"I don't mean for this to sound like a threat, but I will not remain in a marriage with a spouse who has any contact with a person she has had an affair with, it is too upsetting to me. Either you immediately withdraw from the fire academy and end all communication with the affair partner, or I will need to move out this week and end this marriage. It is not what I want to do, but I feel this is an unhealthy situation for me. I need to know by Sunday night if this is something you are willing to do."
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I made some tweaks to make sure she knows I mean immediately withdraw.
Coconut, please just hold up. You are trying to fix things without the manual for these new tools. Can you just get through this weekend without pressing her to give you passwords, etc.? Please, you are charging into this completely unprepared. You need more information and she needs some time to think about what she's doing. Please do not give her your proposed boundary. It sounds a lot like an ultimatum. So wait and let's work on it together, okay?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
For the love of God, you really need to shut the f*ck up and LISTEN. You've gone off the rails now. Stop whatever pie-in-the-sky tactics you're pulling out of your ass and use your ears. Because if you don't, I can guarantee that you'll be a divorced man. Is that want you truly want? What is it you genuinely desire? I'm not being a smart ass here, but asking you some serious questions here.
-what kind of man do you want to see reflected back at you when looking at the mirror -what are your core boundaries (I'm not seeing any at all) -what does validation look like to you? -what are some of your issues, behaviors and patterns that you KNOW needs to be changed that contributed to the M breakdown
Take the focus off on W and put it where it squarely belongs...on YOU.
Stop trying to control W through shaming, patronizing comments, self-righteousness and indignation. Check your pride at the door and really re-read DR books along with Sandi's Rules for you've broken several of them repeatedly.
The definition of insanity is to keep on doing the same thing over and OVER expecting different results. Stop! For real.
I ought to slap you by the upside all the way to China for you're not getting DBing at all. You're a wild child running around in circles without your nappies.
How do YOU feel about it? You said you expressed your concerns last night. What did she say? If she truly doesn't want to tear the family apart, why would she even take such a risk by working with her AP? When you ask if you should keep pushing her.......I have to tell you that that word "push" bothers me. The rebellious nature of a WW would not respond well to pushing.
Let me try to say it another way. When a man knows what he cannot and will not tolerate in his M, he needs to take a firm stand about it. Not nag or plead, just stand on his values. Okay, you expressed your concerns to her. Did she see a man who was solid in what he said, or did she see a man who was trying to reason with her? You really can't reason with a WW.
She saw a man trying to reason with her, but I'm not willing to accept it... What do I do, sit ideally by and stress about the countless hours a week she's at the fire station? I am absolutely not willing to work on the marriage if she's not willing to stop volunteer work (no pay, kind like a hobby)... Yes, if she won't quit For our M, I won't want her back.
Sons capable of taking care of himself, but he does ZERO choresThe house is a lot of work, with the 1/2 acre lawn, pool, dishes, finances, grocery shopping, cooking, dogs... All of which I do... If I drop doing all of that, she won't be able to keep going in fire school... For now I'm going to my nieces play, I'll be back in 5 hours. If better suggestions are available on how to get her to quit, I could use it.. There's been no contact with WW
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
1 she will be financially strapped (I would make sure mort, elect, water get paid) 2. The only family support here is my family 3. She won't have enough time to cook for S before class, she won't have money for fdelivery 4. If all of this happens at once, she will feel a sense of loss.
And to answer someone's ? Why I would move, so my step son could stay, she wouldn't leave him.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
1 she will be financially strapped (I would make sure mort, elect, water get paid) 2. The only family support here is my family 3. She won't have enough time to cook for S before class, she won't have money for fdelivery 4. If all of this happens at once, she will feel a sense of loss.
And to answer someone's ? Why I would move, so my step son could stay, she wouldn't leave him.
Stop, stop...STOP. Full on stop talking to W! Step away and no one gets hurt. Say and do nothing for 1 week. Your homework is to read all of Cadet's homework links and visit other threads in the Newcomers forum. I do not see you posting in other threads at all. You have much...MUCH to learn here. You are now at the first grade math level and we see you running off trying to do Calculus when you haven't yet to master the basics at all.
I am wincing every time I see you post because it's like watching a train wreck at a warp speed.
