Out of In house S- Start of two homes (10)

[vise82]

Hey have to start a new thread

Old thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...471#Post2676471

Seeing as how I am moving in a week, the title change.

I can see I still have a strong connection to my W and finding it hard to not act on those feelings. The air in the house right now as we get ready to move is lighter. I am not spinning about it too much. The moves are happening. The kids have seen both houses. W wants to exchange keys for our houses for emergencies and for kids and dog.

I am too attached right now and want my W back. But I don't like how she has gotten so close to other people (gay neighbor for one) and treats them and talks to them more or better then me. It just that I feel like she shares stuff with them that should only be kept between her and I. Its like everything we do is getting told to these people. I feel like I have no privacy. Then when I see her friend i just think well you know everything that's going on. It just feels like a violation of my right to keep stuff that happens in the house in the house. But with the new place It will help me detach.

But I can see some issues already starting, she is being very loose with the parenting schedule. She is going to be going out on a Sat night which will be her night to look after the kids. She is assuming I will just take them. I have a feeling she is going to do what ever she wants regardless of following the times we have with the kids. I will have to see how that plays out.

I just have this pit in my stomach where I think she is going to try to push me and walk all over me with this. A boundary issue for sure. time will tell.

She wanted S lives and that what it said in the S agreement, but she is going ahead and changing utilities over for me, the mail thing and now the key thing.

Its a she's out but she is in thing. I am trying to pull out and she is putting her self more in. I am just confused right now as I try to move forward one way and W throws something in the way that changes how I was seeing things go. Then I don't know if the change is bad or good.

I will just leave my post there for now.

[SH_]

Vise82,

I know how you feel and the challenges it presents.
I do not have a lot that I an say, but hang in there. Be kind to yourself. Focus on the kids, and yourself.

I am sending you my support and prayers and hope that you can have a day where you see and enjoy some peace and comfort.

[roist]

Good luck with the move.

You are right to not like your private life discussed to and by others. Unfortunately I don't see how you can CONTROL that. You cannot.YYou can express your disapproval of this and that it is not appropriate. Going further is controlling. Remember at this stage it is not about who is wrong or right. Obviously it is not right but until she recommits to you, it is irrelevant who is right.

Also you have expectations of how a W should treat a H. We all do. But in her head she is no longer your W and hence those expectations no longer apply.

I personally would make kid free plans for that Saturday night. And I would not mention them unless she asks you to take them. I am not saying to never be flexible but she should feel the situation.Firstly there is an agreement in place between ye and secondly she cannot assume that you automatically are OK with anything she wants. As you said it is a boundary.

Regarding the keys. That is your choice. If you think it could be useful.If not I would definitely not give a key. This is your place and not hers.

I have not followed all of your threads but have read some throughout you time here. Until now you appear (to me) to have remained too available and too obliging to your W. Now that ye are going to physically separate, I would urge you to re-assess your interactions with W. I am not saying block her from your life, but limit her in your life. I have the feeling she wants the best of both worlds. But she wanted out, give her out. Not just partially almost out. Just don't be a jerk about it. Be busy, less available but always pleasant.

You have had a tough in house separation. Next week is a new beginning.That is liberating and a great opportunity.IIt is not what you wanted but it is happening. Make the most of it. Get excited about what you will do with the kids and also what you will do in your kid free time.

[vise82]

Hey thanks for the support SadHub,

Roist.

I agree I can not control that I was just venting a dislike for it. With moving out I am hoping that I will get some privacy back. I am happy that I will not have neighbors that report to my W if I am home or not when W is not there. W was telling the kids that live next to us that we will be around to visit them a lot. I have no plans of coming back to this street. W has destroyed that dream of living on this street. I have too much anger towards a couple of the neighbors that think its ok to talk to my W behind my back almost daily, being a factor in the break up in a family, as it happens in front of their eyes and still not back off. It makes me sick to see them.

The way W looks at it as her no longer being my W. that's her choice and I would hope she applies for divorce the first day she legally can if that is how she feels.

Making plans, having a life, GALing, This all needs to get starting for me. And part of me I thinks I am ready to contact my brother. I cant see my life going on like this with no family contact. its not right. It should have never happened in the first place. It was a mistake from me to agree to it. I know so much more now about DBing that it has to be applied to my family. No question.

With the keys I think the best solution is a key box. We have them already, I can change the code on it as needed. and give out the code as needed.

With the too available and accommodating, yes I was, that was to make the best of what time we had in house together. It worked I think. The plan going forward was to back off, be less available, Live my separate life as much as possible, act like I am moving forward.

This is what I am struggling with ..Not being a jerk about it. Most convos in my head sound like I am being a jerk. I am having a hard time doing this with out being a jerk. I am going lightly into this.

I have dealt with the sod issue and I am not placing sod in her back yard. The movers I am not totally out of yet as I just said I don't think I will need them. And I will be moving as much as I can myself. The keys for the two houses think I just said nothing about it. By now I have a plan with the key box.

With the parenting plan, I think it starts when we both move out of the MR house so there is a grey area right now, her night out falls into that area.

So next week we both get our new places with an overlap of still having the old place until the first week in july, then the MR home will be sold.

[roist]

Thanks for taking my comments in the manner intended. It is a tough situation and I can understand where that anger comes from. . Hopefully the move will help with that.WAS tend to find people that will listen to them and sing their one sided song to that audience. Without the audience maybe she would have changed songs or found another audience.SShe could even just sing loadly to herself. What I am trying to say is that you could be right in that being a negative influence BUT you cannot really know to what extent if any that really played. Some people think they are being a good friend/neighbour and don't realise they are creating bigger problems by "helping".

I may not be clear in my message and I don't condone their behaviour ESP the gay guy, but find a way to healthily release your anger and reseeñtment.

Best of luck.

[otw]

i have noticed something in my situation is that some people dont want to make the W mad so they wont tell them what they really think. They just tell them what they want to hear to avoid the awkward situation. The funny thing is they think they are being a friend, when they are not.

Sad though, the people that will really tell there thoughts will get cut off by WAS.

[Ralph88]

This is normal. My WW has surrounded herself with non pro marriage people, and stays completely clear of anyone religious or that would try to talk normal people sense to her. She is also very munipulating and has turned even those that originally tried talking sense to her. The whole rewriting of history, making me the bad person, it's all my fault, I filed, blah blah. I did care what people thought, but no longer... I have my faults, sure, but this was her doing, and I am not the bad guy.

[Melo]

Hang in there brother. You are about three weeks ahead of me. I'm still in, in home S and am looking at what my future will look like. Thanks for sharing.

[SH_]

This is normal. My WW has surrounded herself with non pro marriage people, and stays completely clear of anyone religious or that would try to talk normal people sense to her. She is also very munipulating and has turned even those that originally tried talking sense to her. The whole rewriting of history, making me the bad person, it's all my fault, I filed, blah blah. I did care what people thought, but no longer... I have my faults, sure, but this was her doing, and I am not the bad guy.

This sounds so familiar in my sitch. Not only did WAW befriend and surround herself with other divorced women, she cut off our church leader, discontinued seeing the MC, and sought out family members that would cheer her on to do this.

It is so disheartening to see so many of the same scripts for the situations on these boards. I feel so naive. I have known so many divorced folks, but the reasons all seemed so apparent. Abuse, substance use and even mental issues. WS were another reason, but I tended to see the LBS just bail out as they did not want the cheating spouse back.

Anyway, I guess it makes sense that the WS surrounds themselves with those that agree or encourage them. Maybe it is just like us LBS surround ourselves with those that fight for the MR and family.

The best advice is Dbing because regardless we focus on the one and only thing we can control.

Ourselves.

[vise82]

Hey Rost, OTw, Ralph88, melo, and sadhub,

All good points they will talk to people who will listen not fight them on there path they have chosen.

True I don't know the extent that they have participated in this mess, but befriending her at this time with what she is doing and cheering her on. I just don't get it.

I have seen her inspirational images on her Ipad saying : she is doing this for herself.

Black and white right there.

It says nothing about the kids. Also she has another one saying forget the past it prevents you moving forward. Or something like that.

Just goes to show where her mind is at with all of this.

I get that W is struggling as I am. But it must be hard to stop this train one you have committed to starting it and riding it to your new life.

Her new life with new car and new house with two beautiful boys. W's quote.

Its all a fog. Her choice. I can only look out for me and my boys.

I am finding out how much work it is to change to a new address. Working on that now.