I have read much of the homework. I am also fighting the urge to ask her about us whenever I see her. In the moment I'm dying to, but later on I realize it'd be terrible because whenever I see her it's a quick moment that doesn't lend itself to discussion.
I've tried to access the chapter on numerous computers but it doesn't work. That said, I'm picking up my copy from library tomorrow!
Me: 35 W: 32 S: 4 T: 6 M: 4 Physical Separation official: 5/21 Currently: DR/DBing, Focusing on me and son
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.
The more I talk to her, I see that talking about us is just going to reinforce her choice. That's not to say it's not difficult. It's hard for everyone, but harder for those of us who hate not knowing what's going on. I've decided to keep texts related to our son, or to how she's doing at work, etc unless she asks about me. I'm trying to work on myself. Doing reading, encouraging myself, trying to get into a couple things to get out with friends when I can, etc.
My situation: We've been together for about 5 years and married for 3+. We have a wonderful 3 year old boy who we both love to death. I'll start with my problems. I took her for granted, in general. She'd cry about something, and I'd just tell her it's no big deal and get over it. I didn't compliment her like I should have. I didn't talk to her in a way that made her feel good. I'm quick to freak out when I'm not in control of things, and she doesn't like that at all. As for her, she's chronically unhappy and that kind of runs downhill. She doesn't like to talk about things and will shout me down. She likes to tell me what to do. We both have poison tongues, but she can do some real damage with hers.
I'm trying to take it slow. All that stuff above hurts, especially those things I've done wrong. I started improving after she tried to leave in January, but I didn't think she was terribly serious so I didn't look into books, strategies, etc.
I'm just trying my best to be a friend, great Dad, and to make myself better. I still run the gambit of emotions, but am better able to manage it now because I have clear goals. I'm scared to death, and I think she is too. But, I'm dead set to work on what I can and when she's ready, to work on us!!
Me: 35 W: 32 S: 4 T: 6 M: 4 Physical Separation official: 5/21 Currently: DR/DBing, Focusing on me and son
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.
As for her, she's chronically unhappy and that kind of runs downhill. She doesn't like to talk about things and will shout me down. She likes to tell me what to do.
So you married someone who is depressed? You both want to be in CONTROL?
Hang in there RSG. No better place to throw out your thoughts. Don't throw any at her just us! And don't forget to add to others threads, because you reinforce your own beliefs when you help others.
I was/am very controlling, to the clothing she bought, the food she ate, the places we went - all me! I'm starting to learn to "lose" that control for her. I can only control myself, the rest is all noise.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
I don't think she's depressed, but can't find what makes her consistently happy. She has good moments, but then gets stressed about something else. It seems to me right now she's trying to see if it's the marriage that is causing her to be unhappy. The don't believe anything she says thing is hard, but I can see it. She puts on a tough face, but is a soft person. Yesterday she said she's "doing great" but just a little tired and said she went to bed around 8.
Neither of us like being told what to do. We have tended to TELL the other person things rather than asking, and coming up with something mutually. She's a preschool teacher, and I've felt like sometimes she talks to me like one of her kids. But instead of addressing it, I'd just get angry or make a snide comment.
I'm about to be 35, she is 32.
Me: 35 W: 32 S: 4 T: 6 M: 4 Physical Separation official: 5/21 Currently: DR/DBing, Focusing on me and son
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.
I don't think she's depressed, but can't find what makes her consistently happy. She has good moments, but then gets stressed about something else. It seems to me right now she's trying to see if it's the marriage that is causing her to be unhappy.
RSG She has to make herself happy it is NOT the marriage but their is no way you can tell her that, she must figure it out on her own.
[quote=RSG] RSG She has to make herself happy it is NOT the marriage but their is no way you can tell her that, she must figure it out on her own.
Not being happy is a sign of depression. Sorry!
My mom mentioned depression might be possible. As much as I hurt, I want her to be happy. I hope this time helps her to figure things out. Also, I have to do my part to help and show her that I'm happy. Our son wears a smile 24/7, so he does his part! Is there anything else I can do to help her, that won't feel like pressure or stress?
Me: 35 W: 32 S: 4 T: 6 M: 4 Physical Separation official: 5/21 Currently: DR/DBing, Focusing on me and son
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.
[quote=RSG] Give her as much space as possible. You didnt break her and you can not FIX her.
Right. I'm trying hard with that. I looked up signs of depression, and she does have some of them. I'm going to try to just be available and a friend until she says otherwise.
Me: 35 W: 32 S: 4 T: 6 M: 4 Physical Separation official: 5/21 Currently: DR/DBing, Focusing on me and son
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.
I'm going to try to just be available and a friend until she says otherwise.
I would suggest to treat her like someone you see on the street. You don't go tell them to smile and be happy, or to DO anything. You are just friendly if they approach you. Read the Lighthouse thread. The Lighthouse does not run all around trying to guide ships into the harbor. It just shines bright and lets the ships find there own way.
