Feeling lost 2

[Accuray]

didn't feel I paid her enough attention, she said she just wanted me to grab her ass or something!

Don't fall for that. She's equally responsible for the relationship you had. She could have grabbed your ass, or made it clear to you that's what she wanted, but she didn't. Don't let her revise history and second guess yourself. Don't let her make you jump through hoops like a trained poodle.

The outlook you need to have is "what does SHE need to do to get the privilege of spending time with you?" That's the position of power you want to operate from. Your life is awesome, why should she get to share it?

Acc

[srt]

yep I suppose you are right.
I'm treading a careful line at the moment between being assertive and NOT being accused of being awkward.

difficult, since her family's meddling has resulted in similar accusations before.

Finally got legal advice today, which has given me some comfort. Hopefully will get a result on access soon which at least will make my current sitch more bearable.

In other news GAL is going well - good weather helps immensely, but can also catch you unawares - how do other members cope with thoughts about how things would or should be with W when it's triggered by a random thing?

Thanks for the encouragement as well folks, you have no idea how heartening it is to hear the words of wisdom and support shared on here.

[srt]

Feel like I need to update this but some of the things I was thinking about in the last few days escape me.

W still cycling between being distant and "friendly", I'm still not instigating contact about anything - not sure if I should change this, somehow don't get the feeling she really wants any interaction.

Going back to counselling this week to get more access to kids, looking for 50/50 and will be putting strong fight against anything less.

Getting kids organised for my brothers wedding in the summer, W I think wants to be "around" at this event to see kids. Personally don't understand why she would want to be near my family after what she has done?

Also W asking if I can have kids overnight and then take them to my parents in a few weeks since she has work commitments, again I'm inclined to say sorry but can't help. She has shown no consideration for my feelings through this, and has made no attempt to resolve any of "our" issues, so why should I let her cake ear on this one!

W has birthday this week too. She has been showing signs of MLC over last year or 2 so it will be interesting to see what this is like. Kids and I went and got some small presents yesterday for them to give her, and we are making big 35th Birthday cards! I'm simply going to wish her a happy birthday when I see her this week.

Finally, as I've mentioned before W wants no settlement from me, does not want house, any money, and does not even accept maintenance for kids. This has made no sense to anyone I talk to about it - could it be guilt, or is it her trying to gain/show her independence?

Got the feeling she is slipping away again, she usually asks if I have shirts to iron and takes them, last meet she saw they were there but did not take them, I said nothing
The detaching is going better now I think too, but I must try hard to ensure I'm not coming over as cold or not caring. Still want the rollercoaster to stop but I know I'm not driving, getting a better idea of what Accuray is suggesting - what SHE has to do to win me back.

I do know she will probably suggest she can share a house, as friends, for the sake of the children. This is a no-go for me, BUT, I want to know what it suggests, still in the fog? not "done"? cake-eating? MLC?

Sometimes think it's my luck I picked a nutter!!!

[srt]

checking in again.

Think I am well and truly detached now, finding it hard to think of reasons to remain in M. W has treated me v badly, went in a rage at counselling, and then behaved like a teenager for rest of session. Not sure if she realises the reality of what a D is like.

For me I have been GAL as much as poss, nice weather here so making it easier. Time with kids has been great, hopefully increasing again soon.

Starting to feel excited about life again, have realised how unhappy W's family made me, constant interfering, sniping and controlling our schedule. Don't miss that one bit.
Excited also about possibility of a new relationship, none of the old "baggage". I know I'm not ready by any means, but it does give me some comfort that I'm gonna not only survive this but come out the other side one hell of a lot stronger.

[srt]

struggling with the point of all this now.

I've DB'd for me, made some gains, but it seems to be two steps forward and one step back.

I know our issues can be easily worked on and solved, and I know my part in this, but she is unwilling to accept the circumstances which caused all this, or work on the M at all.

I feel like giving up but I know that is not an option.

W has major communication issues and seems happy to bury her head in a mixture of work, facebook, and doing "family stuff" with her M&F. She is oblivious to the effect of this on her children, and is annoyed by how calm and collected I am.

I've been working on tough love principle, and trying to show her exactly what a D looks like.

TBH I am still unsure what her actual problem is, after the resentment she has for me. AFAIW the is no OP, unsure if W is WAW or wayward. I and many of my friends think she is in MLC, but this may have been brewing for 4 years now???

FOO issues galore, MIL v enmeshed, and FIL controlling. Result is W feels like a little girl around them and is happy to jump to their tune - I was not.

W family aware of issues prior to DB day but did nothing - no suggestion of counselling??? Instead happy to support her ripping family apart!

W was giving all signs of being in an affair, and when confronted upon the problem took every opportunity to deny or play down the situation.

After DB she said she had "bottled it all up" and was "done".

I feel like no option but to get legally sorted with division of assets now, before things sour. MC has said we are now at the point where we cannot salvage things - I wonder how she can know this - I know I'm still willing to work on it and certain that if we put in the effort it can be saved. W knows this and has made no effort to do so.

How long do I wait for her?
How can I tell if she is in MLC?
Is pursuing legal division of assets pushing her towards a D?
Is tough love backfiring on me?
Should I change my strategy?

So many questions, please help me out folks, even if only a reply of support.
This week has been one of the toughest in the last 10 months.

[srt]

is anyone out there following my thread?

I'd really appreciate any advice or replies you can give

[doodler]

srt,

Do you love your wife?

[srt]

Hi,

MC counsellor tried to tell me that I "used" to love my W - not sur ehow she can say this though without an indepth discussion?
I still have strong feelings for her, care about her and feel attracted to her. I still want to work this out, yet I know how serious the situation is now.

So in that respect yes I do still love her, but equally I can see how much she has hurt me.

Why do you ask?

[doodler]

So in that respect yes I do still love her, but equally I can see how much she has hurt me.

Why do you ask?

srt,

It's hard for me to put my finger on it, but there's something different about your post relative to the typical LBS post. I'm under a time constraint right now so I'll be brief, but I don't know if I'll be able to capture the essence of what I'd like to say.

It seems to me that most LBS take on much of the blame for the state of their marriage even though their spouses are cheating on them. You, on the other hand, are blaming your wife and her family and others to a greater extent than I'd expect.

I'll have to put more thought into it and expand on it this weekend. For some reason you or your situation seems different from the norm so you're harder to help because it's difficult to relate to you.

I'm not trying to be mean, I'm trying to be honest and helpful. I don't have any recommendations other than IC right now.

I'll give it more thought and see if I can better explain myself later this weekend.

[srt]

Hi, I've been through all the emotions and blame for myself, and believe me I did blame myself to begin with. I've also worked on myself and being the best dad and person I can be.

I really do now think I've transformed, after all this is now nearly 10 months since bd.

I think I've came to terms with the way I was reacting to her crisis, and now honestly don't think I'd have been able to do much different. Maybe I'm moving on subconsciously, but I know atm I still want her back.