oh yes, and if you want to cry, cry, let it out, cry about the M that you're losing, your mutant wife, the trust that is broken. Just don't hold it in.
I tell my S4 that my knee is sore, that's why daddy is crying. He keeps on checking in on me as to whether my knee is feeling better. Too cute.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
I've been at this for 6 weeks now and just learnt the other day that if you do something and you want her to hurt like you, then you're pushing her away. Don't react, don't argue, don't disrespect her either or she will never respect you again.
Grow a new set of balls; her out of the MB is a good start, but it must be her choice to want to leave it. The dynamics will change if you let her make her own decisions.
DDJ, are you saying it must be her choice to leave the MB? Should I tell her tomorrow that I'm staying in the MB, and she can if she wants? I was under the impression that it needed to be my choice and I had to be strong about it.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
It is your choice what you do with your life. It is her choice what she does with hers. By throwing her out, you're just controlling her - where she sleeps. Sometimes you have to face your tiger head-on, to get over the fear.
You might need your WW in your face to really let her go. You may need her out. That is your choice though. Just give her space and you'll get the space to deal too.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Ok, after reading some of Sandis threads, I think I did the right thing, I told her I won't share the MB and she found someplace to sleep. My instinct was to wake her before S gets up to make it less awkward, but I'll let her deal with that.
My questions at this point are: do I lay ground rules, or just disengage and only worry about myself? I know that she'll be communicating with OM since she has to work through that, and quite frankly not doing so would be my #1 ground rule.
I called our boss and Left message that I won't be in for the next two days, does that make me look weak and should I go in anyways to let her see I can handle this? Although with zero sleep tonight, I don't think I can go in today, but will if highly recommended.
Should I be there when talk with S occurs, or just let her do it and then talk with him separately?
The closest person in my life now is my mom, and I really want to turn to her, but her and my S are very close. If I fill her in, I don't know my mom would ever forgive her which would strain future R, should I find someone I'm less comfortable with or just do what I want?
We make about the same money (her about $700 month more with child support figured in) should I still try and separate finances? We make decent money, but high cost of living puts us pretty much paycheck to paycheck.
And just to clarify, I should NOT notify OM S? It seems counter productive to me, but I don't want to make any big mistakes I don't have to.. Luckily I found this website before bomb drop, so I am in a better spot than I would have been a month ago when issues started. I want to take advantage of the fact the EA is at most 2 months old, I'm a month into GAL, have already dropped 15 pounds, and the emotional roller coaster over the last month hardened me enough that I think I'll be able to disengage and stand tall and strong.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
You need some vets in here, I would say that you must do whatever you can to not push her further away. And that does mean giving her space to deal with her stuff.
Don't worry about tomorrow (regarding finances and custody), just focus on today and what you can do for yourself. Leave as many people out of this as you can. You may need your mom, but don't let your WW know. I shot myself in the foot, i really did. But that was yesterday and today's a new day.
You cannot control OM S, so why worry.
Think about it like this - If it's raining outside, do you stay indoors, cry, and not go out, or do you get an umbrella, get out and live your life.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
I am truly sorry that you are experiencing betrayal from your W. I think you handled yourself well, considering everything. I hope you will read the first thread on Help for the LBS who has a WW. Regarding the subject of sleeping arrangements, and considering you have just discovered that your W has been lying and cheating.......I have copied one page of things the LBH should do, or not do, immediately following his discovery.
* Immediately separate the sleeping arrangements, by putting her things out of the master bedroom. No discussions, he just takes her things out of the marital bedroom. Let her figure out where she will sleep. The H's message is he won't sleep with a cheater. The H is not to take the lesser desired room or bed. No moving down to a basement, out in the garage, on the couch, etc. He is not the unfaithful spouse. He should not act as if he is the guilty party, sneaking around to sleep on the couch and keeping it a secret from the kids. It is her problem, let her deal with it.
*Immediately stop all contacting throughout the day. If there are any decisions that need to be made about kids, school, babysitting, pickups, etc,. Tell her to get it straighten out the night before and no texting him about details later. (He is not to explain that he is going NC, etc.) He completely withdraws his part of the texting, emails, and calls unless it is urgent. He is not to use the kids as an excuse to contact her. She needs to feel this loss. He is not being available at her fingertips.
*Immediately stop all the little things he use to do for her as a loving act of service. Taking her coffee, servicing her car, cooking her breakfast, carrying in the groceries for her, washing her clothes, cleaning her messes, etc. If she asks, he should just look at her and say, "Really?" (Now, if she really cannot lift the bags of groceries, he can help, but the point is for him to withdraw volunteering those little things she took for granted).
*Immediately stop engaging in R talks, b/c when he gets sucked into one of these talks......it shows her how badly he wants to hang on to her. The message she should be getting is that he is not interested. Do not even try to initiate small talk. If she initiates small talk at the dinner table or in front of the kids, then he should respond in civil but few words. His talk should be more focused on the kids and perhaps their scheduling for the following day. He is not to reveal details of his GAL plans during any of these conversations, other than saying he will be out. If she asks any questions, he should simply give her that incredulous look that says, "Seriously?"
*Immediately withdraw his physical presence from her as much as possible. He should spend time with his kids, of course, but not alone time with her. He should not engage in usual family events, celebrations, etc. It is better the kids be disappointed for a shorter period of time than a lifetime of hurt.
*Immediately withdraw all physical affection. No hugs, kisses, pats, cuddling, snuggling, or spooning. Remember, she is having an affair. The H is not in competition with OM. He will not score points by giving her affection. Withdrawing affection will be noticed by the WW. What I have noticed from the majority of LBH'S is how it's him that has the problem withdrawing the physical touch. He cries about how hard it is and he misses her closeness. He has to stay really focused, especially when she starts to tempt you sexually. This is entrapment!
*Do not recognize her birthday, Valentines, anniversary, mother's day, or any other holiday by giving her gifts. Are you kidding me? She is cheating! She has said she isn't in love with him and doesn't see a future together, and he wants to set her on a feather pillow and treat her like a princess b/c the calendar and our commercial society has brainwashed us to buy something on those dates?
The H needs to think of what he would have done in a dating relationship where the woman was cheating with another man. Would he chase, plead, serve, constantly text, email, write love letter, send songs, have flowers delivered, and give gifts to anyone who treated him like cr@p? Would he hang out at her place every evening, hoping she might notice how great he is? Would he try to kiss and snuggle with her when she's made it obvious she is interested in another man? Marriage is not dating, but the man-woman dynamics do not change. Why do men turn from being the self confident male he was before M, into a soft- passive-clinging-fearing-doormat? This is so unattractive to all women.......single or married.
*The H should stop paying for anything that enables her to continue her A. Paying for her cell phone, buying gas for her to go "out", paying for her beautification (hair, nails, plastic surgery, spas, etc.). No financing any of her trips, whatsoever. If W has her own income, he should put the savings account in his name (minus whatever amount she may have contributed) and start his own private checking account. The message to her is that the financial security that wa once available for her access has been limited, and could be stopped altogether.
As a result of these actions by the H, the WW experiences loss of the H's availability, his presence, his intimacy, his physical affection, his meaningful conversations/interactions, his attention & closeness, his acts of service, his words of love & affirmation, quality family time, and his financial assistance/support. If he will do all of this together, and if he would do it immediately, she will experience the loss. It doesn't guarantee to end her A. In fact, b/c she feels loss of control, she will play a lot of games to get it back. She wants the security that was provided to her, but she doesn't want to give up the A to have it. That's her selfishness leading.
Men get confused and say, "But isn't this more of the same behavior from me?". IDK, but I know that the difference here is what she wanted back then.....and how she feels now. Your motives and attitudes were different back then, from what they are now. Nothing about this will be more of the same. The dynamics have changed.
The H needs to be extremely strong and confident. He cannot backslide and have sex when she comes on to him (game playing) b/c it will put him back at the start position again. Who wants to go through it again?
How long he remains in this stage of DBing is up to the H. However, he should not end these detached actions and just go back to being as he was before she dropped the bomb. He may not quickly see true evidence of positive results from the loss he has caused her. WW's are very crafty. They will play on every emotion the H holds (guilt being number one). In his desperation to see some "sign", he often falls for her little game of manipulation. Even though she has said she no longer feels anything for him, he will use all her feminine wiles to keep him in her control. Things usually get much worse before they get better, and he will need to stand taller and stronger. It may take a physical separation before she completely faces the full impact of her reality. The H should not fear a separation, nor try to talk her out of it. He should not help her with any of the process in getting set up in a new place for her. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In most cases, the WW will not be 100% truthful in answering her H's question. Even if he has texts and pictures, she will downplay the entire thing and act as if he is being ridiculous. Another common thread that runs through these experiences with WW's is how she will usually tell only part of the truth (when caught) and tell a level down from the complete story. For example if the H finds flirty texts, she may say that they were just playing and it was nothing serious. When in fact, she is engaged in an EA. The H may find sexy pictures and ask her if the A has gone physical, and she will admit to kissing..but say that's as far as they went........when actually, they have went a lot further. I have read posts about WW's spending the night in a hotel with the OM, and convincing the H no sex was involved.
Right now, your W cannot be trusted. You cannot believe what she tells you. I know you want to believe her.......and some men say, "I choose to believe my W", but that sets him up for a lot more deceit and hurt.
Affairs are highly addictive, and dealing with her will be almost like dealing with someone on heroin. Yes, you still love her, but you may have to love her from an emotional distance for a while, in order to turn things around.
I have been in the shoes of a WW. It's not pretty. I even shocked myself, but the thrill fed my courage to push for more. Long story short, I accidentally found my way to the DB forum one day back in 2007..........and some folks helped me to turn around and save my self and my M. My M was saved and we are still together.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, thank you again.. I've now read help for the LBS Ww three times in the last 6 hours... Along with some of your other articles... Your help is so appreciated, it is honestly keeping me from feeling hopeless..
How I would love someone to hold my hand during every interaction with my WW, but I guess to be real it needs to come from me, I need to consider the overall goal and apply it to what actions I take. It may be a lack of sleep, or the previous month emptying my emotional tank, or maybe it seems so unreal that it just hasn't sunk in yet. I will be spending the majority of today reading the rest of the articles, and stop by Barnes and nobles to se if they have the DR/DB books, I read the first chapters of each online yesterday.
I left the house before family woke up, mysterious right, or maybe just avoiding interaction. Anyway, WW just texted me asking where I went.... Really, she lost that priveledge for a long while.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
If you have not already purchased them, I would suggest just getting the Divorce Remedy. I think they are similar, with DR being the more updated.
Quote:
How I would love someone to hold my hand during every interaction with my WW, but I guess to be real it needs to come from me, I need to consider the overall goal and apply it to what actions I take.
A lot of newcomer H's get bogged down in the interaction with the WW. And btw, some of us respond by saying something like, "You shouldn't have done that......yada, yada". And then some are very sweet and encouraging. Just don't take things too personally, b/c everyone has to learn and we are here to help each other.
IMHO, having a mental picture of the kind of man you want be, is your starting line. Knowing your core values, spiritual beliefs, moral standards, etc. Being true to yourself and standing for what you believe to be most important. Knowing things may get worse before they get better, and yet, not compromising with what you know to be right.
Having a plan to maintain a sense of self-management, althougevening MR may look as if it's lost. Doing what is necessary to stay mentally and physically heathy, and filling you life with good things and good people. It will feel like a great effort at time, so you have to search for means to keep yourself inspired. You have to save yourself first. We are your support group.
Fear is your enemy. Do not let it consume you and dictate your actions. You are in charge of your life. You control Coconut. And those times you feel afraid.......go on and do what you need to do, anyway. Do it afraid, but do it.
Btw, when you get Divorce Remedy, MWD suggests you start with chaper ten if your spouse is in an A, and read through to the end of the book..... and then start back at chapter one. It may help to keep your perspective, if you read it in that order.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
