What Should I be doing (4)

[Coconut]

I think you handled it well. We are a lot alike Coconut. When I read your exchanges between you and your W I swear I am reading my texts and how we speak to each other. Except in my case I was definitely controlling and demanded too much.
My wife works in that field as well. She is a part time EMT who is now in paramedic school.
You are so fortunate to have Sandi and Wonka posting on your sitch
Wonka will definitely throw around some 2x4's:)
He cracked me a whole bunch my last time around

CBT, If I was to post older texts they were completely different, in fact, most of the time I wouldn't even respond (only because I nvr chkd my phone, but I 180d that because I know it drove her crazy).

My counselor said that she sees a lot of firefighters and police in MC due to A, I guess there is a thing with people in uniform... My W just does it as volunteer work, we actually work together in our careers.

I'm definitely lucky Sandi2 and Wonka paid so much attention to me, Sandi held my hand through most of this and Wonka would step in and knock me back on the rails...

Ps - I'm pretty sure Wonka is a she, not he

[cbtdad]

Oops. Didn't mean to offend Wonka:)
My bad. Lol
Yeah, actually that's what started my anxiety again about a year ago when she started working in that field. I read a lot of stuff online about paramedics and firefighters ending up with awful marriages, affairs, etc
They spend a lot of time together. In high stress situations. These are some of the things I read about. It got my anxiety through the roof.
But I am learning I can't control her or the environment. Everyone has free will and its up to each individual on what they wish to do with it

[Coconut]

DB family, I'm sorry to let you all down, but I'm ending my marriage. I'm not strong enough to live with her, I can't trust her, and I putted her A to the station...

I'll come back and post, but right now I just need to be..

[Wonka]

Coconut,

What prompted you to make that post? Remember this is a roller coaster and requires a ton of patience. You're in the early stages. Negative emotions are like passing clouds: temporary.

Stay the course. You're doing well. I'd want to get you into IC ASAP.

Hang in there. ((((Coconut))))

[cbtdad]

Coconut what ever happened hang in there. This is an emotional roller coaster.

[EDF]

Ultimately we understand each of us need to do what's right for ourselves. Just please consider not doing anything spur of the moment - take a couple more days with no further action to really consider any big moves.

If you're confident something is what you have to do, then you lose nothing by merely waiting a couple days and reflecting.

[BluWave]

C-nut,

We are here to support you however we can, even if that does mean you want to end your M. That is a choice that only you can make. You may only feel that way today, or you may continue to feel that way over time; both are perfectly fine. You have the right to change your mind every day if you need to. Can you at least tell us what happened? We can agree to put our 2*4s away for now; just let us know what YOU need from us.

-Blu

[RSG]

Think about it long and hard. If you must, you must. But fear isn't a reason to quit. It WILL be hard. There'll be days of tears, anxiety, arguments, fear, etc. Not based on my own experience of course, but I've been reading extensively about what happens in reconciliation/counseling following an A.

Good luck Coconut. Whatever you decide, take your time.

[Coconut]

Ok, I'm gonna explain what happened. W told me she was meeting up with friend again Friday night to study more, I understood that to mean at the other station. I went out to dinner, on my way home I drove by W station and saw her car there. I was upset because I thought she was going to the other station.

I saw her out behind the station with 4 other M firefighters, kicking a ball around with one of them. I then text her and asked if OM was there, she said no and asked why, I said because she'd been there for a long time (it was about 930.

I had to go to grocery store, and on way home I then saw her out in the back of the parking lot with one guy standing by his truck talking, they weren't standing close, but we're there talking fo about 10 mins just the two of them. I text her and asked if she was still practicing (was supposed to be practicing putting the breathing gear on) and she didn't respond. I then called her about 3 mins later, she answered and I asked if she was still practicing, she said huh, so I asked again and she said "I'm still at the station" and I felt like she was avoiding my question, so I asked who that guy she was talking to. She said it was the guy who runs the honor guard, so I said ok and hung up.

She then started to leave the station and called me, she asked why I was spying on her, I said cause you told me you were going to fake boob friends station and I then saw you at your station, and she wasn't there, and I said that for at least the last hour she was hanging out, not practicing, and I wasn't ok with her being in the back of the lot hanging out with another guy. She got heated and I hung up on her.

Some back and forth texts, her saying she did nothing wrong, me saying she wasn't honest with me, avoided my question when I asked if she was still practicing. Eventually I went back to I'm not ok with her being at the station, and it was either me or fire fighting. She would not agree to drop out, and I said then you've made your choice. I then posted one of the text pages I have of her and OM on the firestations group me group chat, and captioned "nice fkn dept. to assign a predator adulterer to do the partner packet with my hot wife".

W flipped out when she saw I posted it, text "you son of a b", "it's a place of business, that's not ok" & "I hate you".

I then went home about midnight, she locked me out of the MBR, I picked the lock and said I'm staying in her until our D is final. She started in on me about posting it, I said you did it, those were your words, I just shared it.. Then she went to the guest bedroom.

She went to class this morning, when she got home she said "this might be a dumb question, but are you going to the concert" I said that was not something I wanted to do. She kept coming in and out of MBR getting ready, and eventually asked if we were going to sit down and talk about it at some point, I said sure, but your getting ready so I didn't think now is the best time... On her way out, she asked if she could have a hug (we weren't talking except for what I posted), so I was kinda surprised, I paused then said ok. On her way out she said she would text me when they are on the way home.

I woke up when she was getting ready for bed, chkd my phone, no text, and asked if she wanted to talk, she said she was exhausted and let's talk in morning... That's were I'm at right now... I'm not ok with her being at department, and I'm gonna move out if she doesn't quit..

[Coconut]

I am not a jealous person by nature, even though I was cheated on twice before, and one was a 3 year relationship that left me for a coworker of ours that I was ok with her hanging out with.

When W and I got together, I knew and worked with her most recent ex (I was ok with it) and the biological father of my son was still in the picture (due to son) and persuing my W (girlfriend at the time), she had to go to his house often and pick up son, but I was ok with it, because I knew she was interested in me, I knew she chose me to R with.

But now she didn't choose me, she chose OM, but wants to work on us, but her heart isn't into me, kinda like she's deciding to try and like me again. I'm not comfortable with her having close friendships with all these firefighter men, especially when I see one on one time (I didn't lose it until I saw her one on one, before that I was just upset that she was hanging out with them instead of coming home and hanging out with me and son). I'll say it again, my wife is very hot, 40 and looks 25, she's 5'2, 115lbs with long beautiful blonde hair, most people would say my wife is a 8 or 9 and a 10 for her age.

Am I being overly controlling to not want her in the fire academy? I'm willing to consider her doing it again in 6 months after we figure us out. I would like opinions on that question.