Ok, so WW is not going out tonight. Not sure its a victory though, as she's done her hair for what i think is for her to go out tomorrow.
I cannot stop her from going out. But I will protect myself. I can't keep her physically out of the bed, but i can lock the door and keep her out of the room. My ultimatum about the MB will carry over until tomorrow then. Once used up, the ultimatum for D will take effect.
Last edited by Cristy; 05/12/1611:09 AM. Reason: As stated in our OnLine Community Board Rules, we do not allow recommendations of non-DivorceBusting books / websites / blogs etc.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
@dream, i never really thought that we're separated, I thought that the WW wanted to be married and make things work.
The sooner that I am out of limbo, the easier it will be to move forward without my WW or as a married couple trying to make things work.
So, I have asked my WW to decide what she wants to do, and again, I will see it in her actions.
She can choose to be married and try and make things work. Showing a willingness to give up her "single" life and take "us" day by day.
She can choose to be separated and we will not try to make things work. She can come and go as she pleases and we will work towards D together.
Now, every action has an opposite reaction - but rather, I see it as consequence. If she chooses to stay married, then I will continue to focus on improving myself and being the best H that I never was for her and we will overcome this together. If she chooses to be separated then she will need to move out of the MBR, into the second room, until she eventually moves out of the house. I will then focus on being the best H that I never was and will overcome this separation alone.
I do not need a spoken answer from her, just her actions. I do not believe that given her a choice for her life is an ultimatum. I'm simply saying that whatever choice she makes, these are going to be my choices.
Any feedback would be appreciated.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
I can only comment on what you have told us so far and her response "im just flirting.." to me is way out of line. If she wants to be in the marriage as she says then its inappropriate to be flirting sexually with other men.
If you are still trying to work for the M i guess you cant get hung up on it either. You made your stance and now you just need to be the best YOU you can be as you said. You will know her through her actions.
Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs 23Mar16-BD 9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss. 27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM. 14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation. 24May17-Divorced.
Thx Natus, I can only be myself. I am fully comprehending the DB rules. It's not really to save your M, it's to save yourself.
I went to an interview today, second one set for Monday so i know that God has great plans for me, whether my WW is around or not. I never told her about the interview. She calls me as i'm leaving and I tell her I just went for an interview. She is a bit taken aback.
I send her this TM. I have to live my life as though you are no longer in it. Only you can decide if you want to stay, or leave. But i will not wait around for you to make that decision.
She replies - I am trying , but you cannot see past my new friendships that i've created, sometimes its good to do things apart, regardless if its male or female friends. Thats where trust comes in.
I reply - New friendships are good. Bad friends are not. You have not shown me that I can trust you. Do you think that going out until 3am with strange men is building trust? If you do then you will never build trust with me. Show me action, show me trust.
She replies - You want us to go back to where we were? I sit at home and be the good wife and do everything you say? I thought we gonna leave that people in the past but clearly not gonna and it takes two people to make it work...
I reply - No i don't want to go back to us before. I want us to make things work. But we cannot work if we are not together, if the one is out and the other is at home. So let's stay together at home and try to make things work. We stick together. After we can actually be together, then we can start going out again. Right now, its getting us nowhere. If you are willing to make us work then you will remove all distraction. You will leave your phone by the door when you get home, no chatting to anyone. I will do the same. We can check the phones before we go sleep. If your M is important to you, then you can easily do this. I can.
I still await her reply.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
She replies - I really don't know what i want to be honest with you and this is probably going to bite me but in the beginning of our R I gave you time to make up your mind and the freedom. Yes, things have changed alot. I have changed.
(I only decided 10 months in that I was going to make her my GF, I never saw anyone else in that time. Was always looking out of the corner of my eye though).
And I need time to myself and for myself to find out what i really want cos right now i don't know. I have to see my future and currently I can't cos I am being pulled into so many directions.
I reply - Then you want a separation and a divorce. You want to taste the fruits hanging from the tree. I cannot be married to someone like that. I would like you to leave and find yourself with yourself. I do not want to be a part of your life or that type of life that you are asking for. You will thank me one day, but i cannot walk your journey with you.
----------------------------------------------
So it appears that I am out of limbo. She will need to grovel to want to come back. Hopefully for her, before it is too late.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
My WW said similar stuff. I don't know what I want. Im a people pleaser and getting pulled different directions. For my WW that meant she was getting pressure from OM and friends. Now she has no pressure from me and they spend a lot of time and weekends away.
I agree with what you are saying and have said to her, but it is pursuing and pushing.
Ralph88 Me 40s W 30s, D5 D3 , M7 T9 2013 B drop 1, EA found 2016 B drop 2, EA/PA? 2/16 Physical Seperation 2/16 I filed for D 4/16 PA Confirmed
I do not think that it's not pursuing, I am telling her that I am moving forward and that I will not live the lifestyle that she wants. I am distancing myself. Giving her the choice and then making my own choices.
I cannot tell her what to do or what she wants, but I cannot give up my principles. I have given up pride, humility but not my principles.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
I send her this TM. I have to live my life as though you are no longer in it. Only you can decide if you want to stay, or leave. But i will not wait around for you to make that decision. Im not sure what you are trying to gain by starting this discussion. If you make her decide today, she isnt going to choose you. So, fine, if you want to have this conversation, do it. But she isnt going to pick you. As for the content, show her with ACTIONS not WORDS. Having the interview was great. Why not just tell her that you are trying to do something you want, something that you think will be good for you. Why turn it into this grand "I dont need you" speech?
She replies - I am trying , but you cannot see past my new friendships that i've created, sometimes its good to do things apart, regardless if its male or female friends. Thats where trust comes in.
I reply - New friendships are good. Bad friends are not. You have not shown me that I can trust you. Do you think that going out until 3am with strange men is building trust? If you do then you will never build trust with me. Show me action, show me trust. Im not going to say that this friend(s) is good. But it isnt your job to call them "bad". How about you validate that you like that she goes out. That you think it's important for you each to have a life. Focus on words like "balance" and "appropriate". Can you instead focus on your feelings. Instead of "you show me I cant trust you", say "I feel like it is difficult to trust you." Theres no arguing with that. Your statements are all about HER ACTIONS, not YOUR FEELINGS.
She replies - You want us to go back to where we were? I sit at home and be the good wife and do everything you say? I thought we gonna leave that people in the past but clearly not gonna and it takes two people to make it work...
I reply - No i don't want to go back to us before. I want us to make things work. But we cannot work if we are not together, if the one is out and the other is at home. So let's stay together at home and try to make things work. We stick together. After we can actually be together, then we can start going out again. Right now, its getting us nowhere. If you are willing to make us work then you will remove all distraction. You will leave your phone by the door when you get home, no chatting to anyone. I will do the same. We can check the phones before we go sleep. If your M is important to you, then you can easily do this. I can. So the only way you can trust her is if she comes home and shuts the world out every single night? Come on. You have to see this as ridiculous, right?
She replies - I really don't know what i want to be honest with you and this is probably going to bite me but in the beginning of our R I gave you time to make up your mind and the freedom. Yes, things have changed alot. I have changed.
(I only decided 10 months in that I was going to make her my GF, I never saw anyone else in that time. Was always looking out of the corner of my eye though).
And I need time to myself and for myself to find out what i really want cos right now i don't know. I have to see my future and currently I can't cos I am being pulled into so many directions.
I reply - Then you want a separation and a divorce. You want to taste the fruits hanging from the tree. I cannot be married to someone like that. I would like you to leave and find yourself with yourself. I do not want to be a part of your life or that type of life that you are asking for. You will thank me one day, but i cannot walk your journey with you. NO. She wants time and space to figure this out. As we've said all along, she wants to not be your sole focus. I agree with you that there should be boundaries of what you will and should accept. But if you want to be married, then this is not the way to enforce those.
DDJ - I hope that you can take a step back and stop focusing on her. This entire set of texts is all about her. Nowhere did you talk about your feelings. Nowhere did you validate/empathize. You say you only want to be married if she is XYZ. She isnt like that right now. So you can either divorce her or give her the time and space to become XYZ.
