Working on detachment, my anxiety, and the joys of limbo

[SH_]

(((Phoebe)))

I hope that you can get some rest today. Be gentle with yourself and let it pass. I wish I could tell you something that could turn of the pain. But I know that it has to pass through and you have done so well to take the actions to heal and move forward.

I hope that pencil smiles, meditation, and the company of a loved one might ease the struggle this day.

I pray for you Phoebe, I hope to hear that you are in a better place after some well needed rest.

[Sotto]

Hi Phoebe, I'm sorry you had a rough morning. If it helps at all, I can remember having some terrible starts to days and by the end of the day I felt calm and centred. Sometimes just releasing some energy and grief helps settle you again.

What you are going through is the road to recovery. So having meltdowns like these - whilst difficult - do help move us forward I think. In time, they will grow less frequent and less intense and at some point you will rarely grieve because you have moved so far forward.

It can feel hard to see this when you are in the middle of everything - but you only have to look around at others on the forum to know that you will be in a similar place when more time has passed. Do try not to mind read about your H. Who knows how happy he is feeling with OP. He may (or may not) be wracked with guilt. May or may not be starting to feel trapped with OP. May still be feeling elated. It takes a while for the impact of poor choices to seep through, but in time for most situations it does.

Take care - feel the sun on your face and potter in your yard, have some gentle company and enjoy your animals - this too shall pass xx

[Phoebe]

5 hours of fitful sleep and I'm exhausted, look awful, and need to drive two hours each way to see my grief counselor. I thought about rescheduling again, but I need to deal with this, so I'm off.

Unless there is done pressing need, there is no way in hell I am ever going to look at H's photo feed ever again. its a poison.

[Phoebe]

Thanks for your kindness, Painter, Sads, and Sotto. It means a lot. Last night was awful and hit me completely out of the blue. This morning... well... I can't say it's better, but at least I'm not in pieces.

[SH_]

Rainbow hugs (((Phoebe)))
Pencil smiles
Neature walks
Exercise
Meditation
Hot shower
A good meal
Journaling
Social connection
And special care for yourself.

I hope these and any other healing actions you can think of may benefit you this day Phoebe.

I will check in regularly as i am concerned for you and want to provide the support and strength that you have done for me on my bad days.

[Painter]

Phoebe, can you get away for a weekend or longer? I wonder if going somewhere - vitising friends or extended family, going somewhere with a full schedule, could be helpful. Even a weekend hiking trip or other organized thing, just something that takes you out of your head for a longer period of time. I'm worried that staying in the house for so much of the time keeps you stuck in missing H. I know how good it has been for me to change surroundings, probably much more than I realized before I left.

Another thought I had was if you could look into using part of your land for a group so there was new activity and people around yoI'm thinking about things like school field trips (nature walks), a walking or agility training area for dog owners, small garden plots for rent for people who don't have land, a co-op farm (even with animals?).

I know co-op farms back where I used to live where there was an entire community of people supporting one organic farm - people sign u on a more regular basis. I don't know your local environment, but up for certain days/weeks of the season where they will take part in the work, and they pay a fee at the start of the growing season to get a weekly bag of veggies.

I think it could be good for you to take a step forward in a new direction - do something - that doesn't include H. Something that takes your life past that intersection of 'he should have been here for this, we planned this together'. Do something you and he never thought about, something you don't tell him about, or includes him in any way (or is about him or the R).

Sending thoughts for a safe drive back and forth to grief counseling. ((((Phoebe))))

[Phoebe]

Thank you so much for your concern and kindness, SadHub, Painter, and Sotto. It's not been a great stretch of days, though at least the pattern is remarkably obvious at this point. I have contact with H, even tangentially like just seeing what he did to our home, and I fall apart. It then takes me a a couple weeks to put myself back together again.

On the bright side, at least I haven't yet done a complete Humpty Dumpty, so I can still put myself back together again. Kinda. Sorta.

It seems like every visit with my grief counselor takes longer than the previous time. This time I was at her home from 11-3:30. Wow. I admit that we both like to take breaks to chat about easier subjects, but it still amazes me how mch time she shares with me. She just lets me talk, and I do the same. It's very nice. Did I ever mention that she only charges a flat fee for all 7 sessions, and it's way less than an hour with a lawyer??? Apparently that is the norm for this program. No, she is not a formally trained therapist, and that's totally fine by me. She is just another person who went through her own hell, found a way to help herself and then got additional training in that method so she could help teach others. I guess I'd classify her more as a facilitator than a counselor, but you get the idea. Her generosity with her time is pretty amazing, and I really like her. We spend quite a bit of time talking about pets. It's a great neutral topic compared to our grief. (Part of the process is her sharing her own grief, so I imagine she needs a break sometimes, too.)

Painter, you are right. I do need to find something that I can own for myself from start to finish, something that H never knew about, thought about, touched, etc..

I'm thinking about bringing home some more chicks, but I'm probably losing my mind on that one. I'm actually selling enough of my eggs that I'm running low. I never thought that would happen, as I've been getting 9-12 eggs per day, and I was swimming in them! I've sold 13 dozen since I put my little box out, and have 2 more already spoken for that aren't even laid yet. My birdies just funded their own food purchase last night and they're got enough for another bag in reserve. So... Maybe some chicks would be a nice little project. They would mean a need for an expanded enclosed yard, too. Still thinking about it.

I'm very reluctant to spend money, and the bigger yard will cost money and time. I already have what I call a "baby coop" and all the other stuff I need for little ones. I don't know. Yesterday I would have said yes, today... Thinking.

Well, I've hung out more than long enough in this fast food parking lot, so I ought to get back to my drive home. Thank you everyone for checking on me. I'm going to do the pencil smile thing while I drive and see how it goes. And I'll try to be kind to myself about my falling to pieces moments. I can do passing sadness, but the breakdowns are a lot harder. They don't pass through me. They just knock me down flat. Ah well. I went to sleep after being knocked flat last night, got up, and managed the first part of my day without a repeat, so I'll call that a minor success.

NO MORE INTERNET TRAILING OF H!!!!

just a reminder to myself

[Cherry]

Oh honey, sorry to hear about the falling to pieces moments. They aren't great, they come in waves with me too, but glad to hear you pick yourself up and get out doing something with yourself.

The grief counsellor appointments sound like they are doing good. And it's great that she spends so much time with you. These appointments really sound like they help.

I love the idea of the chicks! It would be a great little project I think

[BluWave]

I am proud of you, Phoebe! You are doing as well as can be expected! You get up every morning and go about your day, even when it's the biggest challenge. You allow yourself the grief, but also remember to smile. You are open to new things but are learning to place the past further behind you. This is the hardest road you will ever walk in life, but I have no doubt you will get through it braver and stronger than before! I think one day you will look back on this and know what I mean.

Blu

[SH_]

Hi Phoebe,

It sounds like you had a good session today. I also think it is good that you are able to discuss other things to break up the focus on the difficult topics.

And I agree no more internet trailing of the H.

Hugs for you, and I hope you can do something fun tonight to take your mind off of things. You deserve it.