14 days of sheer hell - part 4

[DDJ]

well still no R talk, but intend on saying something along these lines:

I do not want to push you away, I know that mothers day was difficult for you, it was also difficult for me to not to wish the mother of my child. It is your birthday wknd so you need to let me know how you want me involved and I will gladly spend that time with you.

As for intimacy, I understand that you need it and I do want to let you in. What type of intimacy do you want right now?

For now I just want to know how you feel. I will not reply to you right away, but give me some time to think about what you're saying and i'll let you know what I think later this evening.

Thank you for being honest with me.

[doodler]

DDJ,

I don't generally like R talk, but I think Vapo may be right; maybe it's time for some R talk.

I had R talk with my wife this morning (she's planning on moving out today) and it went really well. Now that we've talked, I know more about my behaviors (good and bad) from her perspective and I think she has a better understanding of some of my issues with her. Maybe the two of you are at a good point in time to have a little calm R conversation.

[dream]

I don't see how your message to her will help your relationship.

[DDJ]

@dream - I don't think that it will help the relationship, but i also do not believe that it will take me back a step. She had a choice to roll over last night and take out her pink buddy, be needy and desperate - instead, she chose to go to sleep. That tells me that she is not being "as" selfish as last week.

She is almost certainly no longer in contact with OM. I cannot be 100% sure. But i'm still not initiating any contact whilst at work. Making sure that i 180 whenever she could look for a reaction.

As for her feedback to my convo to her above, she says that "my actions spoke very large yesterday, for me to not even wish her". She is starting to think that I don't care about her anymore. I will continue to GAL, going to start Al-anon, and hitting my daily goals. She said that she's fine with me not replying that I love her, "until i am ready".

@doodler, I am not going to initiate any R talk, I want her to do that. She's still talking about our planned trip to Europe next year, "God willing".

[MoveFrwd]

Am I reading this correctly that you are calling her using a vibrator as "selfish"?

Also, I don't believe that a communication is neutral. You're either moving forward or backwards. I agree with dream that your note won't move you forward...soooooo....

[DDJ]

@darknes and dream - what do i do?

so WW plans to spend saturday into her bday on sunday partying with new crew (BFF bro). I asked if I was going to join, and she said that i'm not drinking anymore so I will just get upset that she would be drinking. I told her that it is unacceptable for a married woman to go out with other strange men. To which she said that it is BFFs bro.

I know the waywardness is still deep, as she's saying that she made these plans yesterday when i never came back on time from lunch. My gut is to let her go, but how do i distance myself when I do believe that her going could be the last opportunity that she will have to cheat, before she goes back to playing a wife. I still have that irrational fear.

I am going to 180 it, but if she does go out without me it will be clear indication that she does not want to make the M work. I can't tell her that (can i), but those actions will speak enormous volumes. I cannot put in any boundaries, besides "walking away" when she returns on sunday. It will be a sad day, but something i have to do to protect myself.

i think i'm being impatient but that would be the final nail in the coffin. Any suggestions would be appreciated. Anything i could do before then?

[DDJ]

Yes i am calling that selfish and rebellious, since she can't have my "vibrator", she's using the next best thing, and taunting me by laying next to me too.

If that is moving me backwards, what do i do about her plea for intimacy and spending time together?

[dream]

so WW plans to spend saturday into her bday on sunday partying with new crew (BFF bro). I asked if I was going to join, and she said that i'm not drinking anymore so I will just get upset that she would be drinking. I told her that it is unacceptable for a married woman to go out with other strange men. To which she said that it is BFFs bro.

You're trying to tell her what to do. You're trying to control her. You haven't detached. She's using your lack of drinking as an excuse to not invite you. If reconciling with you was anywhere on her radar, you certainly would be included in her birthday plans.

I know the waywardness is still deep, as she's saying that she made these plans yesterday when i never came back on time from lunch. My gut is to let her go, but how do i distance myself when I do believe that her going could be the last opportunity that she will have to cheat, before she goes back to playing a wife. I still have that irrational fear.

This is why you have your goals. DETACH!!!!! Focus on yourself!! You cannot control her, or anyone else. This whole time you could have been focusing on yourself and building yourself into a person that only a fool would cheat on.... but instead you've been playing games and "experimenting" with the DB techniques.

I am going to 180 it, but if she does go out without me it will be clear indication that she does not want to make the M work. I can't tell her that (can i), but those actions will speak enormous volumes. I cannot put in any boundaries, besides "walking away" when she returns on sunday. It will be a sad day, but something i have to do to protect myself.

Yes. This is a very clear indication/action as to what she wants. This is why her words mean nothing! No need to tell her what her actions are telling you. She knows this. She's been trying to string you along. What do you mean, you will have to "walk away" on Sunday? Do what you've been saying you're going to do. Your goals!

i think i'm being impatient but that would be the final nail in the coffin. Any suggestions would be appreciated. Anything i could do before then?

What does this mean? If she goes her to birthday party with you, that's the final nail in the coffin? We can't predict what she may or may not do. I'm feeling like a broken record here... what you can do - focus on yourself. What were you goals again? You said you've been nailing them every day... but this post says otherwise.

[DDJ]

OK, you are sounding like a broken record, because I am a broken record. I need to up the ante on my goals. I had included that I would have no intimacy but not sure when I can let that one down. Can i ever drop that goal? I can definitely keep it going. I am much stronger but her whiley way to want to try and make things work has gotten me, again.

I am being the best that I can be but the wknds always come too soon. I am definitely doing the rest. Does it matter that she thinks that I do not care? I'm actually caring that she thinks that I do not care. Fck !!!

OK, this has happened every wknd for the last 3 now. I let my guard down each time. Then regroup for the week.

As for walking away, we'll thats just me being an idiot as always.

[DDJ]

So I put my S to sleep. Got dressed, told her not to wait up for me and I left. Can't wait for my car tomorrow. Never got it today.

Am sitting in the car overlooking Cape Town at night, from the mountain. What a beautiful view. I've been here many times before. With my XGF, my WW. It's kinda fitting for right now. I think I'll make this my place for when I leave. I feel bad for my son but I need to do this for me, while he's sleeping obviously.

I am detaching, but how do I protect my heart.my head is good. Got that under control now. I can stop the intimacy. Not an issue. But how do I stop my heart from feeling. How do I stop her from getting back in?