So last night she went to a baseball game with some friends. (Actually some people from the political campaign she is a part of). That was her event that she could not tell me about yesterday. I did not ask her where she was going she decided to divulge this information when she got home. I did not engage as much as I normally do. I was playing on my phone. I did tell her a little about my day (a dog followed me home) which in hindsight I should not have said.
I need to stop looking through her phone. It is an addiction of mine. I saw her selfies (really?! how old are we?!) and group pics. She is with some men I do not know.
In my mind I thought she was for sure with the man I believe she is having the EA with.
Oh, forgot to mention. I have to stop this habit I have of waiting at the garage door when she gets home. I greet her and help her with anything she is holding. I used to follow her around like a puppy after she got home in hopes my niceness would lead to something.
I remember one time I did not greet her at the door (I fell asleep) and she was keen to complain about it.
I know I am a whupped H and I need to cut her off. It will not be as easy as I first thought. I see I was very dependent on WW for my emotional needs. Couple that with the fact we did everything together. I mean like everything.Now that is gone and I keep hopping on and off the crazy train.
M-41 W-46 T- 17 years M- 13 yrs SS - 25 SD- 22 D 11 ILYBNILWY - 6/6/15 Status - DBing, GAL
I have a question about this step 8-Cut off all joint cell phone plans (you are not financing W's affair by paying for her smartphone to continue conducting her A on the family's money)
My question is do I cancel her phone # or set her up with a separate plan and leave her with next months bill. I want to just drop her but I am sure that will be construed as heartless
earlier in your thread you stated "When she asks I will tell her that I the family finances are not for the single lady."
Have that conversation with her. First sit down and figure out what needs to be separated, cell phone, car insurance, car payment, etc., then sit with her and let her know when the last payment will be made by you and that she will need to reassign them to herself and start paying them or you will cancel them at that time. Of course, if the car loan is in your name as well, you may want to consider continuing to pay.
Don't do it in a vindictive manner, let her know that since she is intent on moving out and moving on, you need to start working on getting all the finances in order and this is the first step.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Hi Step Up, I am catching up with your thread, and this may turn out to be a lengthy post. I want to start with this quote from you:
Quote:
I found her in pics with another guy on fb. She swears she is not seeing anyone and if she is " I will be the first to know". She has been to his house and out dancing w him. He posted video on fb (don't you know your friend's friend's can see your activity?) We do live together but there is no touching except for sex which involves no kissing. We sleep under separate blankets in the same bed. I pay the bills and she does not cook, clean or eat at the house. She is always on the phone with friends (male or female) and does not look at me while talking. She does not let me see who she is on the phone with. She has been buying new clothes every pay day (including sexy underwear). She is planning to spend her birthday at the end of this month somewhere without me.
Start right here ^^^^^^^^. She is lying to you, b/c there is an OM. She may cover up or pass it off as "just friends", but she is in some type of inappropriate affair. My question to you is are you okay with it? Is a third person in your M a deal breaker?
If you will not tolerate an open M, then you must "step up" and make a lot of changes. I know right away you have all the traits of the nice-guy. Btw, if you have not read about it, there is free download online. Please read it ASAP. When you read it, you will understand the term of nice-guy. (And it doesn't mean to be a bad guy).
First thing you need to do is gear up as though you were going into the biggest challenge of your life. You must have all the tools and training you can get. read my threads about the wayward wife. Dont't skim over it, digest it. Read the link on detaching, b/c it's not what most people assumes. Read the link on setting boundaries. In fact, just read what Cadet posted.
So.......back to your quote above. Your W has a princess entitlement, and you are enabling her to continue. You have gone from being the respected head of the home to being in a subservient role. Maybe you have never behaved as though you were in charge, and you were the leader and provider of the family. Maybe you are not sure how to do it. You need to learn, b/c your W is carrying your b@lls around with her. So, think about it. How can you get back your b@lls?
I strongly advise you to stop treating her as a princess. She is not a princess, she's a spoiled br@t. She control your life and probably bullies you. Clearly, she has no respect for you. Nothing will work to save the MR, until she respects you as a man and as her H. Women are designed in such a way that they have to feel respect for a man in order to feel desire for him. I don't mean just doing the sex act, but for her to really desire you in her heart.........that feeling of being in love with her man. Know what I mean?
You are not making any brownie points by doing all the work at home, while she does whatever she pleases. Have you always done all the work? This dynamic must change immediately. No more miss spoiled br@t. She is a mother and a wife. She has a home with responsibilities. Those things should come first in her life.
In a healthy MR, there is no privacy between the spouses. In fact, one of the first signs something is not right is when you see her having several private phone calls. You know, like she leaves the room to talk, always has the phone glued to her, and doesn't share anything with you. But your W has excluded you from everything in her life. And, she has you under her thumb and has you stuck at home while she's gallivanting around and acting like a single woman with no responsibilities or accountability. She expects you to give her an account for every move you make.........and you apologized b/c you failed to tell her?? Yes, you most definitely are a doormat for her to wipe WW poop off her shoes.
You seemed surprised by the D papers. Has she discussed divorce with you?
Hi Step Up, I am catching up with your thread, and this may turn out to be a lengthy post. I want to start with this quote from you:
Quote:
I found her in pics with another guy on fb. She swears she is not seeing anyone and if she is " I will be the first to know". She has been to his house and out dancing w him. He posted video on fb (don't you know your friend's friend's can see your activity?) We do live together but there is no touching except for sex which involves no kissing. We sleep under separate blankets in the same bed. I pay the bills and she does not cook, clean or eat at the house. She is always on the phone with friends (male or female) and does not look at me while talking. She does not let me see who she is on the phone with. She has been buying new clothes every pay day (including sexy underwear). She is planning to spend her birthday at the end of this month somewhere without me.
Start right here ^^^^^^^^. She is lying to you, b/c there is an OM. She may cover up or pass it off as "just friends", but she is in some type of inappropriate affair. My question to you is are you okay with it? Is a third person in your M a deal breaker?
If you will not tolerate an open M, then you must "step up" and make a lot of changes. I know right away you have all the traits of the nice-guy. Btw, if you have not read about it, there is free download online. Please read it ASAP. When you read it, you will understand the term of nice-guy. (And it doesn't mean to be a bad guy).
First thing you need to do is gear up as though you were going into the biggest challenge of your life. You must have all the tools and training you can get. First, read NMMNG, then read my threads about the wayward wife. Dont't skim over it, digest it. Read the link on detaching, b/c it's not what most people assumes. Read the link on setting boundaries. In fact, just read what Cadet posted.
So.......back to your quote above. Your W has a princess entitlement, and you are enabling her to continue. You have gone from being the respected head of the home to being in a subservient role. Maybe you have never behaved as though you were in charge, and you were the leader and provider of the family. Maybe you are not sure how to do it. You need to learn, b/c your W is carrying your b@lls around with her. So, think about it. How can you get back your b@lls?
I strongly advise you to stop treating her as a princess. She is not a princess, she's a spoiled br@t. She control your life and probably bullies you. Clearly, she has no respect for you. Nothing will work to save the MR, until she respects you as a man and as her H. Women are designed in such a way that they have to feel respect for a man in order to feel desire for him. I don't mean just doing the sex act, but for her to really desire you in her heart.........that feeling of being in love with her man. Know what I mean?
You are not making any brownie points by doing all the work at home, while she does whatever she pleases. Have you always done all the work? This dynamic must change immediately. No more miss spoiled br@t. She is a mother and a wife. She has a home with responsibilities. Those things should come first in her life.
In a healthy MR, there is no privacy between the spouses. In fact, one of the first signs something is not right is when you see her having several private phone calls. You know, like she leaves the room to talk, always has the phone glued to her, and doesn't share anything with you. But your W has excluded you from everything in her life. And, she has you under her thumb and has you stuck at home while she's gallivanting around and acting like a single woman with no responsibilities or accountability. She expects you to give her an account for every move you make.........and you apologized b/c you failed to tell her?? Yes, you most definitely are a doormat for her to wipe WW poop off her shoes.
You seemed surprised by the D papers. Has she discussed divorce with you?
First of all @Sandi2 thank you soo much for taking the time to read my input. I have been reading every post from you I can get my hands on. I printed the 37 rules and some other articles which I read constantly. I have the list of 13 steps the LBH needs to take including move my financial assets out of her grasp and cancel her portion of the family cell phone.
I have not asserted myself AT ALL.
I will not tolerate an open M It violates me, my family and my God.
I have not always done the housework, quite the opposite. She has kept the house clean and prepared meals in the past. That has been slowly dying. She is always gone so she does not eat at home much but she will come home and complain about the condition of the house (dishes in the sink, clothes on the floor, front door not locked, etc.)
She has not only talked abut D she made a revenge list with a timeline to intimidate me. She tried to get me to say yes I will sign the papers. She has also threatened that she will put me in the poorhouse and I will have to go on welfare to support myself. It is vicious to say the least.
Mind you, she has been married before (first husband cheated on her with someone from the church) so she has been down this road before. I do not believe this to be an idle threat from her.
M-41 W-46 T- 17 years M- 13 yrs SS - 25 SD- 22 D 11 ILYBNILWY - 6/6/15 Status - DBing, GAL
So here is the plan Leave work early remove money from joint accounts get home and remove money stashed in house for Maui trip (yes we were planning to go to Maui as a family)
When she gets home tonight have here sleep outside the MBR
Tomorrow morning cancel her phone.
When she calls on the way to her trip I will tell her to have her OM help her with the bill.
M-41 W-46 T- 17 years M- 13 yrs SS - 25 SD- 22 D 11 ILYBNILWY - 6/6/15 Status - DBing, GAL
So here is the plan Leave work early remove money from joint accounts get home and remove money stashed in house for Maui trip (yes we were planning to go to Maui as a family)
When she gets home tonight have here sleep outside the MBR
Tomorrow morning cancel her phone.
When she calls on the way to her trip I will tell her to have her OM help her with the bill.
um, seems like a lot real fast. If your doing it to get a reaction from her, you want to hold back until your not emotional. I think the actions you want to take are fine, I'm just not sure you are doing them for you, instead of to hurt her.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
