14 days of sheer hell - part 4

[DDJ]

well, the wedding song brought her home yesterday... she came home after the baby shower. She said that she is committed to the marriage and wants to work as a team. she wants to go out together, dating. she has agreed to transparency - that is all that i asked from my side. She had good support where she was for the day, old faithful friends.

she was very clear about me not giving her ultimatums, which i have no doubt will see her fleeing again. She cried saying that its hard to not hear "i love you" back from me, and lack of intimacy. i said "i still have a broken heart and i am not sure when i can let you in again as you need to build trust". she said that shes willing to wait, as long as it takes.

it's pretty clear that she's still in the fog. going to be for quite a while. Do i lower my wall, make sure that i don't allow her to cake eat and still focus on amended goals?
I still plan on being distant, detach, 180 and some GAL activities.

i should finish the DR book by the end of the week so that will help, but right now i need some vets help pls.

[Vapo]

Dude, good work. Unfamiliar territory for me though (not there yet by a looooooong shot). You are very new to this whole thing, but perhaps by now your intuition started kicking in. Intuition = gut feeling. What does your gut feeling say?

What ever you do, just remember to have no expectations and be sure the stuff you do is for you and not just to spite/punish your W...

Stay strong...

[DDJ]

Thx Vapo. Intuition is all I've got for now. So I forgot to say happy mothers day. My Bro living with me comes in and says it. I'm trying to sleep, she comes in and says that she's going to her dad right now for mothers day because I never said it. She asked why. I said that I forgot. Was actually not intending to say it at all. Still not said it, not going to.

So I awake 1 hour later and she's still in house, not going anywhere. I'm off to my own mother's day with my family. Whilst she puts our S to sleep for his afternoon nap. When I return I said I'll take her out, as a family.

It appears that the dynamics have changed. I will always have to accept that she can go when and where she wants. But she will have to accept that her going does not even make me blink.

[doodler]

DDJ,

I could care less about "special days" (father's day et al) and holidays, but if I forget to say something to my wife and/or forget to get a gift, then she'll hold a grudge for years.

I hope you have a wonderful Mother's Day.

[Ralph88]

DDJ, caution.... She is saying all the right things. People are good are doing that especially if they are trying to trick you. Actions, actions, actions.... You should already have an idea of what you would need in actions BEFORE you consider lowering your walls.

Personally for me, it would take weeks if not months before I would let them down, and I would continue GALing, DB, as if. I would after a time maybe in MC only, begin to let them down. I wouldn't suggest MC either, as I already have many times long ago. It didn't take me days and a few words to trust W in the first place, it definetely wouldn't now. Patience, patience, patience...

[dream]

Nothing has changed except for her words. I'm not sure why you're changing your course/actions for what she has said. You won't tell her "happy mother's day" but you'll take her out as a family? That makes no sense.

She isn't showing any remorse for her actions of seeking out OM. She hasn't signed up for any counseling sessions to improve herself. Nothing. has. changed.

[DDJ]

Yep, not lowering my walls, she was asking to spend time together, perhaps cake eating, who knows, too late now...

This is most likely going to end in D, as I can see that any "transgression" on my part will definitely see her fleeing and rebelling. My mothers day lunch has run over. Was supposed to be home by 2pm, and got here at 3-15. Kept her updated on timelines throughout and she and my S are not here. She's also not answering her phone or acknowledged any of my TMs. She clearly made plans at about 1:30 to be gone. Only getting second car tomorrow so dont know where she is or who she with since she not with her sis. It definitely does not matter.

This is my life now and I need to deal. I don't feel like i'm in limbo though, because I am not on her roller-coaster anymore. It would be asking too much for some consideration, I guess.

So when she does return, I need to focus on 180 and validation. Going to relax and watch some footy. Been out for 3 days straight so not going to do anything besides being in the moment.

Happy Mothers Day to all out there that deserve it.

[DDJ]

I am brought out a fresh roll of tissue paper so that I could ball my eyes out at where i am in my life. But i've still not.

My appetite is back for the first time in hours (took my mothers day lunch take-away), i'm focusing on getting the new car tomorrow which is making me feel better.

just got a TM that shes at a restaurant down the road. taking my time to get there.

[DDJ]

So as I'm sitting here with my son watching the same movie for the third time this wknd. I'm relaxed, living in the moment.

I think about lunch, how anxious I was at the thought that me being late could end my M. What could my WW be thinking now. Every TM to inform her of my delay could be the next nail in my coffin.

Why do I give the thoughts that someone else could be thinking, such power over myself? Why do I need someone else to need me before I have an appetite?

If this is love, then I never want to feel it again. But I know it's not love, it's irrational, it's stupid. I'm looking forward to giving and feeling real love soon...

I think I'm falling in love with myself. Actually getting goosebumps as I type that, with a smile all over my face.

[DDJ]

SO my thread is turning into more of a blog, at least that's how i feel. I watched EAT, LOVE, PRAY tonight for the first time. I had always avoided it but for some reason it was on my on-demand service and i thought that i needed something for my soul.

For those that have not seen it before, please do. For those that saw it before BD, i suggest that you watch it again. It contains everything that we're experiencing now, but mainly seen from the WWs POV. There are LBSs, WASs and WHs. SPOILER ALERT - The movie is really about forgiveness, not for the WS, but for yourself. You cannot find peace until you forgive yourself for what you did wrong. There is no moving forward if you are stuck in the past.

I've been awake for the almost 2 hours thinking about this concept. No anxiety, but at peace with myself. I even think that i gave myself to God. Not in the usual Bible bashing way, but rather understanding that I am not in control of my own life, rather a higher power is.

I was also thinking about al-anon and insanely their office here is only 3km down the road. I'll be contacting them tomorrow and hope to partake in my first meeting this week. The 12 steps resound so closely to the principles that are preached by the vets here. I guess it is about letting go...

WE'RE ALL ADDICTED TO OUR WSs. Thats why we need to be in their face, in the MB with them. If someone is addicted to cocaine, and you take them out of that environment then they may start again once back with their bad friends when released.
However, imagine keeping them in that environment and forcing them to stop using cocaine on their own. Asking them to evaluate their lives, what they want, what they need and you will find the purpose of DBing.

OUR WSs ARE ALSO ADDICTED TO US. They need us to need them so that they can satisfy their waywardness. They need us to cry so that they can say "he wants me, he needs me, let me show him what he can't have." The minute we lose our addiction to them, they MAY just open their eyes and see the lighthouse. The willingness that Sandi speaks of is them losing their addiction too.

I am finding enlightenment and I hope that the rest of you can find it too.