: 4 T: 6 M: 4 Physical Separation official: 5/21 Currently: DR/DBing, Focusing on me and son
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.
Is there a way to put out the batsignal for Sandi? I'd love for her to take a look at my sitch...
RSG,
Yes, to signal Sandi you have to post something like the following:
My wife brought the OM home last night and made all three of us sleep together in the MBR. I felt uncomfortable about that even though I don't think they had sex. I didn't want to tell my wife that I was uncomfortable with the OM in my bed because I was afraid she'd get mad at me.
RSG, sry such a delay, I've had a rough couple of days, but you know that since you posted on my thread.
I gotta be honest, with what you wrote, I think it's good your WW found the letter, I would think it forced her to see herself from her sons eyes..
But I think you need to back off from your WW a little right now, based on your interaction at the pool, it seems to me she's torn, and I think her missing you more would be beneficial. Not saying be cold, but keep conversations as short as possible and don't "hang out", good or not she saw the letter, knows you would forgive her, now wait for her to ask for that forgiveness..
Ps- Sandi2 seems to visit my thread a lot, go and respond to the question I asked and then do a ps asking her to look at your thread and what page #, she might see it.
Just be aware, she does teach at church, so I don't know when or if she checks the board on Sunday's.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
I hear you. I'm still wrestling with forgiveness. I think I can do it, but I'm 100%. I think I already noted, but she said she was worried I'd use it as a "kill shot" in arguments for a long time. It's a legit concern and something I'll have to learn to control, and if I do it to immediately stop and apologize. I'd have to hear it from her, but I know some of the reasons I'm responsible. Validation is definitely one, and I'm on the right path there I think.
Counseling would be good for us. We need to have moments together where we show our pain, and the other says "I'm sorry" and consoles. I keep reading about how couples who stick it out after an affair report having a better M than before. That's what I want. I relate it to a nice house that's been unkempt for 6mos or a year. It has a solid foundation, but the kitchen is breaking down, the carpets are soiled, the yard is overgrown, etc. Do you want to leave it and move, or do you rip down the broken house and rebuild something bigger and better? I think we're both strong enough individuals to rebuild, we see something in each other that we want to cultivate again.
For now, I need to work on acting happier around her. I need to contact her less, and allow her to come to me even when it's about S. I need to continue to validate her feelings, continue to look her in the eyes when we speak and continue to control my emotions.
We're supposed to revisit in July. This is the longest month of my life, and it's just started lol.
Yeah, I've seen your stuff Coconut. I feel for you. If we're on an A-Z scale, I'm probably at D and you're around M. Stay strong, keep fighting!!
Me: 35 W: 32 S: 4 T: 6 M: 4 Physical Separation official: 5/21 Currently: DR/DBing, Focusing on me and son
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.
I think I already noted, but she said she was worried I'd use it as a "kill shot" in arguments for a long time. It's a legit concern and something I'll have to learn to control, and if I do it to immediately stop and apologize.
