Working on detachment, my anxiety, and the joys of limbo

[Phoebe]

Well, today has been a pretty nice day.

I will admit that I cried at my therapist appointment again. Darn it. I made it through the last few visits without any of that. It wasn't a full-blown fountain or anything dramatic, but I did have to stop talking for a bit and pull myself together. Ugh. SO frustrating.

The weather today was gorgeous. Cool, breezy, sunny. After I saw my therapist I headed over to that State Park I mentioned earlier. It's only 2 miles from his office, so it's something I can do anytime I see him. It's a beautiful place, hilly, wooded, cliffs, rocky (I love hiking on big rocks!!!), and there's even a small glacial lake. Lots of trails, though it is the kind of place where there are so many trail intersections that you have to choose your path all the time. I'm definitely a long trial kind of person, so that's a bit odd. Anyway, I was impressed, particularly since I had never heard of it until about a week ago! I even saw a scarlet tanager, so that was kind of special. They're stunning creatures. I've done a fair bit of hiking by myself, so it really was good and felt normal. All told, I probably hiked for about an hour, so 3 miles, or so. Not much, but nice.

For the last few weeks I've been thinking about a road trip out West to visit a friend, but was stalling on it, didn't want to spend the money, wanted to work on my grief recovery stuff, yada, yada. Today my therapist asked if I had considered doing some traveling. Well, as a matter of fact...

So, I think I'm going to start firming up those plans. H spent plenty of money on his trips to parts unknown to party and do whatever. There is no reason for me to feel guilty about doing some travel, myself. I'm a cheap traveler, and when I get to my destination I'll just stay with my friend. Really, the only cost is fuel and 4 hotel nights, total, as I want to drive out there. Heck, I could even camp! I like driving across country and watching the land change as I go. There's something very grounding about watching the eastern woodland transition to the midwest fields, crossing the Mississippi, then seeing the transition to dry grasslands and then the mountains. I've done the drive a number of times, and more than a couple times by myself. Not sure about a date yet, but I'm thinking soon.

I'm still torn about getting new chicks. I really want to, but then I'd immediately have to leave them with my Mom to chick-sit if I did that trip. (She'd already be taking care of my other critters.) Somehow I doubt she'd be terribly happy about that. Still thinking.

Blu, I don't really know what my instinct says these days. In my heart I know that he is lost and is trying to fill the void in his life by whatever means give him the most positive feedback. I absolutely do not recognize the man I knew in his current actions or life. On the other hand, it is becoming clearer to me how long his fantasy life has been going on - at least 2 1/2 years, now from when he started lying to go out clubbing and developed his secret friendships. The PA is just sort of the latest stop on his journey. That's a long way down a road that I can't understand. I can't see him not wanting to come back to the life he has led, but I also couldn't see him leaving it, so... I'd say my instincts are suspect. Given the almost absolute lack of contact these days, I have no idea what he's doing/thinking anymore.

Speaking of contact, as predicted, he responded immediately to my query about the refund. Supposedly should see it in our account soon. If I contact him, even in a tiny way, he responds very promptly. My two brief sentences without preamble at least got a hello, an answer, and he signed his name. That's more than I gave him. I'm going to leave it at that for now. The less contact I have with him the better.

I mentioned to my therapist my feeling of revulsion after sending that tiny email, and he seemed pretty surprised that I had such a visceral response. He asked me what I would think if H came home tomorrow, given that reaction. I told him that I wouldn't allow him to come home. He'd have a whole lot of work to do to get to that point. Right now, it's hardly worth considering, as it's not on the table.

Sotto, thank you for your input. I think waywardness comes in many forms, and H's started as learning how to lie to me and then just slid from there on down the slippery slope to a full PA and walking away.

Painter, the loss of my FIL was the beginning of my husband's slide. By the following summer his ability to hide things from me was well-formed. He was seeing a therapist about that grief that he never told me about until there was suddenly a huge fight out of the blue (same woman who now tells him he seems happier than he's ever been - sigh). By that point he was already out clubbing. That was in mid-2013. I think that death touched off the cascade that is still ongoing. He actually told me that he was sure he'd regret all this in 10 years, but by then he'd be an "old man!!!" (at 53) Wow. Last time I checked, that was far from being old, but the seemed to believe it. Old is a state of mind, anyway, but that's another discussion. The point is, I think that seeing his father die at 60 made his reevaluate his own mortality, and not in a positive way.

So, SadHub, I just listened to another online mindfulness mediation reading on YouTube, and can I just say that it was AWFIL! Let me count the ways... first, it had birds in the background, so all I kept doing was trying to figure out if they were outdoors or on the video (video, because I didn't recognize them), then she kept talking about silly positive use of my imagination to tell myself good things, that I can have fun, etc... Ugh. how about just telling me to imagine some pretty clouds or a beautiful forest and leave it at that?

The last one I tried to listen to had a man reading something in a near whisper that had so many words with the letter "S" in them (starsssss and galaxiessss, etc.) over the soundtrack that I'm pretty certain that it was aimed at that tiny part of the population that exhibits the AMSR phenomenon. (Google it if you don't know what I'm talking about - it's really kind of strange and vaguely unsettling. Hopefully I don't cause offense to anyone by saying that. Listen to a couple of the AMSR videos and you'll know what I mean. To those with the response, AMSR is pleasurable, though.)

Anyway, that meditation video was also awful, as I don't have AMSR and the constant sibilant sounds made me cringe. Definitely not relaxing.

So far, the guided meditation has been a fail, and I'm struggling to shut my mind down to do it on my own in silence. I'll try again later tonight.

Sorry this was SO LONG!!! I use this forum to help me sort out my thoughts, and so I tend to ramble on and on. and on.

Thank you to everyone that's chipped in with advice or thoughts or encouragement or even 2x4s! It means a great deal to me.

[SH_]

Hi Phoebe!

What a fabulous day you have had. You have gone through a full range of emotions, got in some physical exercise, enjoyed the outdoors, started making some fun future plans and listened to some awful meditation youtube videos. And if you are not smiling after that, then pick up a pencil already.

You did not mention sleeplessness nor shakiness one time. Now if you did have those things, don't bring it up now. Stay focused on all of the other stuff and you will start to adjust and lose both.

I am saying this, as I have noticed my shakiness going away. Why you might ask? My answer today, is because I have not thought about it much. When it has creeped in, I am finding a specific reason for it not related to feeling anxious. Things like hunger, anger, sickness, caffeine, etc. Once I give it a reason, I notice it slow and stop. Kind of weird, but it has worked since last Tuesday, so I am going to run with it. No anti anxiety med for almost a week.

So the sleep issue. Over the weekend being sick, I may have mixed somethings I should not have (a little birdie told me) and well, my sleep was better. I stopped the mixing after the birdie, and well, I still had some wake ups. I promptly fell asleep, and then this morning, I woke up, laid there for a bit, and just jumped up and went for a jog. I have felt good today. Not as much sleep as I think I need, but I am going to try and not focus on it, and see where it goes.

So, that is my 2 cents and why I commend you for journaling so many good things that can hold your focus and take you forward. There will be triggers, as there were for me last night, but I am now aware, and will focus to counter them. Today has been great in spite of the challenge last night. I had several folks post great thoughts, feedback, and genuine concern and comfort on my thread and it has added to the hope that I am feeling today. Thank you Phoebe for being one of those that check on me regularly.

For the mindfulness meditation I am reading a book with an 8 week plan that is really good. I know there are many things out there, but you may have to poke around until you find one that works. Keep at it and remember, there is no fail, unless you quit.

[Painter]

Excellent travel plans! I don't know how far north you are thinking about going, but if you do a stop-over just an hour or two west of Chicago, I'd be thrilled to get together for a visit!

Don't feel bad about tearing up at the therapist's, that's where you're supposed to! Much better than the grocery store, where I broke down once.

I'm glad you're getting your refund (although you shouldn't have had to ask), and hope it will help you feel better about spending a little money on the trip.

That park sounds like my kind of place - I like to meander, stop and look at stuff, and not get too far from the parking lot.

Maybe you can get a rooster and let your hens have chicks? I am always in favor of the natural way if possible - and that was also the easy way.

I think that my H was also thrown off his trajectory by losing his job. Suddenly, it was like he should grab what he wanted because life was unfair to him - he had worked very, very hard, and lost everything without having done anything wrong. Maybe he felt that he should do something wrong since he had already been punished... IDK.

I think what your H did, is very typical - but that therapist should not be a therapist! I would consider reporting her to the licensing board if she's encouraging him to have an affair and lie to his wife of 25 years. It is truly malpractice.

And I know exactly what you mean about guided meditations! I have listened to so many with poor sound quality, too loud background music, ennervating noises, etc. I especially like the ones with intense buzzing sounds that get louder and louder and then fade again. My favorite guided meditations are with Deepak Chopra. His voice is perfect for it, and the accent makes you feel just a little removed from ordinary life.

[Phoebe]

You guys are awesome!

SadHub, you had me laughing, and I really appreciate it when that happens! I mean who wouldn't laugh at the idea of subjecting oneself to awful meditation videos, and calling it fabulous!?!?

It really was a good day. Sorry that you're back to some sleep issues, and that that nosey little birdie messed up your program. Still, better safe than... rested? Not a great trade, is it? Anyway, your approach to just call it a night and get out for a jog is an incredibly admirable one! I'm going to give your approach to the shaking a try - ascribe blame to something specific and see if it helps. I know for certain that if I think about it much it gets worse. I've been trying to ignore it the last few days.

I'm glad to hear that you haven't needed the anxiety meds this week. I take them maybe once a week or less these days, but I feel no guilt if I need to do so.

Painter, I would be driving right by Chi-town, so I would absolutely love that! Let me figure out my plans and come up with a time frame. I don't have any specifics yet.

Therapists must see people cry all the time, but I still have a hard time crying in front of people. My instinct has always been to hide my emotions, so I feel trapped. He's really good when it happens and is very soothing, always telling me it's OK to show it, etc.

I am so sorry to hear about your crying in the grocery store. That must have been really difficult.

I'm with you on your assessment of H's therapist. I think that she really messed up when H went to her after his dad's death. He needed treatment for depression, but she missed it. He didn't see her again until recently, but she has no business validating an affair or his causing so much pain. Gaining happiness at that expense is not OK. I don't know her name, so there's nothing I can do about it. I asked him to find someone else, but... You know.

On the other hand, he could now be lying to that very same therapist. Maybe he didn't tell her about the PA. Lying by omission is his forte.

Tonight I started writing down notes for making my loss history graph. Given that it's to record the losses over my entire life, there was plenty to note. Tomorrow I'm going to turn it into its final form, a timeline on which the events and their relative intensities are plotted. When I see my grief counselor on Wednesday, I will need to read/present it to her. That will be hard. I've been warned in my workbook that I will probably cry, and that I will need to just keep talking through that. That'll be hard. I pretty much can't talk if I'm crying.

I wish you all a restful sleep, and if that fails, then have a good jog, SadHub!!!!!

[Painter]

Painter, I would be driving right by Chi-town, so I would absolutely love that! Let me figure out my plans and come up with a time frame. I don't have any specifics yet.

My schedule is pretty flexible, so let's figure something out when you get it more in place. Something to look forward to!

Therapists must see people cry all the time, but I still have a hard time crying in front of people. My instinct has always been to hide my emotions, so I feel trapped.

This jumped out at me. H hides his feelings and I would have to say it has caused problems in the R for me. Interestingly, he's the one who cheated and I felt it had to do with his inability to voice how he felt - he partly felt that I was overpowering and partly that I wanted something he couldn't give.

I don't know if you hid your feelings from H, but that's something you may consider changing?

I'm good at explaining my feelings and expressing them verbally, but I don't act them out. Maybe that's what you do, too?

I am so sorry to hear about your crying in the grocery store. That must have been really difficult.

It's a long time ago. It was after the R before I met H, ex-BF also cheated on me. Those two are the only ones, though.

Now think about kittens and tropical beaches and sleep well!

[Phoebe]

Well, still awake, shockingly enough. I've been laying here in the dark for an hour already and I'm not tired at all. Apparently I really should have taken the Benadryl.

I misspoke (mistyped?) about hiding my emotions. What I should have said is that my instinct is to hide my tears or pain. I didn't hide them from my H, but I prefer to hide them from everyone else. Mainly, I just never usually had any tears to hide. I was really never a person that cried very often until the very first major issue with my H after his first go 'round with his therapist, post FIL death. This fight just came out of nowhere (H just suddenly blew up), and it was so out of the blue and bad that I was blown away. Since then, I've cried more, and since BD in December, well... it doesn't help to consider it. A lot.

Other emotions I have no trouble showing, sometimes to my detriment. My face is an open book, so emotions are right out there. It's one of the reasons I am the worlds worst liar. I don't let anger or resentment build, unlike my H (like that fight above). Of course, that's a double-edged sword, too, isn't it? H used to complain that I never let anything go, whereas he went to the opposite extreme, all the while apparently building up resentment until he totally lost it.

Anyway, I suppose I should try again at the whole sleep thing. It's getting on toward 2 am again.

I did meditate again tonight, but it plainly didn't make me sleepy.

[SH_]

Hello Phoebe,

I hope you finally found the calm to sleep.

I had a good nights rest. Awoke only one time and it was brief as I returned to sleep promptly. I then awoke just before my alarm and now I am preparing to go for a jog.

It will come for you. I am going to continue to identify different things that are not focused on my sitch and my mind is accepting it so far.

Keep trying it. Try not to focus on the painful things in the moments of sleeplessness and shakes. The meditation is good. Keep at it and have a lovely day. I will check back to see how you are doing.

[Painter]

2 am here, too. And still wake up at 7. I should get off the computer earlier, the light supposedly messes with our brains.

I understand what you meant now about being private about your sadness. Sounds like we are similar in being open about our feelings in the relationship. I could never keep a secret from H, either. And he said the same thing, that I never let things go, where he wanted to ignore problems and sweep them under the rug. And his resentment built because of that...

[Phoebe]

Hmmm. I wonder if there is a semi-consistent set of characteristics in a man that make them more prone to becoming WAH/WHs. It seems that there are so many similarities in the relationship dynamics that I've seen talked about here. The woman at the BAN meeting said a lot of the same things. It's like they're following some prewritten script. Same words, similar actions, similar complaints... Maybe people aren't as unique as I think they are?

SadHub, Painter and I are natural night owls, but you seem to be a natural early bird. Awake just before your alarm went off and ready to head out on a jog at what time this morning?!?! The time stamp on your post says 4:16 am. I'm not even ALIVE at that hour!

Especially after breaking down and taking sleeping meds.

I lay awake until sometime after 3 am. Not thinking about my sitch, just yawning away and no sleep coming. I finally broke down, and took the stupid benadryl that I resisted taking as well as a Xanax, simply because I was fed up with laying there (the Rx label actually says to take "for sleep!"). Anyway, that knocked me out, because I first woke up just after 7, and then apparently dozed off again. I thought that only an hour or so had passed, but the clock told me I slept super late. Drug-induced sleep is not satisfying, and it really messes with your schedule if you don't take the meds early enough. It's certainly suboptimal to take the AFTER you've been laying there until the middle of the night. I should just take them early or be prepared to lay there all night and deal with it.

Trazadone worked really, really well for me, but I developed a weird skin reaction, so my doc told me not to take it anymore. I wonder if there's anything more along those lines, because that sleep was pretty normal, felt satisfying, and didn't leave me still sleepy in the morning, or asleep halfway into the day.

Anyway, another gorgeous day around here, even if I was knocked out for the first part of the day! Someone bought another dozen eggs, so the chicks are earning their keep. The person even left me an extra dollar! No idea why, but it was very nice of them. Birdies are out pecking and scratching and bust-bathing. They're so much fun.

I think it's time to go do some more weeding and reveal more of my asparagus. It'll only get worse if I keep waiting!

I hope everyone has a good day out there! I'll check in on you later.

[BluWave]

P, That is a bummer that you had a reaction to Trazadone! I think it is one of the best sleep aids and tends to have the least side affects. Often people are given Ambien for intermittent insomnia, but it makes many people feel mildly psychotic and tolerance is built up quickly. ... Benadryl and Melatonin can do the trick and both are over the counter. ... I got to a place where I was taking everything and anything I could get my hands on (which was a lot), but unfortunately developed some pretty unhealthy habits by doing that. Not a good place to be considering I work in the field ... But I digress ...

So, in terms of the wayward husbands having traits in common, I think that makes complete sense. I hope this is not breaking any board rules, and I tried to elude to it in another post, but there is a book I think you should read called "No More Mr Nice Guy." When H came back and read this book, everything started to make sense to him. He could be the king of the Nice guys clan! he read it again and felt like he was holding a mirror up to his face.

So in a nutshell, the nice guys aim to please everyone else (especially women), and are relished in our society for not being "masculine" and all of the negative stereotypes that parallel that. My H was raised by a strict mother, did not play sports, and was often disciplined for any behaviors that were deemed to be offensive to women. So what did he do in life? Became the perfect nice guy husband, father, and co-worker. So as life got more complicated and stressful, and without having his own outlets and coping mechanisms, he snapped. ... And who was right there pursing and telling him how wonderful he was and that the deserved better? ... I am sure you can guess! The anger and self-righteousness swelled, the rug was pulled out, and thus history was rewritten to justify it all.

Is that a MLC? I have no idea, I am still not even sure how to define that. People have asked me if it was, but I don't know? Is the term MLC something that helps the LBS feel better? It is more of a justification for terrible and hurtful behavior so we can forgive them?

I am sorry to hijack your thread, Phoebe. I can't help but wonder how many wayward husbands suffer form the nice guy syndrome!

-Blu