My Story - the circular nature of causality

[Klassic]

1gr8dad,

I just read through this thread and my hearts breaks for you. I can relate to you on so many levels. I will keep you in my prayers that this loneliness you feel doesn't last long. I am just starting on my first official week of real separation and the hope is small, very small, and I wonder if it's good to hold onto hope in situations like ours. After reading your story, I just don't know.

The good news is you seem like a great dad, and that fact can never be taken from you. Keep doing your best daddy work, and take care of yourself. I will be rooting for you.

[1gr8dad]

Klassic, thank you so much for taking the time to read though my sitch and for your empathy for me. I deeply identify with you and your sitch as well. Lets keep track of each others progress. I feel it will be helpful given the similarities in both our stories and timelines.

WRT hope, no matter how small it may be, we still need to hope. For me I am just packing my hope into a box for now and storing it away while I focus on myself and D3. This is because I can't let hope keep me stuck. Instead I need to step back and look at a bigger picture. The priority now is for me to fix myself where I can.

The first month of Separation is the toughest. The only way past the pain is through it. Don't let the pain weigh you down, instead use the pain to plan the changes you need in yourself. No kidding, it's so tough. That's why were are here for you. Keep posting and journalling your feelings.

Thank-you for your prayers and support.

[1gr8dad]

This past weekend was a blessing with beautiful weather and a great day. I organized another single parent meetup and it was a hit. We have 5 parents and 6 kids join for ice creme and playing in the park. Everyone had a blast. Among those who I met was another single dad who has the same timeline as me and we connect again over lunch the next day. It's nice to have someone else going though this to talk to.

GAL has been good. Sunday I spent most of the day filling out financial paperwork for the Separation Agreement.

I'm finding myself slightly less depressed and alone as each day passes by. Still doing well on Detachment: While I WANT my wife and family reunited, I no longer NEED her. Perhaps half the battle.

WW keeps wanting to meet in person to discuss D3. I already have to see WW every Sat when I drop off D3 and I hate it - the last two weeks she asks if I could come inside last minute to discuss things about D3. The first time I had GAL plans so I told her I couldn't but offered to meet for lunch during the week - which would not work for her. This time I sent a preemptive text explaining I didn't want to come into where I recently once lived to discuss anything while D3 was around. I proposed we discuss matters on the phone. She replied asking what the big deal was, we have been married for 5 years.

My struggle is this: Do I appear weak or scared if I don't want to see her in person for something that can be discussed over the phone or even e-mail?

What are your thoughts?

[1gr8dad]

Ya, so yesterday it seemed it was destined we see each other as WW needed to drop of Day care forms for me to sign. At least I was ready and composed.

She gave me a hug when she first saw me, I hugged her back but kept it short. She seemed pretty scattered/nervous but we focused on the procedures for signing the daycare papers.

We also came to an agreement that we would sell the matrimonial home. This is both a sad thing for me and a good thing: so we can move on with our lives. Separation is a time of such mixed feelings and emotions.

Off the cuff I causally mentioned she was looking well (I wanted to tell her she was looking good even though she was acting somewhat of mess). She replied that her boss' mother was seriously injured in an accident and that has left her pretty busy at work. I simply told her to convey my sadness to hear of the situation to her boss.

Now it makes sense why I got the hug: it's when her AP/boss is not around for her and she is emotionally needy. This also happened when her boss was away on vacation for a week, I also got a hug and an "I miss you" from her after a child mediation session. Or maybe I'm reading into it to much?

Anyhow I feel Sandi would be proud if she could see the interaction. I was very natural on my part, calm and respectful, to the point and somewhat friendly, and even ended the interaction when I felt she wanted to hang around more but there was nothing material to discuss.

That said, every time I see her in person, while I'm strong in the moment I still crumble inside after seeing her and interacting for non-short periods. I didn't sleep well last night.

I'm fine 99% of the rest of the time, detach, dark, GALing all going strong. It's just interacting with her in person that kills me after.


Does anyone else get this?

It's been two months of physical separation, does it get better as time goes by?

[1gr8dad]

I'm in better shape today. Had a GALgantious weekend!
Two meetups with single parents, one that I hosted at our science center, and another potluck someone else hosted Sat evening.

Today had brunch with a friend and strolled on the beach boardwalk.

More GAL = Less pain = more confidence in knowing I'll be ok with or without her. It sounds more like without her.

I see WW when I drop off D3 back at the condo from which I've moved out of now. This time seeing her was ok, maybe because I am in a better place and have accepted my seat on the D train.

We've agreed to sell the condo and were discussing how to handle real estate agents. She wants me to come help her work on some minor renos on the condo so it sells well.

Everything is happening so fast. I'm still struggling to get though the financial paperwork. I'm not sure how I feel about spending time with her all of a sudden after two months of separation to work on the condo.

Any advice?

[SH_]

Way to go 1gr8dad with all the GALing. You are my idol in that department and you set an example that I am hoping to follow.

I am still learning the ropes as my Dbing had mostly consisted of dodging some red anger and now several handoffs of my D5. So my advice is pretty basic as it relates to your time with her and the condo business. Keep up your confidence and act " as if". You will best determine what the "as if" is.

You sound to be doing well and I look forward to continue following you as you have done some good things to be in a great place no matter what happens.

[1gr8dad]

Thanks so much Sadhub, I appreciate your encouragement and advice!
It's good to be kept reminded of DB principles when your head is lost in your heart sometimes.

[1gr8dad]

Ok, I got this message from WW today:

I expect it goes without saying that if you're ever taking [D3] out of the city you will let me know. I don't appreciate how many new people are regulars in my child's life and I don't even know them. So I hope you can at least keep me aware of her whereabouts should she be out of reach.
I can't believe who you are and how little I know you.

I assume this is in response to the Potluck Party I took my D3 to and the meetup group for single parents and kids between 2-8 years that I organize.

Here's my potential Responses. Should I use A or B or something else?
Any feedback is welcome.

A)

Dear WW, what I do with OUR daughter when she's in my custody is my choice. I hope you can trust me that I have OUR daughter's best interest at heart and will never put her in harms way. My intention for introducing her to new friends and new kids is to enrich her life and increase her level of comfort with interrelating with others her age beside her cousins.

When you chose to leave me, you also chose to leave 1/2 of your D3's life. Now that you don't have control over my life and the time D3 is in it I suggest you stop complaining about it.

Since you decided to remove me from your life, I have decided to get a life of my own, one that fulfills me. I guess I can thank-you for making that happen.

I know we're still working on the full Parenting Plan, so I understand that I cannot remove D3 from the country without your consent so I never would. While I do not require your permission to take D3 out of the city, if you like, I will notify you by e-mail if I do.

Have a pleasant day.

B)

Dear WW, I'm sorry that you feel the way you do about how little you know me. I can understand your frustration about not fully knowing what's going on in Ava's life when she's not with you. I sometimes feel the same way but realize this is the way things will be given we are now separated.

However, I hope you can trust me that I have our daughter's best interest at heart and will never put her in harms way. My intention for introducing her to new friends and new kids is to enrich her life and increase her level of comfort with interrelating with others her age beside her cousins.

I currently have no plans for leaving the city with Ava, but it's possible I may want to take her for a day trip to the zoo or lion safari this summer. For these events I will notify you by e-mail because I realize it will make you feel comfortable.

I hope you are well.

Sorry, response A was for my own therapy. LOL.

[SH_]

I love both of them, but I agree with you. Option A was for you, option B is the more appropriate.

Very well written

[CWOL]

Hi 1gr8dad,
I posted this on rich4j's thread, but it probably got pushed down. Can you answer for me on the "healing guided meditation audio book?"

I looked on scribd but could not find that particular audio book. There were several with similar names but none were 15 minutes long. Is it still up there?