Have you tried any OTC products that make you sleepy? Dramamine causes drowsiness.
No, but I'll get some today
Quote:
Has your WW said she wanted to work on the MR, or did just say she would end the A?
Yes, she said she wanted to work on MR over and over, I think she can't bare the thought of taking me out of my sons life, and losing my family would crush her, they are all very close.
Quote:
As addictive as affairs are, the WW working with her AP may prove to be too challenging.
Do I keep pushing her to quite, or does she need to do it on her own? I laid out my all my concerns last night.
Quote:
If she has nothing to hide, then you should be free to look at her phone spasmodically, without warning her. You should be able to see all her email. This helps the wayward spouse to walk the line and helps the faithful spouse by seeing no inappropriate texts. There are other ways to show an accountability, but I won't get into all of that right now.
I'll tell her today that we need to do this before she leaves on trip.
Quote:
Did you see any text of telling OM it was over, or did she just tell you she told him?
She told me it was by phone, she said there was no texting, I didn't check.
Quote:
You are faced with making some very difficult decisions. Have you been thinking about your core values, personal boundary line, and the stand you will take?
No, yesterday I was focused on learning about detachment and your other advice.
Quote:
Just let me say this, and please don't think I am pushing you to do anything, I am simply giving you information. Your W is the unfaithful spouse (maybe emotional affair, maybe more). The burden to fix this mess should be on her shoulders. She should be willing to do whatever you need to save this M. She should be the one pleading with you for another chance. She should be the one who is crying over the destruction she has caused. She should be the one pursuing you. If you twist it around where you are doing any of these things that she should do...........you will lose any chance of her wanting to work on the M.
She's not there, I believe she's upset, but I still haven't gotten even an apology, I gotta detach.
Quote:
Where is she going this weekend?
To her BFFs house for BFFs bday, about 4 hrs away, I have no concerns about OM, and I'm hoping BFF can help talk sense into her.
Quote:
Take things slowly this weekend. Digest the information you receive. Take care of you.
Earlier in the thread someone said be thankful you gave me the time of day, at this point I feel like I owe you for about 5 therapy sessions, thank you for helping soooo much.
Last edited by Cadet; 05/06/1606:19 AM. Reason: fix quote
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
I thought of something I might do soon, have a friend come pick me up to go somewhere, that way when she gets home she'll think I am there (cause truck in driveway), and hopefully it will shock her more when I'm not..
Pulled from DDJ's thread. I admittedly have not read any of yours. But I wouldnt do something "to shock her".
Just worry about living your life. Not about trying to get a reaction from your wife.
Originally Posted By: Coconut I thought of something I might do soon, have a friend come pick me up to go somewhere, that way when she gets home she'll think I am there (cause truck in driveway), and hopefully it will shock her more when I'm not..
Pulled from DDJ's thread. I admittedly have not read any of yours. But I wouldnt do something "to shock her".
Just worry about living your life. Not about trying to get a reaction from your wife.
I agree with Darkness, this is a bad idea.
Listen, you need to slow down a little. I looked back at the DR book, (b/c you were confused about something it said being contrary to the boad's advice) there it was on the second page of where you started reading: "The following guidelines are written for couples where both spouses want to make the marriage work". If it makes you feel any better, you aren't the only one who misses these little, but very important statements. (Now someone will probably find something to throw back at me).
Quote:
Earlier in the thread someone said be thankful you gave me the time of day, at this point I feel like I owe you for about 5 therapy sessions, thank you for helping soooo much.
Well, thank you, I am happy to help anyway I can. I think too much is being said about me. I don't want anyone thinking I am trying to be some kind of DB board celebrity. MWD is the celebrity. I am no more important or special than anyone else on the board........I've just been around a long time.......and I was a wayward wife.
Quote:
Do I keep pushing her to quite, or does she need to do it on her own? I laid out my all my concerns last night.
How do YOU feel about it? You said you expressed your concerns last night. What did she say? If she truly doesn't want to tear the family apart, why would she even take such a risk by working with her AP? When you ask if you should keep pushing her.......I have to tell you that that word "push" bothers me. The rebellious nature of a WW would not respond well to pushing.
Let me try to say it another way. When a man knows what he cannot and will not tolerate in his M, he needs to take a firm stand about it. Not nag or plead, just stand on his values. Okay, you expressed your concerns to her. Did she see a man who was solid in what he said, or did she see a man who was trying to reason with her? You really can't reason with a WW.
The betrayed spouse is in the position to tell the unfaithful spouse the prerequisite to the continuous MR. The unfaithful spouse hears the stipulations presented, and then is free to make a choice to comply or refuse. There are no compromises. There are no negotiations. If she really wants to save this M, she will show respect for her H and her M by ending all contact with the AP. There is no going from an A to a professional R. That is a compromise to the integrity of the M. She essentially has to decide which is more important in her life.
She will not want to stop working there, but it is not about "want" in this situation......it is about willingness.
I hope I'm wrong, but I expect her to think she can play you. She'll try to make you think she is over the OM, and working with him is no big deal. She will create ways to be more secretive and take the A deeper underground. (And don't share this concern with her).
Use this weekend wisely. Don't pursue her while she's gone.
You have a lot to learn. Don't do something without fully understanding what it is you are doing! Make sense?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Coconut, See your MD about some anti-depressants. Lexapro made a big difference for me. Now I feel rested in the morning and able to tackle life.
Me-LBH, 48 Spouse-WW, 48 Married for 19 years Son, 12 BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding) BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA) WW filed D February 2016 WW moved out April 2016
Do I keep pushing her to quite, or does she need to do it on her own? I laid out my all my concerns last night.
How do YOU feel about it? You said you expressed your concerns last night. What did she say? If she truly doesn't want to tear the family apart, why would she even take such a risk by working with her AP? When you ask if you should keep pushing her.......I have to tell you that that word "push" bothers me. The rebellious nature of a WW would not respond well to pushing.
I feel like I will stress the F out every time she gets a call. I told her that I don't know if I can move forward if she is still in contact with the OM, no matter how infrequent it is. At this point, I'm hoping she gets to where she wants to rebuild the MR and makes the decision to leave the fire academy... Right now she's just angry and resentful.
Let me try to say it another way. When a man knows what he cannot and will not tolerate in his M, he needs to take a firm stand about it. Not nag or plead, just stand on his values. Okay, you expressed your concerns to her. Did she see a man who was solid in what he said, or did she see a man who was trying to reason with her? You really can't reason with a WW.
Is this a good time to do that, she's definitely not feeling rebuilding? Like I said, she is yet to even say I'm sorry, fake or real.
The betrayed spouse is in the position to tell the unfaithful spouse the prerequisite to the continuous MR. The unfaithful spouse hears the stipulations presented, and then is free to make a choice to comply or refuse. There are no compromises. There are no negotiations. If she really wants to save this M, she will show respect for her H and her M by ending all contact with the AP. There is no going from an A to a professional R. That is a compromise to the integrity of the M. She essentially has to decide which is more important in her life.
See above, she's still in the cloud.
She will not want to stop working there, but it is not about "want" in this situation......it is about willingness.
I hope I'm wrong, but I expect her to think she can play you. She'll try to make you think she is over the OM, and working with him is no big deal. She will create ways to be more secretive and take the A deeper underground. (And don't share this concern with her).
I won't share, and I won't be played... But I'm just not sure when to put my foot down, while in the fog or after, right now I'm the enemy... Sometimes I feel like I just need to move out to make her life much more difficult, but am concerned that there will be no going back.
Use this weekend wisely. Don't pursue her while she's gone.
Oops... See below
You have a lot to learn. Don't do something without fully understanding what it is you are doing! Make sense?
Yes.. I feel like I need cliff notes. I'm really trying to slow down, but when we talk, it's like she is my previous wife, minus the emotions.
[/quote]
I forgot who said to see me about depression melds, but good point, I was prescribed something two years ago, but stopped taking them after a week or two, because I came out of highly emotional state and thought I was better, I wasn't. I will go see them again.
Ok, so today wasn't so hot. Wife came home as I was leaving, in real short conversation I explained to wife that in order to regain trust I need to know what's going on, and asked for her passwords for message apps and social media. When I got home, she hadn't written them down so I called, she said she felt like she was being smothered and it would be subserviant of her to give them and said she needed to think about it. I reminded her that she has all my passwords and that it was to help me regain trust.. She said she would show me everything, but needed to think about if she wants to live like that. I still don't have PW's.
I talked to my cousin in confidentiality about everything going on, he was previous WH who pieced together and M better than ever, I asked wife by text if she would talk to him, she was upset I told him everything, said all family will be talking about it, and said she'd consider talk. She later text and said she would, but not because she wanted to, but because I wanted her to. I didn't respond to text.
She later text that she made it to BFF and I responded, it was a long drive, glad you made it safe...
Talking to my cuz was good, he's the only one that knows now and it really helped me to have someone to talk to.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
A betrayed H should tell his WW his conditions for her staying with him. He should not "remind" her of a thing. That is pushing! You pursued and pushed, and then you opened your mouth again to plead with her to talk to your friend! Cut it out!
Quote:
Is this a good time to do that, she's definitely not feeling rebuilding? Like I said, she is yet to even say I'm sorry, fake or real.
Of course she isn't feeling it.........she is in an A! What did you expect? Like I said, it isn't about her feelings, it's about her willingness to do whatever it takes to save her M. She did not tell you she was sorry....b/c she isn't sorry. She feels in love with this OM, and the addiction of the A is going to trump how she feels toward you and the M. You are looking at her feelings instead of her willingness...or lack thereof.
The time for you to say what your conditions are was when you had the talk last night, (or whenever it was). I also said you needed to understand more about what to do before taking action.......but you didn't listen, and you made matters a little worse. Instead of her seeing a strong, confident man who will not tolerate infidelity.........she saw a disparate one. So, can you please keep your mouth zipped (for your own sake) and not talk and not push any more tonight?
Quote:
I won't share, and I won't be played... But I'm just not sure when to put my foot down, while in the fog or after, right now I'm the enemy... Sometimes I feel like I just need to move out to make her life much more difficult, but am concerned that there will be no going back.
She is in the affair NOW! This is when you "put your foot down". You can wait around 6 months, a year, maybe two, and see if the A ends and she's out of the fog..........but then it's too little too late to be telling her what you will not tolerate in the m.
Quote:
Ok, so today wasn't so hot. Wife came home as I was leaving, in real short conversation I explained to wife that in order to regain trust I need to know what's going on, and asked for her passwords for message apps and social media. When I got home, she hadn't written them down so I called, she said she felt like she was being smothered and it would be subserviant of her to give them and said she needed to think about it. I reminded her that she has all my passwords and that it was to help me regain trust.. She said she would show me everything, but needed to think about if she wants to live like that. I still don't have PW's.
Why are you doing this before she even hears about a transparency plan and agrees to no contact with OM, or agree to stop working with him. You are not approaching her at the right time nor in the right way. You have not learned are the details yet. Stop jumping in the deep end before you learn to swim.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Checked cell phone records, and she called OM on her way up to her BFF. She is obviously not done wwith the A, and I won't live in that Limbo.
I have thought about it, and I am ready to create some boundaries and enforce the consequences. Here is what I'm thinking:
"I don't mean for this to sound like a threat, but I will not remain in a marriage with a spouse who has any contact with a person she has had an affair with, it is too upsetting to me. Either you withdraw from the fire academy and end all communication with the affair partner, or I need to end this marriage. It is not what I want to do, but I feel this is an unhealthy situation for me. I need to know by Sunday night if this is something you are willing to do."
She is out of town now, and will not return until Sunday morning. I don't know if I will see her before I head out to take Mom out to Mother's Day brunch, and she will be going to her moms before I get back.
I'm wondering if I could present this message by email or phone tonight, or if I should wait to see her Sunday night? I think it may help sway her to choose to save M if she is making that decision on Mother's Day while with her mother and son (family).
She will need to withdraw from academy before her Monday night class for me not to end marriage, so I thought it might be better for her to take time to think about it. Is that a bad thought?
I haven't been able to find anything on a transparency plan, so I don't know if that should be presented at the same time.
Also, my plan would be to move out this week and stay with mom until I figure out how to proceed with separation, I'm worried if I stay in the house I would be enabling her, if I move out I don't believe she would be able to continue in the academy and take care of house and son.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
"I don't mean for this to sound like a threat, but I will not remain in a marriage with a spouse who has any contact with a person she has had an affair with, it is too upsetting to me. Either you immediately withdraw from the fire academy and end all communication with the affair partner, or I will need to move out this week and end this marriage. It is not what I want to do, but I feel this is an unhealthy situation for me. I need to know by Sunday night if this is something you are willing to do."
.
I made some tweaks to make sure she knows I mean immediately withdraw.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Are you prepared to end the M Monday morning and file for D? Are you ready to cut off all contact with her and end everything Monday morning? This is the after the last resort technique. If you make these statements, be prepared to act. I was thinking of this message, but even after 5 months of this mess, I'm not sure I want to send it and I isn't want me W back the way she is, nor do I want her to end her A based on me pushing and pushing her. I may change my mind in the very near future though.
Ralph88 Me 40s W 30s, D5 D3 , M7 T9 2013 B drop 1, EA found 2016 B drop 2, EA/PA? 2/16 Physical Seperation 2/16 I filed for D 4/16 PA Confirmed
Also, my plan would be to move out this week and stay with mom until I figure out how to proceed with separation, I'm worried if I stay in the house I would be enabling her, if I move out I don't believe she would be able to continue in the academy and take care of house and son.
Unless her son has special needs, he shouldn't need much taking care of at 16.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
I don't want anyone thinking I am trying to be some kind of DB board celebrity. MWD is the celebrity. I am no more important or special than anyone else on the board........I've just been around a long time.......and I was a wayward wife. 