I want to respond - I don't need you to be concerned about me, I need to know when you'll be leaving the station.
I would think you would find more disturbing that your wife said that she did not want a mistake that they made.....costing her the department............instead of saying costing her the marriage!
Seriously, you can clearly see where her priorities lay.
Do not let her replace a no contact letter with this text. They are two separate things altogether.
In the NC letter, she cannot put it off on you having a problem about them contacting each other, the way she did in this text. She must state that their affair was a terrible mistake and she will not have any contact whatsoever with him, tell him to not try to contact her. She needs to tells him that she loves her husband and will forever regret the hurt she has done to her husband, and she is going to do whatever she has to do to be the wife her H deserves.
After you see the letter, you either mail it or observe her send it by email. Then, you set up a transparency plan, where she is accountable for her time and activity. She doesn't say when and how it will be done, you are the one who says. You already know how to see her messages, etc. It seems that most people are able to check the phone and know whether or not the WW and OM still contact each other. So, the "how" it's done and "when" you check it is entirely up to you....and not her.
If I could read your mind, I bet I would see where you are a little scared of pushing it that far. You don't have to do it right now. Just don't wait long. Who knows what OM means by saying he was planning on moving "soon". Does that mean in three months, this year, or when? I find it a little strange she knew nothing about his plans to move. He didn't ask her any questions about them, or you, .........or anything?
Do not put anything past what they are capable of doing. You are a smart man, but love does cause us to be blind to a lot. It will be not be easy if you think she's hurting.
I am sure you would just like to put this all behind you and get on with living your lives together. I hope you will stand firm, b/c I think she just might make it. Not to say she doesn't have a long ways to go, but at least she did check about him moving to another location. Take that as positive step forward.
Oh, another word of caution. Don't let any excitement you might feel show in front of her, right away. May sound crazy to you, but a lot of WW's will see it and then do something to kick the H where it hurts. Just present a calm man to her. Be polite, pleasant, and validate her. Tomorrow begins a new day.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
No mention of the family and husband huh??! Wow.. Weird. If I had hurt my W and family with interactions with some lady, I would destroy her in my NC message. There would be no polite, it would be brutal... And I wouldn't ask anything, it would be all direction. I would tell her how disgusted I was with her and myself, and that would be it. Guess I'm just a serious person, that would feel that sort of message would be less difficult to understand.
Ralph88 Me 40s W 30s, D5 D3 , M7 T9 2013 B drop 1, EA found 2016 B drop 2, EA/PA? 2/16 Physical Seperation 2/16 I filed for D 4/16 PA Confirmed
Ralph, this isn't a NC letter, this was my wife trying to figure out how to go NC without quitting the fire dept... No contact letter will come once they no longer volunteer at the same station...
On a side note, there has been a remarkable change in her general attitude over the last few days, she is really acting like her normal self.. She's home alot now, and is posting pics of me on FB again, and other little things that she had stopped doing... I'm trying not to read too much into it, but it really seems like she is coming around a little... We will see what tomorrow brings, but first I need NC.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Presses "like" button. Good luck. I keep hoping that I'll get to this point.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Coco.. Oh I see.. I will say this though, and it's going to be a 2x4... When my WW had at least an EA a few years ago and I caught her, I took the lead mostly with what needed to be done ect for her to end it. This is the same thing I am seeing in your situation as an outsider. I will tell you that with my WW not taking the lead and having ownership of the process, it should have told me that she really didn't want to do it, it wasn't hard for her, and here I am again a few yards later. I felt as though I coherced my W to give it up, instead of her really wanting to and me only being in the helping role. Please take this as my sitch... But aren't a lot of these the same?
Ralph88 Me 40s W 30s, D5 D3 , M7 T9 2013 B drop 1, EA found 2016 B drop 2, EA/PA? 2/16 Physical Seperation 2/16 I filed for D 4/16 PA Confirmed
I want to respond - I don't need you to be concerned about me, I need to know when you'll be leaving the station.
1. I would think you would find more disturbing that your wife said that she did not want a mistake that they made.....costing her the department............instead of saying costing her the marriage!
Seriously, you can clearly see where her priorities lay.
2. Do not let her replace a no contact letter with this text. They are two separate things altogether.
3. If I could read your mind, I bet I would see where you are a little scared of pushing it that far. You don't have to do it right now. Just don't wait long. Who knows what OM means by saying he was planning on moving "soon". Does that mean in three months, this year, or when? I find it a little strange she knew nothing about his plans to move. He didn't ask her any questions about them, or you, .........or anything?
4. Do not put anything past what they are capable of doing. You are a smart man, but love does cause us to be blind to a lot. It will be not be easy if you think she's hurting.
5. I am sure you would just like to put this all behind you and get on with living your lives together. I hope you will stand firm, b/c I think she just might make it. Not to say she doesn't have a long ways to go, but at least she did check about him moving to another location. Take that as positive step forward.
6. Oh, another word of caution. Don't let any excitement you might feel show in front of her, right away. May sound crazy to you, but a lot of WW's will see it and then do something to kick the H where it hurts. Just present a calm man to her. Be polite, pleasant, and validate her. Tomorrow begins a new day.
It's really hard to figure out how to do multiple quotes on iPad, so I just numbered above...
1. Yes, that was a kick in the nuts Sandi, that she said academy instead of marriage, but at least it seems like she is considering leaving acadamy as an option, but I'm reading a lot into it,
2. I wasn't, she will need a NC letter after he leaves station, or she leaves acadamy.
3. I told her that I will need to text him back and ask specifically when, anything over a month is too long for me.
4. Not sure what you mean here exactly... She seems detached and like she despises him for what happened, it could be an act, but if so, she's fooling me.
5. I am standing firm on NC, I'm not ok with open marriage, but I'm certain that the most they've been doing now is talking in the station, they haven't seen each other outside of the station.
6. Ok, but I did tell her that I recognize what she has been trying to do to cut contact... But I won't say or show anymore.
Thanks again Sandi...
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Coco.. Oh I see.. I will say this though, and it's going to be a 2x4... When my WW had at least an EA a few years ago and I caught her, I took the lead mostly with what needed to be done ect for her to end it. This is the same thing I am seeing in your situation as an outsider. I will tell you that with my WW not taking the lead and having ownership of the process, it should have told me that she really didn't want to do it, it wasn't hard for her, and here I am again a few yards later. I felt as though I coherced my W to give it up, instead of her really wanting to and me only being in the helping role. Please take this as my sitch... But aren't a lot of these the same?
Ralph, you hit the nail on the head... Right now I am taking the lead, but I will stop leading after NC, that's my priority... After I will continue GAL, keeping up with my 180s, and wait for her, I am just pushing for the NC...
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Is it worth it... Grrr, I have so much anger and hate today, sitting here wondering is it really worth it... She has an affair, acts like it's not a big deal, does nothing to help repair my trust... Do I even want to... I swear, all I want to do right now is go online and fill out non-contested divorce paperwork and split everything in half....
It's so crazy how fast I go from sadness/dis pare to indifference to now hatred... I don't even want to see her or talk to her...
I also find myself often thinking of post D, chatting with Woman a lot more (nothing inappropriate) but finding that I wouldn't mind leaving her and start something new... Is it really worth being with someone who's done this? Always having that in the back of my mind, I just don't know... I've been cheated on before back when dating, but I left them and haven't thought about it in many years until this, but it brings me no pain since I'm not with them, does it bring pain when your still with them? I would imagine many years from now it still will... Grrr
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Personally, I don't think I ever want this person back. To fear that it will happen again. A fresh start is something that is priceless.
I also find myself chatting to other woman and thinking, I could do this again some day and walk away with that "moment" smile on my face. That alone just made me smile. I guess as much as they're running from this, so are we. But right now we gotta stand fast, on what we believe and in and see this through.
So hold up on the divorce idea until you can do it with no emotions, when you know in your heart you have tried it all, when you know that reconciliation will not happen. I pray that I get there sooner rather than later.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
I understand the roller coaster of emotions! Some days you love her, miss what you had, and would do anything to make it work. In the flip of a switch, you can feel anger, rage, grief, and raw emotions. Then on again, off again, and around and around.... It is incredibly painful and unsettling. This has been a tremendous crisis and so these whirlwind of emotions are compeletely normal! You are only human.
That being said, you do not need to act on any of them. Better yet, act on none of them! Allow yourself the freedom to feel them. Then allow yourself a break from them--exercise, deep breathe, do something fun and take your mind off of it for a couple hour--whatever you need to heal, cope, and get through this. It's going to take time--just like it would for anyone to heal from a major trauma.
But your actions and words are your choices. They do not and should not be dictated by these emotions. Allow yourself time, patience, and rational thinking and planning. These are big decisions and why make things any harder on yourself!?! You will figure this out, and the more you can come to terms with all of the feelings and perspectives, the better choices you can make for yourself for the long run.
You will get through this in time! Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
