Wife files D after I confronted her 2nd EA (4)

[doodler]

CWOL,

With regard to your last statement, "I just hope she sees the light soon!" I find myself wrestling with the issue of wondering if I really want my wife back. I don't like that; I don't like that I'm thinking that way, but after all of the pain and heartache she's caused for my family, I'm not sure that I could do it again.

Do you ever have those thoughts, or are steadfast on reconciliation?

Not long ago I would've welcomed her back with open arms, but now I see that I wasn't an awful husband and she's a by-golly WW and I don't like what I see. I don't know what to think.

[DDJ]

One of the quotes from the boundaries book, goes along the lines that "forgiveness does not necessarily also include reconciliation".

[CWOL]

Doodler,

For the most part I have been steadfast on reconciliation. There were some moments when I really got angry with her actions, i.e. legal tactics, her secrecy and betrayal of me, etc. However, I don't believe her EA has developed further into PA and my hope is that we can piece back together our family together again. I am not sure how possible it is at this point as I am seeing her actions as retribution for the exposure to her friends and my "abuse" in our relationship. One of her friends (who supports our marriage) did succeed in talking to her (she planned a surprise visit to talk to her, even though WW kept pushing her off). She felt that WW has kept everything bottled up and is very angry. She is particularly upset about the "snooping" and going through her stuff (how I found out about the secret second phone and the D planning). Her friend told her though that she shouldn't be angry, because what I did was completely understandable and justified. After all, it was the second time she betrayed me!

I think once we separated, her anger should die down. However, I feel WW pushed herself to this ledge of D, and it might be very hard for her to back down from it. She has done it once before though, when she escaped to her parents' house 17 years ago. Now the stakes are much higher with S11 in the picture.

[doodler]

CWOL,

Wow, that friend is a true friend of the marriage! That is so awesome to hear. I hope your wife does come around; it sounds like there's a good chance of reconciliation. Good for you!

I know I'm eternally grateful for the people that have supported me through all of this.

[CWOL]

Doodler,

I am hoping that is the case, but her actions over the past three months have really been going the opposite way! I think she feels that once she embarked on the D road, she needs to "move forward" (her words). I have read from others that it may take a month for them to wear out the initial burst of "freedom" when they leave, then to realize the gravity of what's going on. But in the meantime, the D is steamrolling along.

My L has filed for a trial setting so it will take a long time in our state, which is backlogged with months of D's in the queue. In the meantime we've already burned a lot of cash for legal fees, enough for a small car! I'm depressed just thinking about this.

Yes, for me the Exposure was actually useful because most of our mutual friends that I have talked to are supporting our marriage. There were a few Enablers in there who said "I am taking WW's side" but they are the minority.

[Accuray]

Hey CWOL,

Regarding telling the kids, I understand the exposure perspective as well. I was just sharing a data point I got from a therapist I trust, and in my case it has worked well. I'm not saying that's "the right way" or "the only way to do it", just sharing. Take that and everything else I say with the appropriate grain of salt.

"Telling your son the truth" is a tough one for me however. Truth telling and safeguarding feelings always need to be balanced. It's the "do these jeans make my ass look fat" dilemma. You don't want to lie, but the truth isn't going to help anyone either.

The other risk, of course, is telling your children that the other spouse wants a divorce, which implies this is their fault, and they then explain to the kids *why* they want a divorce because of everything *you* did and then the kids are caught firmly in the middle.

I am also familiar with "the other site" you refer to, and did telephone coaching from that site as well. After weighing all the arguments on both sides I came out against exposure, but that's a personal decision of course.

In terms of your situation and your wife's anger, you have pitted yourself as her adversary. She wants to separate, and you have been steadfast for reconciliation.

Do you see how that pits you as someone who is telling her "no", setting yourself up as someone she needs to get away from?

A WAS will not stop running until the LBS stops chasing.

In this case you may need to use some "relationship Judo" and lean into it. Enthusiastically embrace the separation. Help her move her stuff out. Act like its the best idea she ever had.

What do you think she would think if you did that?

If she felt you were on board with her decision, how would that impact her feelings of guilt?

How would that impact her feelings of resentment?

How does it feel when someone gives you what you want graciously?

Acc

[Accuray]

Hey CWOL,

Regarding telling the kids, I understand the exposure perspective as well. I was just sharing a data point I got from a therapist I trust, and in my case it has worked well. I'm not saying that's "the right way" or "the only way to do it", just sharing. Take that and everything else I say with the appropriate grain of salt.

"Telling your son the truth" is a tough one for me however. Truth telling and safeguarding feelings always need to be balanced. It's the "do these jeans make my ass look fat" dilemma. You don't want to lie, but the truth isn't going to help anyone either.

The other risk, of course, is telling your children that the other spouse wants a divorce, which implies this is their fault, and they then explain to the kids *why* they want a divorce because of everything *you* did and then the kids are caught firmly in the middle.

I am also familiar with "the other site" you refer to, and did telephone coaching from that site as well. After weighing all the arguments on both sides I came out against exposure, but that's a personal decision of course.

In terms of your situation and your wife's anger, you have pitted yourself as her adversary. She wants to separate, and you have been steadfast for reconciliation.

Do you see how that pits you as someone who is telling her "no", setting yourself up as someone she needs to get away from?

A WAS will not stop running until the LBS stops chasing.

In this case you may need to use some "relationship Judo" and lean into it. Enthusiastically embrace the separation. Help her move her stuff out. Act like its the best idea she ever had.

What do you think she would think if you did that?

If she felt you were on board with her decision, how would that impact her feelings of guilt?

How would that impact her feelings of resentment?

How does it feel when someone gives you what you want graciously?

Acc

[CWOL]

In terms of your situation and your wife's anger, you have pitted yourself as her adversary. She wants to separate, and you have been steadfast for reconciliation.

Do you see how that pits you as someone who is telling her "no", setting yourself up as someone she needs to get away from?

A WAS will not stop running until the LBS stops chasing.

In this case you may need to use some "relationship Judo" and lean into it. Enthusiastically embrace the separation. Help her move her stuff out. Act like its the best idea she ever had.

What do you think she would think if you did that?

If she felt you were on board with her decision, how would that impact her feelings of guilt?

How would that impact her feelings of resentment?

How does it feel when someone gives you what you want graciously?

Acc

Accuray,

Yes, I know exactly what you are talking about. I was following the advice of the "other site" to the T but it was NOT working. Nicing my wife had the reverse effect. When I did nice things or things she complained I wasn't doing before, she said I was being "fake." The more I tried, the more upset she was.

When I reported that to that forum, however, the people there blasted my efforts and said that I wasn't doing it right, or enough. Only one person actually told me I should let her go, because she's living in this fantasy and the fog is not going to lift unless she leaves. So then I found this forum and it says exactly the opposite. I have since adopted the DB methodology and tried as much to detach myself as possible. Instead of working against her I gave her money to help her move out. But her L's maneuvers prevented that from happening for two months, so it wasn't until last weekend that she was finally out.

It's actually a lot easier said than done, though. Even though I was encouraging her to move out, I'm not sure how "eager" I may have seemed. Deep inside I was still angry and sad about it, but I was playing "as if" the whole time. I asked her cheerfully after I gave her the temporary separation funds when she was going to move out. She did it over the course of a week, slowly loading her stuff into her car and doing it all by herself.

So now I've had very limited contact with her since she left, I can really put the DB process to the test. I've only been reacting to her contacts and so far it's very limited. We will see how this works out...

[Accuray]

I just want to say that I'm very sorry for what you're going through and it [censored]. I wish I could take that pain away from everyone here. I can promise you that it's temporary and happiness awaits, but the journey is a long one.

[CWOL]

I just want to say that I'm very sorry for what you're going through and it [censored]. I wish I could take that pain away from everyone here. I can promise you that it's temporary and happiness awaits, but the journey is a long one.

Thanks. It does $uck greatly.
I am still shocked, even six months after D-Day, at how fast my WW changed. From being a solid, loving family, to breaking it apart to pieces. It was like I flipped a switch, and my best friend became my worst enemy, stabbing me in the back.
I am trying to put the focus on myself and my S11, but it is very tough to remove myself from the situation that I have to deal with constantly. It doesn't help that she's taking half my paycheck every two weeks and allowing me to see S11 only half the time.