Expect anything from her. I rather doubt it will be a solid commitment. At best, she may try to buy some time. But, one never knows. Usually, the WW will waver back & forth. Your job is stand firm and not let down.
Yes, the NC is for both of you. It gives you some peace of mind, and rebuilds the trust. It is essential for her, in order to withdraw from the A. And.........she will experience withdrawals, once the NC is underway. That is a critical time period.
Maybe it took her rejection of your sexual advances to make up your mind. FWIW, you just shoot yourself in the foot when you try it before she's over OM.
Ok, so quick update... W got distant 4/8/16... Confirmed at least EA with kissing 5/5/16...
This morning I told WW that I cannot be in M with 3 people, and that if she is not willing to withdraw from volunteer firefighter gig that I will have to start separation and D process.. Sandi2 response to this is above.
In afternoon, W BFF called me, said that she had 1 hr conversation with W and advised me not to do anything rash, said W is conflicted on how to respond, and said she doesn't do good with ultimatums... BFF said WW doesn't seem like herself, and she wasn't able to talk any sense into her.. BFF upset that WW would do that to me, and can't believe I haven't blown it up to everyone, said W mentioned that I stopped waking her up and stopped making coffee.. BFF told her that she had the affair and she should be doing the work to repair M.. But it did not seem like anything was getting through.
W and son got home a few minutes ago, I was supposed to go to a friends B-Day party with her tonight, but after this morning I wasn't sure how WW felt about me going.. She said I want you to go but I can't deal with what you said this morning, I said that I understand your upset so I'll give you time to yourself.. Then I went and sat on couch watching tv... On the way out, I said to wife that she looked nice and I hope she has a good time, wife said that she was looking forward to spending a fun relaxing evening with me then I went and did this... That's all for now.
Ps- it is insane how spot on Sandi is with her explanations of WW..
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Cause Sandi was a WW! Takes one to know one. She nailed my situation last time and really help me understand that I wasn't dealing with the same woman I married. You did good with giving her time after what she said. You shouldn't have commented on how she looks You already know that though:)
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
Your WW is using the guilt card. She is twisting things around to make you feel like you are the one who has really messed up now. It is very common for a WW to say something like, "Well, I was willing to put everything behind us, but now, you have gone and done this"! It is B.S.
Yes, she is experiencing confusion. It is so important that you hold firm now. It is a critical time, and your emotions will tell you to work out some type of compromise with her...........but if you do, you will lose all ground.
You have to be prepared to back up your words. You may have to physically separate from her, before she believes you will really not put up with her disrespect for you and the M. Do not fear it.
I think she will put some pressure on the OM, to see what he says. She may discover that he felt safe to play around as long as she was in a M, however, if she tells him her H is going to divorce her........reality may start hitting this OM and he'll realize she wants more from him. Then see how fast he starts to backpedal.
You have to have a determined and confident presence in front of her. She can make you sound ..........however, but you know the truth. It isn't really the firefighting, it is the affair that has her on the fence. She got herself into this mess, and now she has to put her big girl panties on and clean it up.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I think she will put some pressure on the OM, to see what he says. She may discover that he felt safe to play around as long as she was in a M, however, if she tells him her H is going to divorce her........reality may start hitting this OM and he'll realize she wants more from him. Then see how fast he starts to backpedal.
I'm still reading DR and just staying active on forums while taking small breaks from the book, but I'm wondering if this is a similar situation my WW is in. I know she had an EA with OM at work, and he is in a M as well... She siezed contact with him about 3 weeks ago and then all the sudden I found 3-4 texts she she to him (2-3 nights after she mentioned D to me), and OM only responded once...
I feel like once she broke it off with him, he started thinking about the situation and his M's security. She knows I'm a techie nut and I can grab msg's off her phone and she might have told him at the first break off, about it... I know that doesn't change anything about my WW's emotional confusion, but if she continues to reach OM and he pulls away, that's got to work in my favor at least a little bit, right?
to the OP, hang in there, and I know it's hard NOT to say those things that you 'think' could be helping the situation, especially if they are true, raw emotions and thoughts on her beauty, but stick with the plan.
I was looking through some photos at my parents house just yesterday that my WW was in, and my god, I saw the beauty in her that I haven't seen in a long time. I think, first, it's important not to fall immediately back into showing those reconnections, but secondly, the more distance allowed, the more room those lost feelings can become ongoing and not just temporary pleasure.
Saw WW this morning, as she was getting ready to go to fire acadamy, I told her that if she has decided that she is not willing to withdraw from academy, I would like to Tal to S16 tonight, because I don't want to tell him right before I leave. My plan is to go stay at moms next weekend if she doesn't withdraw... She said that we need to have discussion before talking to S and she stated that she only has 2 1/2 months of academy left (delaying) and why can't we wait til then to work something out (more of a statement than question).
If she says she will withdraw, do I say something like "I understand that it was a very difficult decision for you to do that, it shows me that you are committed to working on us"? Also, at that point do I give space, validate and continue with GAL alone or invite her to join?
If she says NO, my plan is to tell the truth about A (but not details) to my mother, and my MIL. I want to tell my S16 and OM S, but I'm not sure if that is the right thing to do, what do you think?
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Maybe I am missing something, but I am wondering what your hurry is in taking action? (ie ultimatum, telling her to make decision now, exposing the A, moving out, etc) Are you thinking that if you move more quickly, she is more likely to end it with OM?
The reason I am asking is because you just talked to her BFF and she said not to do anything rash and she reinforced that W is really on the fence. That appears to be one of the more positive things in your sitch--the minding reading doesn't work--but this is real info coming from W.
Perhaps less is more right now. Maybe instead of focusing on what she is doing and how you can affect that, you should take a step back and detach. You cannot control her or OMs reactions.
You have been clear about your boundaries, that is good. However she has not begun to feel the loss of you. Not suggesting you ignore her or move out, but detach and focus on you. (no pursuing or complementing) I don't see that she has felt that your actions are matching your words.
Perhaps your stated boundaries are more to pressure her to end A and not really to protect yourself.
Just my 2 cents. I really so see hope in your sitch, but I think you are wanting to (understandably) rush this.
-Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
If she says NO, my plan is to tell the truth about A (but not details) to my mother, and my MIL. I want to tell my S16 and OM S, but I'm not sure if that is the right thing to do, what do you think?
Not sure if this is helpful or not, but I was told, with every decision/choice I have, think to yourself, 'will this hurt or help my eventual target destination?'
I also thought about telling OM's S about the EA I found on W's phone, but came to the conclusion that this could actually work against me, and draw them closer. Each situation is probably different, and telling OM's S might actually work in some cases, but I think it most of the time would draw the two WW/WH closer to one another, as now they are under attack by both of their Spouses.
I'm new here, so take this advice lightly and hope you get a good answer here because I'm wondering the same thing.
Maybe I am missing something, but I am wondering what your hurry is in taking action? (ie ultimatum, telling her to make decision now, exposing the A, moving out, etc) Are you thinking that if you move more quickly, she is more likely to end it with OM?
Perhaps less is more right now. Maybe instead of focusing on what she is doing and how you can affect that, you should take a step back and detach. You cannot control her or OMs reactions. -Blu
This is something my coach recommended as well. Don't do a whole bunch of stuff all at once because it will confuse her and make her think that you're pulling some kind of trick, or power play, and only make WW revolt against it. It could damage, or at least, prolong, the recovery time you've been putting all the time into...
Coach recommend... "Baby Steps"... never 10 things at once, always stay minimal, and stay cool.
Blu, I don't take what WW told BFF to seriously because WW also said it was only texting, no physical (so she's also lying to BFF). As for why rushing moving out, it's mostly for me, sure I'd like to end A and initiate NC, but I can't keep living like this, I'm having a hard time detaching so moving out would help me with that process. I am finding myself wondering what's going on every time she's at the station, and it's right next to my house, so evrytime I drive by I find myself looking for clues. At this point I need either NC or move out. The only problem is I work with WW, so having no contact with her is not really an option.
I think your right about both WP being pressured would be worse for my cause, specially since they would both be likely to retreat to fire house to get away, so I won't tell OMS..
But what about telling my S16 about the A, I want him to understand that I'm not abandoning him, but I had no choice due to the circumstances.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
