Moving on

[Painter]

Roist, I need a new lipstick. I will go shop for one today.

Didn't sleep until 3:30 and I have so much work to do... Coffee needs to kick in!

[Phoebe]

I'm sorry that the roller coaster is heading downward again. It's the worst ride. ever.

I was right there awake with you last night. Actually at 3:30 am I was showering, of all the ridiculous things to be doing at that hour. I couldn't sleep and kept tossing and turning. Every time I moved, I was reminded of how sticky I felt because it was a hot humid day and I went for both a hike and a walk. I should have just showered before bed, but by 3:30 I had had it! I made it extra hot to help with sleep afterward, and you know what??? I think I was asleep by 4!

Of course I also woke up like a switch at 8 am, so it was a meager night's sleep. One the other hand, I got those 4 hours without any meds, so...

If lipstick makes you happy, Painter,then buy 10!!!

Hope it's a better evening.

[Painter]

Yup, waking up between 7 and 8 regardless how late it gets. I took a pill so at least I didn't wake up 4 times gasping while being ambushed by thoughts about H and OW. Going to bed early tonight.

I googled some today - 'trauma and infidelity' and found some really interesting articles that stated you can actually get PTSD from being cheated on/abandoned, and that it was the closest thing to the death of a child. Made me feel more validated about feeling so upset and rattled and keep getting attacked by the pain. Phoebe, you might find it interesting.

Also had a long phone chat with a friend who is still trying to move on from her D 5 years ago. She really was so invested in that R and doesn't have a real passion for herself, her identity was completely in that M.

I got a bit of work done today - not as much as I would have liked, but I got a pile of mail off my desk and did some personal business, too. And shopped for my new lipstick (replaced one that was empty). Got a great recommendation for a shop where they can fix my car, so have an appointment for a diagnostic next week.

Going to have to try to get some work done tomorrow morning before I go to work, as well. It's a very busy time for my home office contracting job, so tricky to try to start two new jobs at the same time. And I'm sooooo tired.

[Painter]

When I see my signature, my stomach does a flip. How did this happen to me? It feels like a bad dream, a crazy story.

I need to remember that I was unhappy in my M a lot. And that I tried hard for many years to make it work, and WH didn't want to participate. I asked him to go to MC with me for years and he refused. I still went, on and off.

He just isn't able to do the work. His solution is to move on to yet another partner. It's not my solution but I got to accept that he has. He did it in an extremely hurtful manner and that's all on him.

I also think he's not healthy emotionally. Anger over me having a fulfilling job because it took my attention away from him. Jealousy of the pets because I loved on them and took care of them. Not allowing me to feel upset over his rages (let it go, it's over).

Now he has someone he thinks he can control completely, who only thinks about him, who agrees with him in everything, who puts his wellbeing and interest first and has no needs of her own. Good for him!

6 years ago, before OW, he was taking me to the dentist. I have severe anxiety due to childhood experiences. I had taken tranquilizers and was going to be sedated for the procedure. He spent the entire drive there raging at me for something I can't even remember. I begged him to stop yelling, reminded him that I had taken meds and was trying to stay calm. He just wouldn't or couldn't stop.

I know that eventually, I stopped showing response to his rages. I still reacted internally, but I developed this indifference on the outside to protect myself. He then started complaining about how I didn't show much emotion. I would strive to stay very calm and rational when he raged, and avoid contradicting him. The hardest thing was when he accused me of something that I felt was very unfair. That could get to me and make me indignant.

Let OW have the rages. They won't go away with me. They were there with exW and he also rages with the kids, so I know it's not me.

My dog hasn't run away and hid once since we left. She used to run upstairs and hide when he started, even if she was laying on my lap at the time.

[JujuB]

Hi Painter,

I just wrote a post attempting to rationalize why you should not suffer the loss for a man who never really existed and was deceitful and then I reread what you wrote and deleted it...

Your feelings are your feelings and you don't need to justify or validate them or rationalize them. Maybe just take the time to feel them and with time just make sure they don't interfere with what you wish for out of life.


I'm really sorry. This is a hard thing to cope with.

Hugs

J

[Painter]

Juju, I appreciate it.

It's hard because that wasn't all he was, you know? He was also loving in his own way, proud of me, willing to listen, helpful (although not so much to me as to strangers), and a very hard worker. And we had a really strong connection on several levels. People commented on how much we talked to each other.

But we disagreed a lot and he had no tolerance for disagreement. To me, disagreement is expanding - to him, it's an existential threat. And a rebellion he needs to strike down.

And I pushed for something he just couldn't give or didn't know how to. He just wouldn't share his feelings (except the angry ones). Maybe I'm just asking for too much from a R.

[Painter]

Had a bad phone convo with H today. We had to discuss some finances. He got furious at a request I made (catching up on alimony payments) because he needs cash. As usual, he has overspent. Also, the reality of separation is hitting him. He is struggling to pay for everything. He took it all out on me.

OW was in the background part of the time and overheard him ranting at me. I was calm on my end. It was an eerie flashback to 10-15 years ago, when he was ranting and raging at Ex on the phone while I was listening.

[Zues126]

That is eerie. It's interesting how people try to replace spouses. To me it would be like if someone lost their newborn baby to some disease, so they bundled up some rags inside of a pillow case, drew a face on with a magic marker, and started carrying it around with them and called it their 'baby'. Trying to replace your spouse with some other person is just as freak show in my book.

Say, one thing that works for me is email. I don't know that I've spoken with XW in over 18 months. Maybe an 'ok' here and there, or a 'yes, I've got the red homework folder'. But that's honestly the most I've spoken to her. Other than that I use email. We email a couple of times a month for kid reasons.

Email is great because I can use the minimum number of words needed, weed out any emotion or agenda beyond the task at hand, and as a result I am so far removed from XW I am practically living in a different universe. Which is PERFECT for me. I feel very detached, very safe, and very unencumbered by whatever the weather is like in her universe.

Is it possible you could do email and occasional text only?

[Painter]

Zues, we mostly e-mail and text, but H sometimes ignores them or doesn't answer in more than a few words, and never reads anything past the first paragraph I write. He is happy to just leave stuff undone - always been that way.

This will not last - we don't have children that we need to coparent, so once this year is over, I expect no further communication.

I didn't expect him to go off at the deep end like he did today. He is definitely struggling financially. I took care of the finances and he always spent whatever he liked regardless whatever budget I set up. Now he'll blame me for being broke, I'm sure. He couldn't understand that I have any expenses. I explained that I had to buy some new office equipment for my contracting business that I do from home, since I left all of ours behind - and he went into a fit about how much I had paid.

I said that this was why I felt it was such a bad idea to separate at a time where we were just improving so much financially. He said 'it wasn't worth it'. I assume he meant that it wasn't worth a financially safe future to stay married to me.

[Zues126]

Got it. I envy your ability to cut ties altogether in the not too distant future. Although it's all pretty bad.

For some reason it reminds me of the Monty Python movie Life Of Brian, where Brian is going to be crucified and the old guy in the dungeon is jealous, 'you lucky bastard, I wish I got crucifixion', that whole stick. (Crucifixion? No, freedom. Just kidding, I'm crucifixion really. Ha ha, first door on the left, one cross each...guess you had to see it)

As for spew, I guess exes are kind of like traffic or internet forums (other than DB), where it seems to bring out their worst. I never quite got it. I mean, I have long since stopped being interested in R, yet I still try hard to be professional. I never quite understood why exes had to get so nasty. I am really challenging myself and I just can't remember behaving that way.

Oh well. Just another mystery of life. I'll let you solve it for me and I'll follow your lead. Hang in.