Not a hijack in the slightest, Blu! I'm interested in this, because I think my H also fits a lot of what you just mentioned.
Of course, he also has this whole fantasy life he's enamored of - raves, specific music associated with said clubs, the art scene, city life, binge drinking, drug experimentation. Basically full rejection of what we had together, and what he said he valued. So.... nice guy tilts off into a new, early-20's behavior-oriented direction? As I said, I don't know the guy who values this stuff.
I can't decide if it's a MLC, either. I also don't know what MLC really means.
Yeah, trazadone was good to me... until it wasn't.
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
There's a number of natural remedies that can be helpful with insomnia - and something as simple as warm milk can actually be really helpful!
Chamomile tea Epsom salt bath (guaranteed to make your relax if physical tension is an issue) Valerian root capsules (but get the mint ones, they taste and smell awful otherwise) Passionflower extract (can be dripped under tongue) Essential oil blends (I used to put a mix of lavender, bergamot, ylang ylang and frankinscense on my pillow, it works great, also for anxiety) Melatonin is particularly for a niche of sleep disturbances L-Theanine
Wind down before bed, make the bedroom comfortable and fairly cool. No computer. A warm bath is great. Read a mildly interesting book. Massage feet with lotion. Try a heat pad for relaxation.
These are all remedies that I have tried or had customers report success with, so worth trying!
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
You know, I forgot about the tea. I love chamomile tea, so I should get back into that, and I have yet to try out the epsom salt bath. Maybe because my bathtub is full of plants?!?! (I have a separate bath tub and shower.)
And I really do need to cut out the internet before bed. That's becoming a bad habit, and on my phone, no less, so a pretty bright screen before bed. Because I'm not sleeping in my own house, I don't have my normal eye-friendly monitor. A book would be a much better choice.
I am also used to sleeping with a fan at night, and the other house doesn't have one. I'll take a portable over tonight.
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
Well, I was smiling for most of the day, but that ended a little while ago. I was doing my grief counseling homework and it involved me making my loss history graph.
I jotted down all my notes yesterday, but in a random order and with no relative index of loss severity. Today I put it all together in order and with severity indexed. Well... I noticed something. I already knew it on some level, as some of these losses still bother me after greater than 20 years, but I hadn't realized the extent of the issue.
A recurring theme of my life is that I do not feel emotionally safe in relationships, be they friendship or love, or really even with family. It is part of the reason I have had so few good friends, I think. I was never one to have many, but after being hurt, I just used isolation as self-protection. The loss of these friendships left me hurt and not understanding what went awry.
H is only the latest in a long string. The difference is that, with him, I felt absolutely safe for at least 22 of our 25 years together. The last 3 years... well, not so much. We'd have a big fight, and then as I was starting to feel like we had healed, something else would happen, until he walked out of my life without telling me why. Th last issue had been over a year previously, and we were doing so well, or so I thought. There were at least 3 big episodes over those last 3 years that left me very wounded before the final coup de grace.
It's not an easy thing to recognize. Tomorrow I have to share this loss history with my grief counselor, and I suspect that will be very hard. I'm already thinking that I ought to see my regular therapist again later this week. There's certainly plenty to talk about now that i've done this project.
So. I wonder if I'll sleep tonight. I took melatonin about an hour ago, as well as a small dose of benadryl. We shall see...
Sorry I couldn't report a smile, SadHub. Nor can I report that I did any meditation today, though I will do it before bed. I aim for 15-20 minutes when I do it, so maybe I can get some extra credit???
Today I worked in my garden for a few hours. Man, I so regret not mulching my perennial veggie plot last year. OMG. The clumps of grass are massive, then there are the sharp and vicious thistles, horse nettles, and the worst - stinging nettles. Ouchie-wa-wa. I got the whole back of my hand stung up last time I weeded, and that was THROUGH my gloves!
Anyway, it's a tough slog. I have to carefully dig up these big weeds and grass clumps around my beautiful asparagus and rhubarb and berries. I can cover a few square feet in an hour, and the whole plot is probably 20 x 20. It's going to be many days or hard work to reclaim the neglect of one year. Kicking myself.
I did get plenty of critter laughing time in, and my friend came over to sit and look over my fields and talk for a couple hours, so that was great.
Tomorrow, tried counselor in the morning, and then Audubon meeting in the evening. I'm looking forward to the bird talk. Tweet, tweet!!
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
Hi Phoebe, I gained a great deal from reading 'Daring Greatly' by Brene Brown and your post above made me think of her.
She also has a couple of TED talks on vulnerability and shame. Her work is all around how vulnerability leads to greater connection with others and living in a more wholehearted way.
It's well worth a read. It sounds like you are doing some very useful work by the way - not easy stuff, but digging deep is always a good thing I think.
Hope you managed to get a better sleep xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Just catching up with everyone, been a bit out of action the last few days.
Was glad to see some happy moments for you, but sorry you grief counselling homework was hard. I guess on the positive, recognising these things is important to begin to heal.
Hope you managed to get some rest, and hope all goes well with the appointment today. Big hugs lovely.
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Oh my goodness Phoebe, I could have written so much of everything you wrote!
One of my 180s has been building friendships. Friendships with people (mainly women) of all ages. I'm really enjoying this.
And when I feel down because of what's happened and is still happening, I'll drop one of them a line and arrange a coffee date. I try and go on these at least once a week, and twice if possible. And it counts as GAL too
I'm really an introvert. I find being with other people quite tiring. But I'm also learning that I get a lot back in so many different ways. And we don't necessarily have to talk about what's going on in my life. It's actually a relief not to sometimes.
