What Should I be doing 3

[DDJ]

Coconut, in my case, I don't think it's better for either of us to move out yet. I'm not sure bout yours though.

Will moving out help you to focus on you? Will telling others help you to focus on you? you can really go either way.

[sandi2]

Saw WW this morning, as she was getting ready to go to fire acadamy, I told her that if she has decided that she is not willing to withdraw from academy, I would like to Tal to S16 tonight, because I don't want to tell him right before I leave. My plan is to go stay at moms next weekend if she doesn't withdraw... She said that we need to have discussion before talking to S and she stated that she only has 2 1/2 months of academy left (delaying) and why can't we wait til then to work something out (more of a statement than question).

Don't make the focus of your statements too much about the academy/firefighting. The focus is about no contact, whatsoever, with OM. Firefighting is not the real problem, but it becomes a problem b/c of the connection with OM.

I think the conversation she wants to have, will be to agree with what is said to the son. The WW does not want to appear as the bad guy to her children, and will want to conceal the truth about her affair. My opinion is that the H not take the fall for the breakup, but neither does he have to strip his W naked to his teenage son. If she wants to agree on what to tell him, I think you should tell her that you will agree to tell him that his mother and and dad are having marital problems, and that is all he has to know right now. Tell her that if she says anything to implicate you as being the bad guy in any of this......then you will tell your son everything.

Hard ball? You bet! Trust me, she will try to make your son believe you are jealous and don't want her working as a firefighter. So, yes, hold her feet to the fire.

There are differences of opinion about exposure. There was only one time (maybe twice) I advised it several years ago (that I can recall). In your case, if I were to do it, I would only tell OM's W. I would not be hasty in telling your mother.......or even her mother, at the moment. Those who are pro-exposure may not agree. Speaking as a former WW, exposure can put some boulders in the road back home...........especially telling your mother and hers. Of course, if there is a divorce, I suppose it wouldn't matter.

I feel there are very few exceptions of full out exposure that would cause a WW to fall in the arms of her H. It may bust up an affair.........or push the AP's together. If your W and OM have not gone PA, his W might put a a hot branding iron to his playtime. but then, she might leave him and he'd be more available for your W. It is a big gamble.

I just don't think you have to do it at this point. Yes, she's going to test you. She will try to figure a way around it. But you also need to realize that up until today, you were willing to just put the whole thing behind and start fresh with a new R. Isn't that what she suggested.......and if I recall correctly, she was pulling you in pretty good.

She has to see if you really mean it. She will feel some pressure today. She'll talk about it the the OM.

Hold firm, and do not give ultimatums. Do not give threats. You have told her that you would not live in a M of three people. See what she does this weekend. Don't discuss it anymore. If she approaches you.......listen. Stick to what I suggested, if she wants to talk to son.......and make darn sure you are present.

If she says she will withdraw, do I say something like "I understand that it was a very difficult decision for you to do that, it shows me that you are committed to working on us"? willing to do what is necessary to get out M headed in the right direction.". Also, at that point do I give space, validate and continue with GAL alone or invite her to join?

You see, even of she agrees to stop attending the academy, it does not mean she is committed to the M. When I was wayward, it would drive me crazy and I would be so cold and hateful whenever my H jumped to conclusions........just b/c I made one small move. I have found other H's to have the same type of mindset. You have to understand that she is faced with two major decisions. One is to end all manner of contact with OM, That requires one of them to leave the academy and firehouse. If OM won't, then it is on her. Now get this, Coconut.........she may make the choice very reluctantly!! I made my choice reluctantly, too. I had zero desire or interest in my MR.....and I sure didn't feel some big commitment. So I suggest you be careful about taking this to mean too much, before she can get there. She won't feel much of anything but the strong craving to contact OM. She has to get through one thing at a time.

Continue to GAL. Yes, invite her along, too. It will be a fragile period. She will need to stay very busy, doing family activities and fun things with you (no romantic, intimate stuff for a while). Do not smother her, but she doesn't need extensive alone time, until she has completely gone the through the withdrawals of the affair. And...........she will go into a depression. She has given up what she loved doing.........and the affair. Her depression could turn to even stronger resentment toward you. That is why it's important that she feels she made a choice.

[Coconut]

Thx Sandi, I now see I was pushing too hard, I've made my stance clear, I will wait for her to approach me, in the meantime I will stay cordial, confident & cheerful (the three C's).

[Coconut]

Grr, I just don't get her.. So she got home, I was cutting watermelon up and she came in the kitchen and I said hello, and got nothing back... Then she starts watching tv and an hour later says she's gonna make a fruit smoothie, do I want one? I was stunned, not sure what to make of this, but I wanted a smoothie . I'm thinking she's trying to act like her regular self to get me to back down on my stance, but I'm not... She hasn't mentioned talking yet..

[roist]

In the book Michelle says state your boundary and back off. Really back off. Michelle recommends giving space, keeping busy, GAL etc but my understanding of the book is after such an ultimatum you give it time.

You are pressuring her. Too much pressure will backfire against you. You need to stop pressuring her. IMO. You have stated your case. She knows exactly where you stand. Restating it is just pressure. If she is really on the fence, you risk pushing her over the other side.

People here will advise you to act now. I agree that you cannot NOTfollow through on your boundary. Whereas I understand it is a strong sign that can pivot a situation in many (not all) cases, I think you are moving too fast. Give her a chance to think it through and get back to you. Use that time for yourself: get advice from the vets, plan your escape, make decisions basically prepare for the worst, hope for the best.

Disclosure is s heated topic here but the official line is less is more. Afterwards you will get advice from both camps. Just know that once done it is forever.you cannot untell someone. I have seen that being a future barrier in some reconciliations.

Another generality here is not to move out. Most advise it is the WAS that should leave. There are many good logical reasons for this. Them having to move is a big consequence and the practicalities involved can help make it more real. They are the one that wants out, so LBS should not be forced to accommodate their selfish BS. Others can elaborate on the dynamics of power buy I'll just say that I believe it is good advice in most cases.

I: understand you moving to protect yourself.I get why you want to do this asap. BUT even if you move out you have the same healing to do. You will still wonder about what is going on at the fire station.Some LBS cannot handle the what-if they have left the door open for OP. Unless really detached it can be an obsession that is fed by a troubled imagination. Detachment has absolutely nothing to do with your accommodation. IIt is a state of mind.

Regardless of what you/she decides, you have work to do and a path to follow firstly to heal and secondly to grow. Think about your path. This is where goal setting can help. To start with you probably should focus on personal goals.

I understand that your situation is playing out and you are taken up with the step by step unfolding of that situation. That is important and you have some good vets advising you. Listen to them. But bare in mind, this is going to be a long slog regardless of how it plays out and maybe by starting your own path now towards the YOU that you want to be, could help you change your ideas/focus.

Best wishes

[WSB]

One thing I notice with you nut is that you let every action or word of hers affect you. You over analyze everything she does trying to interpret what this phrase means or that look meant. You cannot give her that power. Like the above poster said. You gave her your stance, it was clear and concise, now sit back try and relax and don't fret about every little thing. Do things for yourself and who cares whether she notices or not. I know you struggle with detachment but you are worrying yourself sick over things you can't control. Relax...Breathe and smile, good luck brother

[roist]

Sandi replied when I was typing. She is great. I am glad you have her on your team.

As for the silent treatment and then the olive branch in form of s smoothie, I imagine she does not know how to act/what to think. She must have a world of thoughts and emotions swirling in her head. This is difficult for her too. Forget about blame for the moment and understand what she is going through.This is not forgiving nor forgetting, it is putting that aside for the moment.

Be strong. And it is an exercise in futility to try to understand everything she does/thinks. Try to understand but know normal logic no longer applies. Hence refocusing on YOU is more useful.

[Coconut]

So, just an update... Wife acting today like she did before BD... We went out to eat at a local deli and ran into the leiutanant from her fire station, she calls me over to say hi (like I really want anything to do with that place), he starts telling me how great she's doing there (ok, now I want to round house kick him in the mouth)... I was cordial, but everywhere I turn now it's firefighter this and that, grrrrr... Just venting, no big news..

[Coconut]

One thing I notice with you nut is that you let every action or word of hers affect you. You over analyze everything she does trying to interpret what this phrase means or that look meant. You cannot give her that power. Like the above poster said. You gave her your stance, it was clear and concise, now sit back try and relax and don't fret about every little thing. Do things for yourself and who cares whether she notices or not. I know you struggle with detachment but you are worrying yourself sick over things you can't control. Relax...Breathe and smile, good luck brother

WSB, you hit the nail on the head, it's always been my way to analyze, analyze, analyze... Works well for my career but [censored] for relationships... I will say that I've felt very detached today, almost to the point of being discusted with her, but I'll take that over emotional wreck any day.

[sandi2]

willing to do what is necessary to get our M headed in the right direction

you probably figured out my typo earlier. Should have "our" and not out.