What Should I be Doing?

[Coconut]

Ps, my love language is physical touch, so not getting any touch at all combined with everything else had a lot to do with my insecurities...

I have done a lot of 180's, I've lost about 15 pounds and am feeling good physically... She is hardly ever home to see what I'm doing, and it's hard not getting her support to keep improving, but I know I gotta get passed wanting her to notice and just do it for my own well being... Going to the gym or bike riding is when I feel my best, clear headed and even a little happy and very proud of myself, just wish I could get passed wanting her recognition.

[Stormchaser]

Yeah, I did somethings right, even if they weren't recognized, I.e. Spending 6 hours working on sprinklers while W sat on couch checking Facebook and then getting upset that I didn't want to go to a friends outing because I was tired from all the work... My biggest problem was that I hadn't read the. 5 love languages, if I had done that before, I believe our issues wouldn't be issues, but none the less, I wonder how to speed up whatever outcome is coming!

First of all, she could probably care less if you worked on the sprinklers. Hey, I replaced the radiator in my car, it took me 8 hours. Should she come out and hug me and tell me I'm the greatest? Of course not - it's not important to her. Now, do you see what WAS important to her? Going to the friends outing. THAT'S what is important - and by you blowing it off, doesn't help your case. Trust me - I've been there. I would mow the yard, fix the fence and all that other stuff, but when she wanted to go see a live band that night, I pulled the "I'm tired" card. That only helped add to our growing distance. Now, I don't give a crap HOW tired I am, if she wants to go out and spend quality time together, I go. Period.

We've all wanted to fast forward to see the outcome. Sorry, but life doesn't have a FF button. This is something I would say all the time - "I wish I could FF a year". Well, I'm 3 months in and I'm kinda glad I didn't FF - without it, I wouldn't have been able to make the repairs required to make the M work.

[Dawgs]

Sounds like your head is on straight, coconut. What you are feeling in wanting her recognition is normal - after all, she is your wife. That's a normal feeling - I wanted the same, and to some extent still do even we will be divorced soon. Ugh.

I have a concern that others on your thread aren't expressing. Even a lot of those texts are "group", that's an awful lot. As someone said, if she isn't in an EA she's a breath away. I would suggest that line has already been crossed. Seen it too many times on here and in my own W. and staying out to 0130? Do you believe her on what she was doing? Remember the adage on here - believe nothing of what they say...

Sorry to sound so hard, but I've seen the same thing but didn't want to believe that she'd have an affair. I believed every little lie because I was too scared to think otherwise...

[Coconut]

Some thoughts I had on the way to work:

When I back off I feel like she keeps her guard up waiting for the next time I pressure her. The more I pressure her the longer she keeps her guard up waiting for the next time. If I don't stop, she'll never drop her guard and connect with me.

when I feel like I need her to do something for me, I need to get out & do something for myself instead.

I went back and read some of my posts from yesterday, and I want to clarify a little of what I wrote, I got drunk yesterday and wasn't level headed:
First, when I said I met someone in my GAL activities, I made it seem like we were flirting a little or something. I went to play volleyball and there was a lady on my team that I was having casual conversation and joking with. Nothing and I mean nothing happened, it was just that for the first time in 8 years I looked at somebody else and wondered what it would be like to date them. I was more asking if I should make the effort to be friends with her, but I can see that I'm going to have to limit myself to same sex friends for now..

Second, I think I'm using having kids as an excuse to justify my wanting to fix it or end it NOW. I am starting to understand the importance of patience, and understanding that it may or may not work out (I'm pretty sure it will if I can back off for a bit and take care of me), but the only answer that can be found out fast is that its not going to work out. Although I always planned on having kids, my life will not be ruined or empty by not having any of my own, I love my son to death and he more than fills that role for me..

I'd like to thank everyone for their words of encouragement, understanding, and 2x4's. I definitely can appreciate having this site as an outlet for my emotions, it makes it so much easier not to talk to my wife about everything. Counseling also helps me get it out, but that's not frequent enough..

ps - I wrote that letter a day or two after D-day, I wasn't sure if I wanted to give it to her, but it helped me to write it and I won't share it with her.

[Coconut]

Jeep, I'm sorry to hear about the pending D, I hope you've been able to find what makes you happy and that is helping you deal with the sitch.

I fully believe she is not having an EA, or at least that she doesn't realize she is. But at this point, I've talked to her about it 3 or 4 times, I can't keep asking because it will upset and pressure her, and there's not anything I can do about it at this point. Honestly, if I keep working on me, I will be handle the news better later than now. I'm feeling better about myself than I have for the last few years, and I look forward to putting in the work to really improve..

It all seems so easy when your level headed and your not thinking about the issues, hopefully I can find the strength to do the things I need to do when I'm hurting.

[Dawgs]

Thanks, Coconut. This has been a long, hard road. Over a year now. I did everything I possibly - and some things I shouldn't. I learned, that for some such as my with her issues, that many of the DB techniques are counter productive and actually do the opposite of what they intend. Unfortunately, my W is so damaged that no matter what I do it doesn't matter - she's done and as her self defense issues developed from her abusive childhood, she packaged her feelings up in a little box and put it somewhere behind those walls. I'm having a rough time, and as the divorce process is picking up steam it's just getting tougher.

I also asked mine several times about her EA (which went PA) and she denied it, too. Hopefully yours isn't, and if she is then any suspicion will send her underground. She will trip up - they always do.

Something struck me about your thinking about the volleyball chick. If you were wondering about what it'd be like dating her, then that is a flag that needs to be examined - not her, mind you, but your own feelings. To me that suggests that something isn't right. Just my two cents...

[LandC]

Hi coconut,
I have read many of your posts, not all, but enough to know that we have a lot in common.
The problem with you being the one who is always reaching out, touching etc, is that, I could be wrong, but often it comes from the inner insecurity vs. real giving. The other big thing is that it never gives the other person a chance or the space to come TOWARDS you. I experienced this a lot with my first husband.
I found it very helpful in past weeks to learn about attachment theory. Check it out. Unless I am totally wrong, you and I both have the anxious/preoccupied style and are often attracted to the avoidant types. Here is a link to get you started,

There is a lot of info on the web if you think this may be helpful. It is hard for those of us who are touchy/feely types to imagine not wanting to be hugged.
This is one thing that MWD talks about in DR book - what works for us may not be what works for them.
The sad part of my sitch/ and the gift, is admitting and really looking at my own codependent behaviors that are just NOT helpful and push the S away.
Hope this helps.
Gotta get to work.
Be gentle with yourself.

[Coconut]

LandC, I think you nailed my personality. I have a lot of reading to do tonight, I think I'm gonna walk over to a local park today and spend some time reading. i'll just tell the wife I'm heading out, and if pressed that I'm going to spend time at the park (but not about the reading material).

recap of the day so far..
I woke up W this morning after not seeing her at all yesterday, and I felt guilty for worrying her yesterday, so I apologized for taking off and not answering her right away when she text'd that she was worried about me... I then told her that I knew I text'd her and said I would like to talk about her wants, but that after clearing my head yesterday I no longer needed that talk, we could if she wanted, but that I can wait until she is ready to discuss. She seemed to appreciate me backing off of that.

then at work, she came to my office about some work stuff, she told me that she had called my counselor and the only appointments she could get this week interfered with her Karate class or with her leaving town to visit her friend for b-day. She said that she guessed she would schedule the appointment and wait to go on trip until after the appointment (about 3 hrs later than she wanted and it's a 4 hour drive). I told her that I appreciate her wanting to go to counseling with me, and that she could make the appointment for next week because I didn't want it to interfere with her schedule / plans. She was pleasantly surprised because she knows how bad I have been wanting her to go to counseling so we can start to fix things, but she didn't know that I have switched focus to me for now so I can be better, but I think I got brownie points for that.

[Coconut]

HELP, just confirmed A, wife says not physical but I don't know. I posted texts on Facebook and tagged her, she wants me to take it down, should I?

[DDJ]

Also, don't start a new thread until you reach 100 posts.