Well betterm, check out my thread for my latest updates.
I will do this for sure, I'm trying to incorporate myself in other peoples threads, as I know that even though each person's sitch is significantly different, there are a lot of 'common denominators' and ideas that relate to most of the people on this site, as far as finding your path to where you want to be.
Originally Posted By: DDJ
I think it's about being grounded in who you are and what you stand for. i am finding God, better yet, I think he's finding me.
Funny say that. Upon listening and writing on these topics, I actually considered going to Church for the first time last weekend for the first time in 15 or so years.
Unfortunately, one of the first things that came into my head was, wow, if I really went to church and W found out, she'd see I'm serious about these changes. (related to our last posts, don't tell people what you're doing, let them see it for themselves via your actions). I didn't go, but I still might.
Originally Posted By: doodler
betterm,
I think the quoted paragraph above summarizes the core of the divorce busting mentality. We love our spouses so much that we'd do almost anything to keep them, but that's not what they want given their current mindset. That's what makes a true 180 so difficult; it's unnerving and difficult to do something that is seemingly going to pull you further away from your spouse.
Thank you. and I agree with what you're saying completely. I've had so many thoughts/ideas on how I'd like to change and chart my path, and it's been followed a lot with, 'but that may take me so far away from W that there's no way we could reconcile'... I know that's not what I should be doing.
When I started on here (I'm sure you all know), I was a wreck, panic, scared, etc. While it's still up and down, I can see my progress, and I am now trying to only care about if I, personally, see the progress, and not whether or not my W is noticing the changes, I'm realizing now that her view of me and my actions are not why I'm making changes in my life. It's for me. It's difficult at times to see things this way, for what you stated above, but it's really all about that. As DDJ said, it's about making RIGHT choices for YOU, not anyone else. And making those changes based on well thought-out logic and reason (not emotion, fear, etc) for why you want to make said changes.
When I started on here (I'm sure you all know), I was a wreck, panic, scared, etc. While it's still up and down, I can see my progress, and I am now trying to only care about if I, personally, see the progress, and not whether or not my W is noticing the changes, I'm realizing now that her view of me and my actions are not why I'm making changes in my life.
I thought you were very lucid and composed relative to most on this forum.
And, just in case, if you ever need boxes cheap, I know a guy; I can hook you up.
Well, It's my cheat day. So I'm going to plow into this Five Guys Bacon Cheeseburger, as all this healthy food I've been eating recently has me on the verge of sickness. It's like tearing away the needle from a heroin addict. This grease is going to be so delicious, and then I'll regret it about 10 minutes later! ...not unlike a lot of my actions/decisions in the past few months HAAHA
like DDJ said, confronting my wife about EA might have been a bad idea for reconciling the M. However, since it was done (short timeline, I know), the last two days have been the FIRST two days in almost two months, that I haven't been watching my phone, hearing it buzz and hoping like h3ll it's my W checking in, etc. I haven't had a single urge to call her, text her, snoop her phone records, etc. I know it's only been two days, and the 'fight' we had over the EA wasn't great, but it's starting to seem like it sped up, at least my side of the process, to detach like I should've already been doing.
I still haven't received papers, and I'm actually in complete shock I haven't, as W is typically one to make drastic decisions in the moments of rage and anger (ahem, big problem), but I do know that I have to be teetering on the edge of this thing. I'm probably teetering closer to the D than ever before, yet somehow, I'm become more calm about the acceptance of it. I'm caring less about the "reasons", "reactions", and "decisions" based on how to SAVE MY MARRIAGE... I
I still need to find some new ways to utilize my time. Reading and Writing is great, but I need more. I'm gonna write down some goals tonight on some personal things I'd like to do/accomplish in the next X days/weeks. And this time, it's not going to be: goal1: save my marriage, goal2: be happy with wife, goal3: start rainbows and unicorns garden... but, realistic, personal, measurable goals for me that I can spend this extra time on, now that I'm not constantly worrying about her and her opinions of me.
Also, I think I'm going to change my name/handle on this site. I signed up with the name "BetterMePlzzzz" but once it translated over to the forums, it always says "betterm" and makes me think of "Better Marriage"... that's not what I was going for when I originally signed up. Does it really matter? yes? no? If it weren't for the acronyms on here I'd never even thought of it that way, but I think I'll change it on next thread
You might need to grieve the loss of her and then find the strength to chart a new course. Only when your ship has sailed and you're free is when your WW would see the want to come back.
Grieving is something I've never done well. I guess just something that I never learned. I've always bottled things up... Its coming back to haunt me tonight.
My work doesn't allow me time to let my problems get to me too much, too much thinking on the task at hand. Cooking dinner, doing dishes, laundry, tending to the animals... That's when I really struggle with my situation. Just when things seem to be clearing up for me, I break down and get drilled with a right hook from h3ll.
Makes me reconsider the decision of staying here at the house, knowing I'll be alone because she won't come home if I'm here... I know this is the up and down we all struggle with. I can't let it get me down... Tomorrow is another day.
Makes me reconsider the decision of staying here at the house, knowing I'll be alone because she won't come home if I'm here... I know this is the up and down we all struggle with. I can't let it get me down... Tomorrow is another day.
betterm,
I was afraid that staying the house alone would be terribly lonely, but I've had so many home projects to complete that I'm able to remain busy.
Of course, look at me now, I'm posting on a DB forum. I know what you're thinking, "What a loser!" But, when it's this time of night, my old dog starts to fall asleep and she farts and scares herself and jumps up and runs away. It's great evening entertainment! And you thought I was a loser...
Makes me reconsider the decision of staying here at the house, knowing I'll be alone because she won't come home if I'm here... I know this is the up and down we all struggle with. I can't let it get me down... Tomorrow is another day.
betterm,
I was afraid that staying the house alone would be terribly lonely, but I've had so many home projects to complete that I'm able to remain busy.
Of course, look at me now, I'm posting on a DB forum. I know what you're thinking, "What a loser!" But, when it's this time of night, my old dog starts to fall asleep and she farts and scares herself and jumps up and runs away. It's great evening entertainment! And you thought I was a loser...
Thanks for the laugh, doodler. Seriously, I laughed out loud for real... I was thinking about the things I listed earlier that has been 'better' the past two days since my W and mine's last "blowout". I forgot to mention that I wasn't constantly checking my DB topic to see if anyone has posted some magical jellybean theory on how I can solve all my problems...
However, when I sat down to list some new goals for me to focus on... Oddly, the DB community was one of the first things that came to mind. I've grown an [online] relationship with some more than others, but the community as a whole has been great. Sadly, or not sadly, but because I'm such an introverted person, I find it easy to pour myself out to you all than I do anyone in person. You guys/gals... are like a second family.
I had no intentions of having the DB community involved in any of my goals... but you made a clear stance near the top of my list, to involve myself in others stories and try to help out any way I can. Compassion comes in many ways, and I want to give back, and quit focusing on my own PPM story.
but, realistic, personal, measurable goals for me that I can spend this extra time on, now that I'm not constantly worrying about her and her opinions of me.