Working on detachment, my anxiety, and the joys of limbo

[JksD]

(((Phoebe)))

Hang in there. I am more than a year past bd but I am going to let you in on a little secret. It was only in the past few weeks that I have managed to totally stop stalking him on out texting app. That was so not helping me at all and there wasn't a way I could make that infomation work for me.

You are getting things right faster than I did.

I wish I could have told my younger self to run when I first met xh. And that any of my suitors would have made me a happier person than he did. But it is what it is. I appreciate the good times that we had because I believe that most of them were genuine. And it gives me faith that I am capable of happiness.

You are capable of happiness too, Phoebe. And you are capable of happiness with or without your H. Life will get tough. It will get lonely. But you are enough for you. And you are such a wise lady. I am betting that you will find detachment faster than I do.

[Phoebe]

Hi everyone. I'm back home. Despite lack of sleep, today was a decided improvement over last night. I got to spend a lot of time with a really good empathetic person, and I was definitely in a better place, mentally.

On my way, I drove a bit out of the way and stopped into a local agriculture store to look at the chicks they had available. (Lots of nice breeds!) I'm still trying to decide.

I checked my own coop, and I know for certain that I have more than enough roost space for them at night, and the coop itself is large enough, as long as they have adequate space outdoors. When I need to keep them locked up they have an enclosed yard - say the weather is poor (winter!), or when I'm out to town. Chickens are brutal to each other and I already have some bullying in my group, so they are telling me that on confined days they are short of space. I need to build them a bigger outdoor under-roof area, so I might as well make it a little bigger to accommodate a few more birds.

I think I'm talking my self into more birds as I type. I mean, what the heck, right? What are 6 more (little) mouths to feed? It's not like I'm traveling between two states anymore following my H around, right? I am heeling myself in right here in my own place because I want to stay here.

The only real thing that pulls at me is the possibility of going on a long hiking trip again. In the past, I always sort of told myself that if anything happened to my H (and here I was thinking if he died suddenly, not if he ran away from home and got an OW) that I would go out and spend a few months hiking to get my head straight again. Part of me wonders if I ought to do that now, but I don't know if that would be healing in this circumstance, given that all of my previous trips were with H. Would I be lonely, more devastated, scared? I don't mean scared of being alone outdoors, or of the dark, or of anything silly like that, but of the larger picture. I just don't know. I should go out for a few nights to see how I feel about doing it alone.

Now there is a prime idea for me to get the heck out of the house for a few days - a short backpacking trip. The forecast this weekend is crummy, so i have time for some research, and the local ag store is going to have chicks for the next 6 weeks, so no quick decisions required. I don't think I can hand off baby chicks with a pet-sitter, so if I do some camping, it should be first.

You know, I am an idiot. I just realized when H started back into his secret life last year - right when we got our chicks. Because I couldn't leave chicks with a pet-sitter, he was going on his own back to the other state on his own every couple weeks. I was hemming and hawing if we should get chickens or not, but he encouraged me. After D-day he told me he swore off contact with his club "friends" after I found pot in his travel bag the previous fall (at the time he said it was from a coworker and I didn't know the club friends existed), but then he reestablished contact with them midyear. Sigh.

Another piece of the puzzle falls in place. I was told about this at the BAN meeting - that over time I would fit the puzzle together more and more. I guess it's true. Those cute little chicks gave H an excuse to get away from me.

Well, that was a crummy thing to just realize. And on that note, I think that he is never going to come back. He planned this for far too long. Sh1t.

[Phoebe]

Cherry, Blu, SadHub, Grl, Painter, Sotto, and everyone else here, I am really glad that I have so many of you looking out for me these days. My home team is pretty small, so knowing that there are others out there in this big world helps a lot.

Thank you.

NEATURE and pencil smiles to you all!

[JksD]

I love your place and all that land and nature. I live in a concrete jungle.

Phoebe, realisations like that will keep coming. And you will start to look at your life just before BD in a very tainted way. Maybe you could write them down, keep them in a jar and then burn when the jar is full or let them flow away in a river.

And then for happy memories, with or without H, you can write them down on tiny strips that you use to make stars? And then fill up jars with them. I am thinking of taking on this project with kid. Or if you're more handcrafty, make them into paper cranes.

Destroy memories that hurt you and make something beautiful with the memories that build you up.

[Phoebe]

You know, Grl, I really like that idea.

A friend of mine made herself a rag doll doll while she was in therapy. It was made entirely of strips of fabric on which she wrote her thoughts. I've never looked at it closely because I don't want to invade her privacy, but I have always loved the idea. I just wouldn't want a permanent record of such private thoughts, though.

Putting them on paper sounds lovely. Set the bad memories free, and make something beautiful from the good ones. I love it.

[Painter]

Grl, that is a lovely idea!

Phoebe, are there any backpacking meetups? So you can go with a group of people? I think that would be key, not be alone with your thoughts.

[Phoebe]

I don't know about backpacking Meetups, but there are definitely hiking Meetups. I did see one backpacking trip with some other group a couple weeks ago (adventurers group, or something?), but it was before I had my gear. Now that I have my equipment again (collected when I went back to the house), it's totally an option. You're right, Painter. Other people would help me keep my mind off H.

Here's something totally random: I just made a chicken saddle!!!

Imagine an apron (but as thick as a pot-holder) that you put on a chicken, but it covers their back instead of their belly. I mentioned that I have some mean girls in my little crew, so this is to protect the victims from feather-picking. A saddle should give more submissive girls a break so their feathers can grow back in. Now I just need to sew 6 more!!

[1gr8dad]

Phoebe, I'm sorry to hear of your story. I'm finding meetups a great place to maximum your GAL. Go for it. Carpe Diem!

Lots of love your way, I see such positive support you give others on their threads. We thank-you for the giveback even when you are dealing with your own Sitch.

[Painter]

That's a great idea with the apron! I painted gentian violet on the back of the ones that got picked on, I was told it hides the red color that makes them more eager to pick.

Do you have a rooster? We had a bantam that was so tough, his son killed a hawk!

The loveliest breed I had, was a Cochin - she brought up 3 generations of chicks for us from other hens, she'd hatch all their eggs if we'd let her! She was so protective of her babies, and a wonderful mother.

[Phoebe]

Thank you, 1gr8dad. I have always believed that we get back what we give, and I try to help others in what small way I can. I truly appreciate all the kindness I have been shown here.