Well, I got a cold dose of reality about how cyclical things are going through a separation. Last week everything was so positive. We went to MC. She seemed on board. I was ready to conquer the world and win back my wife. A few days later she found out I had quit taking my meds (zoloft). She got mad and said I'm going back to my old ways and she's not going back to MC. Well last night I apologized profusely, and told her I would get back on my meds (I am - I made the Dr's appt this morning to get my refill) and she agreed (albeit begrudgingly) to go back to MC, but her reasoning was no matter what happens we still have to raise our D.
I know I should be grateful she is willing to go back. But things just don't feel promising right now. I don't know what to do to get them back to that point. Is there anything I can do? Is this something she's going to have to work through?
M:36 W:31 D:12 M: 8/9/10 ILYBNILWY/"want space": 2/14-ish/16 W moved out 5/24/16.
As tough as it is, you have to change your thinking about just about everything. Remember, you can't make her do anything. So, be your best, because that is all you have control over. If staying on the meds helps you be your best, then keep that Dr. appt. and fill the prescription and take the meds. When you talk to your W about these things rather that apologize profusely, which is unattractive and also makes you feel bad, you could instead say - "I agree with you. I have already scheduled an appt. to get the prescription refilled."
Focus on these little things rather that the big picture. The little things are what make the big picture better, not the other way around.
Thanks for your help tjcran. I hopped over into your thread and saw that you're going through your own personal hell. Thank you for taking the time to reply to mine.
I'm so scared. I feel so alone. I'm not sure I know how to GAL. My whole life for the past 5 years has revolved around her. Heck, I can't even come to work to get away from it, because we met as a result of my job. Thank God for this forum or else I would have no one to talk to about it. No one in my family or hers knows what's going on, none of my friends know and only 2 co-workers do. Mainly cause they saw me sitting at my desk sobbing so they asked and I spilled my guts. It felt good to get it off my chest, but they couldn't offer more than the obligatory, "i'm sorry you're going through that, let me know if you need anything..." canned response. One of them is divorced himself, but effectively he was the WAS.
Everywhere I look, everywhere I turn is reminder of her. The wallpaper on my phone, her initial tattooed on my ring finger and our bible verse on my wrist, the pictures at home, the cups we've accumulated on our vacations, everything is a reminder. I can't escape it.
I picture a life without her and I all picture is a life of emptiness and loneliness. It scares me. It just seems useless. Like a life not worth living.
I don't know what to do.
M:36 W:31 D:12 M: 8/9/10 ILYBNILWY/"want space": 2/14-ish/16 W moved out 5/24/16.
collin - at least you can take comfort in knowing that you aren't alone. I know that I get a lot of comfort here knowing that. Fortunately I found that the two people I've unburdened on through work are hugely supportive and willing to listen. It helps because otherwise I would be screaming in pain alone.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I agree with tjcran, get the meds and take them. Meds made a huge difference for me.
With regard to MC, I think many people over-value MC. I know I did. My wife gave me a choice between getting a lawyer or an MC. I chose the MC, of course. My wife suggested MC, but did she want MC for the marriage? Hell no! She wanted MC so that I could be fixed. As soon as it was clear that we'd both have to do some fixing, then it went downhill. My wife bailed after the third session.
If your wife isn't totally on-board with MC, then it's probably best to back-off the MC stuff. I could be wrong; get some other input, but be careful with MC, it can go wrong very quickly.
The first thing you do is take a deep breath. Second thing you do is answer the question: who am I doing this for? If the answer is my W, then she is right and its only a matter of time before you go back to your old ways and odds are the M will end up the same way again. If the answer is you, then you won't just go back to your old ways (you wouldn't have to apologize to her)and the M has the best chance of working. Third thing you do is get out and do something you find rewarding. Something that YOU really enjoy. This whole DB process isn't about your W or getting your M back. It's about getting YOU back to being the best YOU that you can be after arguably the most painful event in your entire life. It's very selfish in that way, your W presumably no longer meets your needs. So you have to meet them for yourself, independent of her;I mean you don't have to, but then who are you really helping if you don't? NOBODY. Not you, not her and not your D.
Everything people are posting here is good advice - focus on you, take a deep breath, you are not alone. I'm guessing the spot you are in right now is where you can't even think straight since you are obsessing over your W and losing her. We've all been there or are there right now. Here are a couple suggestions that might help. (remember, I'm an amateur, so take it all with a grain of salt.)
First - find someone to talk to. Take a few minutes and really think about all the people you could talk to about this. Choose someone that you think would listen and would respect your privacy. Call them and ask them if you could buy them a cup of coffee. You would be surprised at how many people would be willing to listen and offer support. More people like and love you than you think. I found a friend that I NEVER would have expected would have been as helpful as he has been.
Second, think of one thing that you stopped doing over the last 5 years. Maybe it was a hobby, maybe it was a form of exercise, maybe it was a friend you lost touch with. Even if it seems like you don't want to do that hobby anymore or you don't like that old friend anymore call them anyway or start the hobby again. Why? Because nothing sounds appealing right now - all you WANT is your W back. What you NEED is your life back. Call that friend or start that hobby ASAP.
Final thought for now. MC right now might be something to reconsider. When a spouse attends MC for the wrong reasons it doesn't go well. Usually backfires. If her true motivation for going to MC is anything but she wants to fix the MR no matter whose fault it is, then you may wish to put the MC on hold until she is in the right state of mind.
