To sum this another way...........the H must take a stand. He is the lighthouse. She is out there in the waves being tossed around by her emotions. When she looks at him, she needs to see him standing tall and strong. He shines a beam of light to show her how to get back into a healthy MR. It is up to her to follow the lighted way or remain in stormy waters. When he tells her what it will take to save the MR, that is shinning the beam of light..........he is showing her the way back. It takes a great deal of strength to stand firmly and not crash under the strain. If the lighthouse is sending mixed messages.......well, you can see what a mess it could be.
Here is another anaology of the lighthouse that Sandi2 said in my thread, I thought it was a great explanation of what it means. Let them know what they have to do do to return to the marriage, and wait for them to do those things.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
I just read your thread and I am very sorry you are here.
I failed miserably at following the rules and being the lighthouse. Please, listen to the folks on this site. They know what they are talking about. I was a hard headed guy who thought he could fix anything. Now I know that you cant fix people.
My situation has been going on since March of 2015. I hope you guys are able to resolve the issues sooner than later but get ready for the long haul. I never thought I would still be going through the emotions this long.
It sounds like you are on the right track and are doing much better than I did. Just hang in there.
TK
M:39 W:40 S:10 S:7 D:12 BD:3/5/15 Separate BR:3/5/15 W moved out with kids 1/3/16
However, the underlying problems are still there obviously. She didn't really change, which I think is the main issue although I know I have lots of work to do too.
What if she never changes? Would you accept her the way she is.....for the rest of your lives?
I actually sympathize with you, but I've learned as long as we wait for the other spouse to change....the more stress we put on ourselves. If we allow their actions to affect us negatively, we soon look like the enemy in their eyes.
You cannot make her change to suit you. You cannot control her. So, what's left? Your decision.
Quote:
Our communication has been horrible, we're quick to anger, know how to go for the jugular in arguments, and care too much about winning than solutions.
Yep, understand very well. Here's the thing......you two continue doing the same action but expect different results. It doesn't work that way. So, what can YOU do (not her, but you) to learn how to communicate more effectively?
Which is most important to you.......winning in a conversation battle on who is right......or being happy?
Quote:
She says we're separated, and I've come to accept that.
Are her reasons for separating based on that she's been unhappy for years?
Have you seen this trainwreck coming?
Is she going to physically live in a separate house, or stay under the same roof with you?
Word of advice, don't try to persuade her by talking. Obviously, that doesn't work well. Use this time to find the guy you use to be....or become better than he was.
And seriously, check into learning effective communication. It may not just be her, if you know what I mean.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, wow. Eye opening stuff, thank you!! Let me address these one by one:
1)Yes, I'm prepared to accept her as she is. I know I can change my reactions to things, and my communication. You really opened my eyes about my reactions. Eye rolling, groaning, etc are things she really hates. I have worked on them, but I know I can work even harder and come as close to eliminating them as possible. Basically you put it down to accepting her as is, or getting out. I like that.
2) Sometimes it hasn't even been "winning" but just complaining. Showing respect from the beginning can really change the outlook of a conversation.
3) No I haven't seen this coming, but her reason for separating is because she's been "unhappy for a long time." I thought there were a lot of things affecting her, but, from my point of view, she's trying to see if eliminating the marriage can make her happy. She took some of her clothes and perfume and moved to a friend's house. I'm definitely using this time for me. Working on myself, doing things to get out, eating better, being a great Dad for my son, etc.
I'm definitely working on my communication. And have done a good job keeping my conversation, in person, via phone and text, secluded to our son and whatever she wants to talk about. I don't instigate anything. (It ain't easy!)
Me: 35 W: 32 S: 4 T: 6 M: 4 Physical Separation official: 5/21 Currently: DR/DBing, Focusing on me and son
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.
Sandi, wow. Eye opening stuff, thank you!! Let me address these one by one:
1)Yes, I'm prepared to accept her as she is. I know I can change my reactions to things, and my communication. You really opened my eyes about my reactions. Eye rolling, groaning, etc are things she really hates. I have worked on them, but I know I can work even harder and come as close to eliminating them as possible. Basically you put it down to accepting her as is, or getting out. I like that
I may be wrong, but I don't think that Sandi was saying to accept her as is.. Your W told you to take your kid to the park, then she packed up her $hit and bailed... Think about that, are you gonna live life wondering if she will be there when you get home?
I think That you need to work on yourself, including your communication, then she needs to "want" to be with you, want it enough that she is willing to do whatever it takes to make you two succeed... How things are aren't working, you are worth having a W that will tell you when there are issues, or at the very least, tell you when they are leaving you.. Work on you.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
I may be wrong, but I don't think that Sandi was saying to accept her as is.. Your W told you to take your kid to the park, then she packed up her $hit and bailed... Think about that, are you gonna live life wondering if she will be there when you get home?
I think That you need to work on yourself, including your communication, then she needs to "want" to be with you, want it enough that she is willing to do whatever it takes to make you two succeed... How things are aren't working, you are worth having a W that will tell you when there are issues, or at the very least, tell you when they are leaving you.. Work on you.
You're right. My Mom told me that as well. I'm just trying not to let anger get the best of me. I'm working on putting the past behind me, except as a reference. I am working on me. Doing my best to take care of me, and my son, and to let her communicate at her own pace. Cadet said she shows depression signs, and when I looked up the symptoms I agreed him. Actually, today she told me she's going to schedule a Dr's appointment when time allows because she's been having chronic headaches, tummy troubles and sleeps terribly. I'm starting DR today, so my techniques should be improving quickly.
Me: 35 W: 32 S: 4 T: 6 M: 4 Physical Separation official: 5/21 Currently: DR/DBing, Focusing on me and son
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.
Actually she told me she's going to schedule a Dr's appointment when time allows because she's been having chronic headaches, tummy troubles and sleeps terribly.
All more signs of the terrible stress and turmoil she is in, which is all self induced and you did not cause.
IE - DEPRESSION
She will deny it most likely as that is part of the script and I doubt that anti depressants will help her also.
