Well - this morning was a bit tough but I think a good one. When my W got up from her separate room I said good morning - without the usual endearments. Over the short time we sat together at breakfast we talked about the usual sort of things that organize people's days. She asked about a new job that I was just about to get (passed the second interview and was just waiting for the offer to be finalized) and looked rather shocked when I said that I backed out because I had more important things to deal with.
She has always asked me to tell her that I loved her and give her a hug when I leave for work. We would always tell each other when we would be back home. This morning I quietly went out on my own and as I was starting my car I saw that she had come downstairs and was staring at me out the door.
I'm starting to feel a bit better. I'm working on GAL and giving her space to do the same. I was thinking this morning as I was driving in that in some ways there is an analogy in my life to this process. As a hobby I used to build small sailboats and I also do some handy-man type carpentry. I would always joke with her that the hardest part of any job for me was waiting and letting the glue dry.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Time for an update I think. It's been a rough week in many ways while the W and I have largely been avoiding each other. My GAL plan has been coming along but I definitely struggle. At work they've noticed how depressed and stressed that I am and I had a very awkward situation with one of our VPs who went on about how good I looked with my new haircut and weight loss (15 lbs in 8 days) He was bubbling along asking if it was for healthy reasons and when I said no and that I didn't want to talk about it he realized what a faux pas had just happened and looked at me sadly. I suspect the entire company knows now that something is wrong with me. My performance is still up to par though I feel although I perhaps spend too much time here on this forum and reading other articles. I have a copy of the DB book which is on my reading pile for this weekend but I don't know if it is the right book or if I'm just too late. I bought it in part to support the efforts of this fabulous site and the team that run it. My budget doesn't quite run to getting the services that they offer and again I don't know what I could do now anyway.
Last night the WAW and I had a talk which I think got to the heart of many of the matters. I had started by telling her that I freely gave her forgiveness for the A. I needed to do that for myself so that first I wasn't dragging that along with me and I also wanted to free her from having to ask for forgiveness. Forgiveness is a gift, not a purchase. Even though I'm sure I'm lying to myself I don't truly believe that she is a WW at heart and I also suspect that the A is either over or coming to an end. To be perfectly honest - I don't really care one way or the other. This isn't about the OM or the A, it's about me, her and us.
She still won't tell me why she is leaving but I did get some clues that it's not all about me. She talked vaguely and peripherally about some of the issues she has in her own personality such as a minor case of hoarding (magazines and such mostly) as well as her perception of her poor care of our house (it has been pretty bad at times). She seems open now to seeing an IC and has gotten some references already from friends. I'm glad that I never pushed this even though I personally believe that it would be very helpful for her to talk to a professional. It seems that a lot of her friends are in therapy as well. She did also mention that some of her friends have given her what she thought was bad advise and that she wasn't listening to them any more. I asked that she treat me gently in talking to her friends and she said that she was trying to. I told her about the IC that I had just seen but did mention that she (the IC) had already heard the story from my side so perhaps that might not be the IC she wants - or perhaps it is. It is her decision. Fortunately my benefits plan covers a part of the sessions up to a fairly small maximum.
One big thing that struck me about our talk is that unusually she looked straight at me in a way that in all these years she never has. I told her that I didn't want her to go but that I wouldn't stand in her way and that I would continue to hope for her to come back and make us a family again. She's told me that at this point she wants a separation but not a divorce and that she wants her own space away from our house and me to be able to think. One thing that came out that surprised me is that she felt co-dependent as well. I've never really felt that she was hugely supportive but now that I think back she has always taken the effort to take an interest in whatever is my current passion be it boats or bow ties. She said that she is writing down her thoughts and trying to figure them out and that she would share them with me when she was ready. Despite the strong temptation - I'm not going to go snooping.
We will be telling D24 and S22 about the separation in the near future. S22 wants to come home for Mother's Day and W said she would pick him up and tell him what was happening but very likely not mentioning the A. Since we are in separate rooms it can't be a secret there. D24 is on vacation with her husband and there truly is no rush and we'll wait at least until she gets back. This weekend there is a family lunch for W parent's anniversary. I had previously asked to go but she has now directly requested that I not even though I mentioned that would raise questions. Her family will often lie about those sort of questions though and I've seen her do it herself so I expect that the message will be that I had other plans. But perhaps not. I have a difficult choice because in a few weeks there is a baby shower on my side where the men will stand in the shed while the women do the baby stuff. I'm trying to decide if I will ask her not to go. One of my conflicts is that I'm sure she bought the shower gift with the OM while having a bit of a fling with him a few weeks ago just before I discovered the A. I'm trying not to care about that part. She's also told a few good friends and her boss that she's leaving which explains why I had an awkward moment with him the other day when we exchanged the usual "how are you" greetings. The cat is slowly being let out of the bag. I've only told people who are not part of our community. I've found that being able to share with them and on this forum has been a vital release for me.
I'm sure any lawyer would cringe at this but I've now sat down and went through our finances. We've always had joint finances although W has her own chequing account that she had used for "mad money" and I've always been completely open about everything. I did up a budget showing all the bills that keep our family going, picked the ones that were either joint for the household or mine alone and put them under my column, and have left her column blank to figure out on her own except for things like her car payment etc. I've told her that as far as I was concerned we were still a family and that her moving out didn't change that and that we would face any expenses as a family. I carefully didn't use the word couple. Originally I filled the numbers in for her, but that's more co-dependency and I need to stop that. The numbers show that it can be done, but it will turn what would have been one of our best financial years ever into one where we will barely scrape by. Part of the reason I also did this was to demonstrate that she "can" go on her own as I really don't want to pay 1/3 my salary in alimony forever which is how the law reads. W mentioned that she had read about what she was entitled to but then quickly said that she would probably accept less. Not the best negotiating tactic but certainly leaves the door open to an equitable settlement that would allow me to move on completely independently.
My own first session last week with an IC was odd but not too surprising. When I first reached out to her I was in full panic mode. Prior to the appointment I had sent her a long email outlining my story in part so that I could have a release but also to give her a chance to know the background and be able to start helping right away. Well, there were some mix-ups in scheduling and she never bothered to read my letter first - which is certainly her right as a professional. She got the co-dependency thing right off and then focused on my drinking (which I still don't think was a core issue). She bluntly told me to give up on the marriage and to move on. I don't know if that was "tough love" or if it was just routine off-the-cuff "diagnosis". I do think that I got the message across that I'm lost, scared and wanting to save my marriage. She (like every other piece of good advice I've had) emphasized the importance of GAL. Personally I don't think she actually liked me much in part because of the mix-up on the schedule (I called her at the appointment time when she wasn't there and she had thought it was an hour later) as well as a comment that I made that I felt that in our rural area that a cheating woman was looked down on more than a cheating man. Hey - I don't make reality, I just try to live in it. I have a second appointment next week and we'll see if I get any actual help or not. I also don't want to use up all the available benefits in case my W goes to an IC.
One last thing. Last night after our talk I was quietly sobbing in the kitchen - I know - not very manly and I don't think she heard me. This morning I got up early so that my W could get access to the MBR to get ready for work and started my own breakfast which is pretty typical anyway for a Saturday morning. While she didn't ask me to "join" her for breakfast she did say that I didn't have to leave. I shook my head and said that I wasn't up to that today and she looked at me quite sadly. I then was in and out to start my pot of tea and then was able to have my breakfast alone while she showered and dressed. It appears that she does still have a heart even if a large part of it is hardened.
Anyway - thank you everyone who read this far. I believe that I will heal but the wounds are still very raw. Today I'm going to do things that I want to do. I'm going to buy myself some flowers for my dresser - not the sort I always got her, but the sort I used to get for myself (two red roses). I'm going to cut the grass, weed the flower beds and do my laundry and ironing. BTW - For those doubters, ironing is a truly manly occupation up there with welding. You have to do your setup properly, take care of your tools and try not to burn your willie off if the tool slips. Afterwards I'll have a sit with a good book and a couple of really big glasses of water. There's beer in the fridge if I want it - but I don't think I want it today.
I hope all of you also have a great GAL day too.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Read the book, it is not too late. It ends when you say it ends.
I would just stop with the relationship talk... I know it is hard. Focus on that GAL. Is there anything you can do with a group? I think group GAL is the best. It takes your mind off of everything.
I would start thinking about what you want to make better about yourself. I identified things that I could work on so no matter what I will be a better me at the end of this. I think it is working!
Thanks pinn. I'm rather an introvert so group GAL isn't really my thing. It was actually her (sort of) that started the relationship talk last night - I listened - and my actions had an unexpected result.
My W hates being pressured into anything so it seems that when I went through and laid everything out on how we would handle our finances separately and sent her an email, she got it at work and then realized (I think) that things were moving beyond her control and that she had made a big mistake in giving me something that I could act on.
So - when she came home from work I was working in the garden (part of my GAL) and she came up to me trembling and said that she had a horrible day. I gave her the first hug we've had since BD and she sobbed that she was very sorry for everything. We sat in the garden and talked a bit more and I told her that I believed in her and that she was capable of surviving on her own if that was what she wanted. I did also say that if that wasn't what she wanted then I would give her whatever time she needed to make up her mind.
A bit later she came to me and told me that I "could" go to her family function if I wanted to and I said that yes I did - but now it gets a bit weird. She then told me that she needed to go away today and think and that she would meet me at the function. I suggested we meet away from the function so that we could arrive together and still keep our issues to ourselves and not get her family curious and asking questions that we don't want to answer right now. I didn't ask where she would be staying - partly because I'm giving her space and partly because I think I don't want to know. She's been doing very good (I think) in being completely honest with me as we go through this journey and asking questions that I don't want the answer to wouldn't help. My presumption is that she's going to spend the night with the OM - I believe the first time that she's done that for the whole night rather than a quickie. I could be wrong - but I think a lot of the people reading this would be thinking the same thing. I truly don't care at the moment though. I actually hope that she "does" go there and that it helps her make up her mind. The OM is richer and better looking than I am and perhaps she's checking her options. Perhaps he has horrible morning breath and will expect her to make him bacon and eggs in the morning (one of the few things she's not good at). Her complexion also has gone "blotchy" with the stress and while I still think she's beautiful the OM might be wondering what he's gotten. I don't think I even looked like I was thinking about where she'll stay. I felt a bit embarrassed for her because while we were talking about this probably 15 text messages arrived on her phone which really pushes the probability to the OM. If it's true that reinforces my thought that he's even more smothering than I was. I told her to be safe (I didn't say "have fun") and actually got an "I love you" - albeit a very quiet one. I then went back out to the garden and didn't watch her leave.
Anyway. I still have my ironing to do and need to remake my lonely bed in the MBR then I think I'm going to have a nice sit with a good book call Divorce Busting.
Tomorrow is another day.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
A big part of my GAL strategy was to put down my beer and get up out of my chair and start doing the things that "I" like to do. I've finished off some projects in the workshop, gone for a "lot" of walks, taken charge of some things around the house that are important to me (such as gardening) and tried to put some living back into my life. Even possibly trivial things, I'm looking right now at the rose on my desk. I love roses and have done that to spoil myself.
If I were to become a social butterfly or go off to parties - that's not who I am and it would look false and more importantly BE false. As I've told my W, the shock of BD has caused me to want to be "me" again and start living again. I need to survive this journey either on my own or preferably with my W back in my arms. Hopefully she can accept the new/old me because this is who I am. As far as the DB processing goes, I think I'm getting more traction by being more self-confident and independent than I ever could by being mysterious.
To quote Polonius's advice to Leartes "To thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man."
Not everyone is the same - that's what makes humanity interesting.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
If I were to become a social butterfly or go off to parties...
...Didn't suggest that...
You don't seem to need any advice. Best of luck my friend
Confidence and independence are essential. I believe there's only so much you can achieve on your own. There's definitely something to be said to trying out a new hobby and meeting new people. That doesn't mean you need to be partying - go to a meetup for bird watching...or gardening...or stock market investing....or whatever. But getting out of the house is important not just to be mysterious, but to prove to yourself that you have social value...that you can live your life happily with or without WW.
Me-LBH, 48 Spouse-WW, 48 Married for 19 years Son, 12 BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding) BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA) WW filed D February 2016 WW moved out April 2016
If I were to become a social butterfly or go off to parties...
...Didn't suggest that...
You don't seem to need any advice. Best of luck my friend
Confidence and independence are essential. I believe there's only so much you can achieve on your own. There's definitely something to be said to trying out a new hobby and meeting new people. That doesn't mean you need to be partying - go to a meetup for bird watching...or gardening...or stock market investing....or whatever. But getting out of the house is important not just to be mysterious, but to prove to yourself that you have social value...that you can live your life happily with or without WW.
I was thinking of a gardening group too.
We're not suggesting you change your personality. We're just saying to look for ways to use your interests to connect with other people.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
