I actually had the account all changed over already... I changed a bunch of stuff within the first week of W filing the OFP to protect myself, but just didn't remember what all I had done in the blur that was my life at the time.
I went back to your first thread and started reading your entire story. I was going to post in your thread, but my story may be more geared toward me, and you are over 100 posts and need to start a new thread, so I'll keep it here.
From your first page, I felt a definite connection between your story and mine. But, I waited way too long to start looking into the issues, I ignored them and hoped they would go away.
My W never stopped working, not for very long anyway. She took a very short maternity leave for both kids, like only a few days, and returned back to work. Between kids, she quit one job and started a new one shortly after, probably only a month or 2 without work. I had gotten laid off from my job a couple times, money was tight, and at times she needed to work for us to make ends meet. (yes, after all the hate I spewed on here about her, I need to give her some credit!!).
5 years ago, I was bored to death in my job, and got a new one. It was a super easy transition into the new job, the pay was much better, but more hours. I got pay raises rapidly allowing her to finally start cutting back on her hours. I was happy that she had done so much to get us to where we were, I told her she could work whatever she wanted to work, or not at all even. She wanted to continue to work. She never did want a career, never developed any skills for work, never accepted promotions. Her job was just a way to get out of the house and get a little extra money.
OK, back to our R. As I have already wrote, I did in fact resent my W. For a lot of reasons I have already listed. Her lack of self respect I think was the biggest one. She had no interest in anything, her career, taking care of the house, and especially not taking care of herself. She didn't know how, and never tried. She thought diet pills and not eating breakfast and lunch would help, eating piles of carbs for supper was just fine.
What is interesting, and I haven't mentioned yet (I think), our sex life never did drop off. It was weekly, right up to a week before BD. It was experimental, fun, and we were very open with each other about the subject. I won't get into any more details, but she said every time how much she loved it. The only odd thing, she said out of the blue one time that "there's more to life than sex." I replied with "there is?" But it didn't change anything. My IC made a guess that she was "doing what she thought I wanted to do." I'm not sure on this one. Yes, this is the same person who said I r@ped her through our entire M!
The frustrations for me continued to build, I was the one withdrawing. In hindsight I think for most of the M I was withdrawn because of her depression, lack of affection, her unhappiness, too much arguing, and what I noticed the last few years is just how much she twisted what I said into something completely different than what I intended. What this meant is that when I wasn't withdrawn, I was irritable. I had expectations, they weren't very high, I feel even a child could have met them, and she couldn't measure up. She didn't try. I am sure it caused her to resent me.
I didn't seek the help or the reading material. I was busy with life, super busy, not enough hours in the day to do what I wanted to do. I am not sure of the impact of my withdrawal. I think she wanted help, but wasn't asking for it. I think the expectations were overwhelming for her. I stepped up, and then rubbed her nose in it with a nasty text "I fixed the bill issue in 5 minutes, from my phone. With all the time you spend on your phone you couldn't handle it?" She then said handling everything was getting overwhelming. That was more frustrating, because like I said, she was playing constantly on her phone.
Another interesting thing, all through the M, we would have talks about everyday stuff, very good talks. About the kids, about the projects we were working on, about goals in life, about finances. Every day! It was only when we talked about M stuff that she twisted things I said.
Funny you mention the joint accounts... we were intertwined in every way imaginable. Even today with the OFP in place we have a joint checking and a joint email account. The D will separate the accounts, finally, and she will for the first time have to deal with her own finances. It will be a good learning experience for her, but I worry she is going to end up seriously in debt and not know what to do. She took out a new CC since BD, she has made 2 payments to it in 6 months, so she's not off to a very good start. I was just relieved she didn't bring it up as joint debt in the D.
W brought up that I never said she was pretty... I'm sure I already posted that.
I see you too had the lack of affection going on. Amazing how lonely that can make a person feel. For my W I would hug her, hold her, etc... and she wouldn't even notice or acknowledge. I would ask her if she noticed, she would then pay attention, say she noticed, and appreciated it, and go back to whatever she was doing. It felt very cold.
W did do good at shopping. Too good? She'd ask me if I thought of anything we needed. She'd handle it all. She'd even grab clothes for me if she noticed I was low on something. I am going to miss that!
My W made comments a few weeks before BD that she feels like she is just there to take care of the family. I made a comment to her that I wondered if we were M'd, or just friends. But I also told her our friendship is what I valued most in our M.
Zephyr, I'll keep reading in your post, but I wonder something.... Why is your W the WAS? Are you sure YOU aren't the WAS? You doing GAL is showing a lack of interest in her? You stepping back and letting her have her independence is showing a lack of interest in her? She has an expectation of your duties, and you are trying to back out of them? I don't know, maybe I'm still not understanding what a "healthy" relationship looks like. I understand codependency being bad. But having a life that is fully intertwined, and both partners liking it that way, I think CAN work. Withdrawing from that pattern without notice sounds cold?
I have managed to detach here and there for short periods. But why is it that when I am reading anything, I have 2 personalities thinking at the same time? One is me, the other is W.
This time I was reading MWD BD FB page (recommended to Zephyr by Vanilla).
Another similarity to Zephyr's story. I had been pushing away from the M for years, especially last July. My W posted on FB a very sweet and heartfelt excitement for a trip we were going to do in August. When I saw it I felt terrible, she seemed to love me to dearly, I wasn't sure I wanted to stay with her.
I have read your posts and I feel for you. You seem so hurt and angry and remorseful. It is so hard right now, when you have all these feelings and your unsure which are the " right " ones. But beneath it all stands out a man that is quite reflective and insightful.
I wish I had advice to give you. Its just a really painful process that takes time to sort out. I know how hard it is to want answers and explanations. Unfortunatly there really aren't any because relationships are challenging. Just as Learning how to accept something we don't want is.
Every time someone says something complimenting me, it is a huge boost to the severely broken ego. I have been talking to many people, they all make me feel good about myself. There's only one person in the world who really seemed to have an intent on bringing me down... The one person I cherished more than anyone else in the world. Why did I give her all that power? And I honestly feel it was intentional, because she was jealous. Jealous that I was happy, smart, stable, while she was self-doubting, depressed, unable to accomplish anything. She tried to bring me down to her level.
OMG, I just realized how my life resembles the saying "never argue with an idiot, they will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience."
J, you are right about me questioning which feelings are right. I think at the end of the day, they are all the "right" feelings. The struggle is what to do with them. Do I stand? Do I hope or try to repair what once was? Do I move on?
On Sandi's "the star is inside you" it talks about whether you are "done"... Not really something that needs to be decided? I don't know.
Just found out my W was out of state this weekend... A weekend she has the kids. Second time she has done that to go have fun. But leaves the kids with her mom instead of letting me have them. Nice! What a selfish spoiled brat!
Nothing to really do with the feelings. Just feel them and let them move pass. Maybe start working on healing your broken ego? On trying to repair yourself first. How can you take the focus off of your wife and back on you? This might need to be first priority.
The truth is we are all flawed. We all have dysfunctions and different backgrounds and different coping styles. We all bring both good and bad to our relationships. I think we do change and grow as well. Your wife has flaws but it's nice to see you recognize and miss some of the good Qualities about her too. Again, I think all you can do now is not get too absorbed in her and make this about you. Easy to say. I know.
I agree with you that wife should have let you have kids when she was away. Any way to prevent this from happening again? Could you communicate this to her in a nice way ?
I really can't communicate to her at all. Custody isn't completely straight yet either, so I'm asking yet again for right of first refusal if she is away from them more than 12 hours, which I am sure she was.
A cousin called me. She talked to one of W's friends about being friends on FB. This friend tells my cousin no, because W told her not to, because somehow info keeps getting back to me. Um, if you don't want people to know something, why would you post it on FB in the first place? W and her friends aren't too bright!
I pick up the kids, first thing they tell me is about their mom's trip out of state.... They listed the "friends" that were there, but the kids specifically say the name of POM (potential OM), and say he wasn't there. I told them someone called me, said they didn't know I had the kids this weekend, I told them I didn't, they told me about seeing the pic of W on FB. So, I show them a pic from FB, POM is there. Why would she lie to the kids when her friends are posting pics of it on FB?
I told the kids I had no interest in knowing what she is doing, but if she's not going to be with them I would love more time with them.... Then I realize a few minutes later, maybe she's testing what I am watching on FB? But I wasn't even watching! Oh great! Then again, I don't know that she is smart enough set a trap like that.
I explained to the kids that people are telling me stuff, and I actually ask them to stop telling me, and that what she is doing doesn't matter to me.
But wow is this just gut wrenching. Yeah, I get it, we're not together anymore, she can do what she wants. Yep, supposed to be detaching. Yep, she may not come back. The OFP I think I could forgive, though it's going to need some explaining. But if there is OM, I won't forgive that, ever. Why do I have to keep hearing this stuff from my kids?
It still doesn't feel right being with the kids, every time I see them reminds me of what used to be. To hear the hurtful things she says and does. Her trying to limit my time with them and for what? Because part of her screwed up mentality thinks I am a monster to them? She knows and has said I am a good father, I just don't get it.
I love them, I would do anything for them. I miss my family!!!! I miss being able to pair up, to do things the 4 of us. And now I cry again, dang it!
