What Should I be Doing?

[sandi2]

do I lay ground rules, or just disengage and only worry about myself? I know that she'll be communicating with OM since she has to work through that, and quite frankly not doing so would be my #1 ground rule.

Instead of calling it ground rules, (b/c she'll think of it as Coconut's Rules and Coconut Controlling), you need to have your personal boundaries. You can find a link in Cadet's homework.

Again, don't start drawing your gun before you understand how it works. A personal boundary is like having an invisible line around yourself. You determine what crosses that line and what doesn't. As long as the line is respected, everything is fine. However, if the line is violated, what will you do?

The closest person in my life now is my mom, and I really want to turn to her, but her and my S are very close. If I fill her in, I don't know my mom would ever forgive her which would strain future R, should I find someone I'm less comfortable with or just do what I want?

If it should come to a separation, you might choose to share more with your mom. As you said, your W could possibly see it as a stumbling block in the road back home. As a mother of adult children, I would not want to be completely in the dark about my kids M's breaking up, but neither would I need all the gory details.

Then I start reading divorce Remedy (chapt. 10) and its share this book with your wwS, ask ? If you feel like you need to, spend more time with them....

I don't have my book with me at the moment, so I can't check. Many times, people do not take in account that she is talking about a spouse who wants to save the MR. She has quite a bit to those who are healing from infidelity. However, she is very blunt about anyone M to an unfaithful S that is unwilling to end the affair. She doesn't say a lot about a spouse who is unwilling to cooperate in saving the M. Her overall message is that D is not the remedy for problems in a MR.

The main thing is to realize she does not separate the WW from the WAW, nor use the term "wayward", as best that I remember. With all due respect to her, I personally believe there is significant difference in the two, but that is JMHO. If I had not lived through it and then study about it for the past nine years.......I may not have distinquished the difference, either. I don't say it arrogantly, nor as a putdown. I am just saying you will not find it in the DR book. Still, there is very much to glean from the book.
Just remember a lot is addressed in general terms, and a lot is to couples who don't want to divorce, and a lot is addressed to a wide-span group of issues.

One question I'd really really like an answer, what is the average time of disengagement before they come out of the fog? I know it's different for everyone, but some kinda answer would at least give me a starting point... Is it shorter if the affair was shorter (Max two months) and only got to kissing (which I kinda believe because she's been bleeding for a month now (she's at dr. Now to try and figure out why)

Seriously?!?

First of all, forget about placing a time on disengagement. Btw, this sounds very weak to these old former wayward ears. Okay......so two years! Feel better?

Secondly, you are focusing on the physical.....and not wanting to believe it went past kissing. You don't get it. Why do you think they divide affairs into separate categories of IA (Imaginary Affair), EA, and PA? For a woman, an emotional affair can be just as strong and addictive as a PA.

[sandi2]

Maybe you should have been warned that 100% of the board does not agree 100% of the time. Some LBH's have exposed the W's affair and was successful in ending it. Others were not so successful. Some were successful in ending the A....and it ended the M, as well. The problem in the M started within your W's heart before there was ever an A, and if the A ends today......you would see that the problem still existed in her heart. Everyone can find pros & cons about the subject of exposing.

Coconut, I don't want you confused about what to do and not do. You are cramming a lot of information in a short time, and that's good, however, take time to rest your brain.

I hope you get a good night's sleep.

[Coconut]

I tried Sandy, but another sleepless night, coming up on 48 hrs without any, I'm so glad I took the two days off and then have the weekend when she'll be out of town, that may help.

So I was doing really well today, mixed reading and exercise all day. Then, I saw a thread about trusting WW after reconciliation... I always trusted my wife 100% until a month ago, and turned out my fears were justified. Anyway, since I'm so far from piecing, I hadn't really put a lot of thought into rebuilding trust and started thinking about her scenario. She has A with another volunteer firefighter, says she broke it off (more on that later), but will be seeing him around the station until one quits. The worst part is that when they both get a call, they head to the station at the same time, the calls can last anywhere from 30 min to 6 hours, and I would have no idea when she "should" be home. It could easily be a scenario where they get to the station, they don't go to the scene, released in 30 mins then go spend the next hour or two together then head home, I would have no way of knowing. I don't know if I could trust her in that situation.

So anyway, thinking about it made me upset, so I went and played basketball with son until WW left for class. Then wife doesn't come straight home after class, got home about an 1 1/2 later (says she was practing for a practical exam coming up) and I couldn't help myself, I started telling her that I don't know if I can handle that and I may need D if she stays a FF, and she says that she's going to be really resentful if she has to quit. I told her I can't make her quite but not doing so may make it impossible for me to stay.

As for the A, she says she called him and told him it has to end, that he understood and that they would return to a professional R. I know it's not that easy to break up with someone, she acts like she is done with it, but there are no words or looks of sadness so I know that that process isn't done.

[DDJ]

The waywardness runs real deep coconut, look out for selfish, stubborness and rebelious behaviour.

See if anything triggers her to push away - right now though, you still need to distance yourself.

[Zephyr]

rebuilding trust is not for now...don't even worry yourself over it. you will know in your soul when she is ready to be trusted...she is nowhere near that yet.

this is all very hard, you are doing well. if you need to help find something to get you to sleep I would encourage that. you need to right your ship before you can start moving forward...ok.

g

[sandi2]

Have you tried any OTC products that make you sleepy? Dramamine causes drowsiness.

Has your WW said she wanted to work on the MR, or did just say she would end the A?

As addictive as affairs are, the WW working with her AP may prove to be too challenging.

She has broken your trust. She has to earn back what she broke, and can't expect you to "just trust her". When a spouse has been in an A, and if that spouse is serious about healing the M, then they should be more than willing to follow a transparency plan the faithful spouse presents.

If she has nothing to hide, then you should be free to look at her phone spasmodically, without warning her. You should be able to see all her email. This helps the wayward spouse to walk the line and helps the faithful spouse by seeing no inappropriate texts.
There are other ways to show an accountability, but I won't get into all of that right now.

Unfortunately, she and OM have the perfect cover. They work together, seem to spend a great deal of time in communication, and if you put some type of tracking device in her vehicle, she will claim it's related to work.

The first step in ending an affair is no contact whatsoever. This is absolutely necessary in order to break the addictive pull of the affair. I rather doubt your W is going to leave her job, and I don't if a transfer would be available..........I just know them working together is not a good situation. Breaking off an affair (verbally), and saying they will spring back into professional mode........is unlikely.

Did you see any text of telling OM it was over, or did she just tell you she told him? Which, neither way really means a thing, b/c the accountability will give a more accredited record.

You are faced with making some very difficult decisions. Have you been thinking about your core values, personal boundary line, and the stand you will take? Just let me say this, and please don't think I am pushing you to do anything, I am simply giving you information. Your W is the unfaithful spouse (maybe emotional affair, maybe more). The burden to fix this mess should be on her shoulders. She should be willing to do whatever you need to save this M. She should be the one pleading with you for another chance. She should be the one who is crying over the destruction she has caused. She should be the one pursuing you. If you twist it around where you are doing any of these things that she should do...........you will lose any chance of her wanting to work on the M.

It must feel as if all of that ^^^^ goes against every fiber of your being. It's tough. It's tough love.

Where is she going this weekend?

Take things slowly this weekend. Digest the information you receive. Take care of you.

[cbtdad]

Sandi2,
Sorry I'm not trying to hijack thread but had a quick question about what you wrote above.
When wife and I reconciled a few years ago I felt like I was doing way more of the work even though she was having a an affair a few months before B day. I had put a lot of the blame on myself for who I was before it led to that. Now here we are again and I'm feeling now that something may be going on for a second time less than 3 years later.
Did I put too much work into reconciling things and not let her "own" what she had done?

[Ralph88]

Yes

[DDJ]

I think that she is the one that should be doing the reconciliation. That's the only way that it can work. The LBS lets go of that control and lets them lead.

[CRW]

Wow Coco, I just got caught up on all of this. Really sorry to hear it.

My take, she is using this guy to get what she was missing from you. You have to man up and show her that you are the best guy to get what she needs from. The good news is you are ahead of where most of us are.