14 days of sheer hell - part 4

[DDJ]

Thanks Painter for putting it into perspective. I took a train home and my WW picked me up at the station. As I walk towards the car, she always moves to the passenger seat. That is indicative of the role of the husband, the alpha male.

I got into the car, i said "i've been irrational, emotional, inconsistent and all over the place - how does that make you feel?" She said, " i think you have like bi-polar and i'm not sure who's going to be communicating with me" (jokingly).

I then said, "yesterday, when you said you want to go out on your bday eve without me, I did not ask you why, try and understand your reasons, i just reacted, so why?" To which she said, "well we're not in a good place, you're all over the place really and I don't think I'm going to enjoy myself with you around like that".

So, in the few hours that i've been home, I have validated, 180'd and did what worked. She is actually reading out her whatsapp messages to the guys on the new crew and tells me to trust her. They do want to go out again on Thursday and then Saturday again, so my heart will have to deal. I never reacted.

I said that I'm going out friday (cos i can really). She has asked that I tell her where i go and she will tell me where she goes. I will be a bit mysterious about it again. Need to keep her interest. She did bring up that with me going out "once a cheater, always a cheater". So i guess that I was right about her insecurity last week.

As for her own bday, she says that she wants to spend the time alone with me, and go on a date. So i'll give her what she wants (cautiously). I think that I had distanced to the point of being too cold. I was definitely pushing her away... not detaching.

Only one concern, she is definitely not in contact with OM, and says that he meant nothing, was just an infatuation - i do not foresee an apology anywhere in the near future. But that's future Dustin's problem. Right now, I watch and detach.

[DDJ]

And i've got 40 pages left from chpt 7 to go. I'm going to re-read until I know it off by heart. I have implemented alot of it, and like i said - I have no doubt in my mind that my WW would have been lost forever, if it was not for the LRT and everyone on this forum - even doodler :-)

She's still in the fog, I can see that. I need to be patient.

[doodler]

It sounds like Dustin is making great progress. Good for you!

[DDJ]

Yeah dood, I realised that i was doing everything that i did not want to do. I'm smarter, than she could be vindictive. Oh yes, that's also using AS-IF principle.

[Painter]

Thanks Painter for putting it into perspective. I took a train home and my WW picked me up at the station. As I walk towards the car, she always moves to the passenger seat. That is indicative of the role of the husband, the alpha male.

I got into the car, i said "i've been irrational, emotional, inconsistent and all over the place - how does that make you feel?" She said, " i think you have like bi-polar and i'm not sure who's going to be communicating with me" (jokingly).

I then said, "yesterday, when you said you want to go out on your bday eve without me, I did not ask you why, try and understand your reasons, i just reacted, so why?" To which she said, "well we're not in a good place, you're all over the place really and I don't think I'm going to enjoy myself with you around like that".

So, in the few hours that i've been home, I have validated, 180'd and did what worked. She is actually reading out her whatsapp messages to the guys on the new crew and tells me to trust her. They do want to go out again on Thursday and then Saturday again, so my heart will have to deal. I never reacted.

I said that I'm going out friday (cos i can really). She has asked that I tell her where i go and she will tell me where she goes. I will be a bit mysterious about it again. Need to keep her interest. She did bring up that with me going out "once a cheater, always a cheater". So i guess that I was right about her insecurity last week.

As for her own bday, she says that she wants to spend the time alone with me, and go on a date. So i'll give her what she wants (cautiously). I think that I had distanced to the point of being too cold. I was definitely pushing her away... not detaching.

Only one concern, she is definitely not in contact with OM, and says that he meant nothing, was just an infatuation - i do not foresee an apology anywhere in the near future. But that's future Dustin's problem. Right now, I watch and detach.

It's hard for me to relate to this alpha male thing. H tried at times to act cocky and domineering and I didn't know how to react. It actually came through as insecurity to me - which would be natural at this point, but to a woman, it might be interpreted as you feeling weak - which is the opposite of what you want to display. I'm thinking along the lines that a guy who knows he's the strongest, never picks a fight because he has nothing to prove. Makes sense?

Good for you on validating. I still hear some control and manipulation in there, though. I don't think you need to keep her interest by playing on her insecurities and jealousy, which you have said were warranted.

I think she's fighting for her personal freedom. She may be doing it in inappropriate ways, but she wants to be an independent adult. Having a child can make women feel very differently about who they are.

A close friend was just diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 50+, and she wishes she had known decades ago to get help and make better choices for herself in life.

[DDJ]

I was thinking that too, that the sexes on this forum must find it hard to understand how each one reacts to the other. A strong man does not question himself, he's confident and is always listening to make sure that he makes the right decisions, for the household.
This must be hard for strong women like the ones on this forum. Us men need to learn to lead of R and not the W. You women need to learn to let your H lead, which goes against the whole feeling, but i guess that's what 180 is about.

I was looking to buy porridge for my son, as i have a non-sugar fetish, and my WW said, don't look at the sugar content because then you're just going to start analysing. I took it and said thank you, for forcing me to lose some control. But yes, the mystery is to keep her thinking of me, not necessary manipulating her. If i had said, i'm meeting a girl, then that would probably be manipulation.

She is definitely fighting for her personal freedom, and I either give her the space to do that or lose myself (and her). I must trust her, I don't have a choice. She is now talking to a friend who was also a WW, has a second child with a different man and is pushing my WW to make things work. A support system does alot to help people find or lose themselves. The WWs new friends smoke weed but she has not. I do not see the same WW from last week Monday and the previous 5 weeks. She's not trying to be someone else anymore, just herself.

... and then, she's had one bottle of white wine tonight, not even the whole bottle and was supposed to put our S to sleep. And our S has just left our MBR and went to lay in his own room, as she's tipsy and passed out snoring. The fog is deep! But baby steps hey. I'm off to lay by him.

[DDJ]

So WW phone was vibrating whilst she was sleeping, I wish she could just lose it... Anyhows, I was thinking of snooping. I did try and put it off vibrate, but had the resolve not to check it.

I spoke to her earlier about transparency and she said it's fine to check her phone. However, she thought i did check her phone as she awoke and was quite defensive. Well, a good 180 there from me regardless.

[Painter]

I was thinking that too, that the sexes on this forum must find it hard to understand how each one reacts to the other. A strong man does not question himself, he's confident and is always listening to make sure that he makes the right decisions, for the household.
This must be hard for strong women like the ones on this forum. Us men need to learn to lead of R and not the W. You women need to learn to let your H lead, which goes against the whole feeling, but i guess that's what 180 is about.

You're still speaking a foreign language to me... I think it makes sense to take turns and utilize our individual strengths as a couple to each do what we do best. Nobody can take the lead all the time, that's exhausting. It's not a hierarchy, but a partnership, it's in the name.

... and then, she's had one bottle of white wine tonight, not even the whole bottle and was supposed to put our S to sleep. And our S has just left our MBR and went to lay in his own room, as she's tipsy and passed out snoring. The fog is deep! But baby steps hey. I'm off to lay by him.

This is clearly something she needs help with. It would be a dealbreaker for me. She is not fit to take care of a child.

[Natus]

I agree with Painter. It kinda feels like you are reacting to the trivial stuff and then glossing over what should be deal breakers. Its like you are putting alot of effort to being mysterious rather than being a stable, solid H and F.

Drinking in front of S until she is unable to put him to bed. That is a deal breaker, i would have questioned her priorities as a mother. Yea it may mean we fight about it if i failed to approach the subject tactfully but i would make a stance there.

On the going out drinking with the crew, i wouldnt tolerate it. For me that is a clear boundary and a roadblock to mending the M, but thats just me and where i am from its very bad for W to be hanging out at night with other men. (that goes vice versa for H's too here).

The going out and disappearing to appear mysterious seem a little childish to me. Dont get me wrong if you have activities by all means go ahead and do it, if she asks id tell her. I would rather come off being happy with my activities rather than being cold and sullen about it.

[Natus]

Disclaimer: im new to DB so take my opinions with a grain of salt. As much as i want to DB or LRT i wouldnt do or stand for anything that goes against my code/honour/principles.