More detachment, anxiety and the joys of limbo

[Painter]

Phoebe, I don't know how I missed your post yesterday, but I am SO SORRY! ((((Phoebe))))

I'm not going to say that I can't imagine what you feel, because I can, all too well.

It will get better with time. This is probably your lowest point, and it will eventually get better. Perhaps you felt a little more energized yesterday because anger will do that.

When it comes to what you do now - is there a way you can lock up all funds besides regular income until something is decided? I don't know if there is a legal option besides S/D to do that, but in my mind, it's like you're dealing with a family member who is in a manic phase and you have to take care of the practical things, including securing funds. That's how I look at H - I am sad to do certain things and hate to have to, but one of us has to take care of business.

[Phoebe]

If I could possibly do something to secure all of our finances without going to the S/D option, I would do that in a heartbeat. He truly is a family member gone off the deep end.

The anger phase of yesterday morning is definitely gone by now, and I don't have the clarity and strength that it seemed to bring. Fully back into the self-doubt phase.

Thank you for checking up on me Painter. It means a lot.

[1313]

Phoebe, do you feel any better after your counselor this morning?

I can relate to the self-doubt, it's amazing how much of our worth is attached to our spouses. Like you said, all the eggs in one basket.

You've just got to do what you can to change the scenery, and put yourself into a place reserved for you. I wish I could say it's going to get better soon. I realize what a chore even the simplest things can be, and I'm not out of this fog after 3+ months. But I know you're gonna do it!

[CWOL]

If I could possibly do something to secure all of our finances without going to the S/D option, I would do that in a heartbeat. He truly is a family member gone off the deep end.

Phoebe,
I'm pretty sure the only/best way to secure your finances is to file for separation. Once you do, you can get a separation agreement that will safeguard your assets so they don't disappear.

[Vanilla]

Have you got a good L?

That is the only way you will know.

And when you do three words (in any order)

Cards

Close

Chest

V

[Phoebe]

1313, actually my two counselor appointments are both tomorrow. Grief therapist in the morning, psychologist in the afternoon. I wonder how I arrived at this point sometimes. I've never seen a therapist in my life, and now I have multiple? I still don't know if they help, but I'm reaching for anything right now!

Straws, anyone??? : )

My psychologist is grandfatherly, so I can say that I enjoy seeing him. He is a comforting empathetic male presence. My father can't fill that role, so it's nice to have someone in it. Not slamming my Dad, mind you, he's been great, but he's pretty much out of patience with my inability to get over my troubles. I've only seen my grief therapist running once, so I don't have a feel for that process yet.

Feeling OK at the moment. Yes, some of my usual daily waterworks, but nothing that lasted more than a few minutes.

Totally filled with self-doubt about where to go from here, but I'm getting lots of strong opinions from family, friends, my GP...

I have an appt. scheduled with a local lawyer for Monday, and then one in the other state on Friday. Jurisdiction is going to be an issue. So, since I have to go out there for a lawyer, I'll be getting some of my stuff from the house. No way I'm going to stay in a hotel when I have a house I'm already paying for, which means I need to figure out how to convey my occupancy intentions to H. He should be in his apartment, but I'd really prefer not to see him at all. That means more contact, darn it. Ugh. Obviously, I'll just be telling him I'm there to pick up my bike, etc..

Does anyone have any thoughts on legal separation vs. divorce? I have no idea what LS really even entails or what advantages/disadvantages there might be to that option, beyond that it is nearly as expensive as divorce from what I understand.

Still haven't heard any more from H about "telling me his story." That was about 10 say ago now.

And this is the point at which I fess up to my complete foolishness. In a moment of complete insanity, I (just this very moment) sent H a one line email asking if he had had any further thoughts on that front. Why, why, why did I do it? Sigh... It's like I just lost my mind for a a few seconds and my fingers took over the keyboard. Another bell I can't unring.

Why do I still want to give this man a chance after all the things he has done and all the hell he has put me through? I am nowhere near detaching, much as I want to and know I need to. Again, my heart doesn't take good directions from my brain.

DB fail.

[1313]

Pheobe,
I'm glad to hear you're seeing somebody - and one that is giving you an outlet especially. I thought yesterday you said "tomorrow", so I thought you had already gone. 2? Wow, congratulations. Making up for lost time!

I'm so sorry about having to see an L. The stress is only just starting. I wish I could say different.

Here's my opinion on LS vs D. One buys time. That's it. If you think - truly - you can DR, get your H out of his A fog, then IF you can afford it LS or maybe just trial S is a way to go. The less you start getting L's between you two the better.

At least an L will give you some advice based on specifics of your current sitch. That will give you something to mull over.

I know it's hard to detach, go dark. I couldn't stand it at first. You'll blow it - as I did. Don't worry. It's going to happen. Try, try not to answer. Try, try to let things wait.

Heart doesn't take direction from the brain? They still talking to each other? Hang in there, you'll get through this stretch. It's going to be a while.

[Rose888]

Be gentle with yourself. You can't expect to undo decades of attachment without ever slipping up.

[Painter]

LS vs. D - in some states, it's required to have one before the other, I believe? Some states don't actually have a LS option, but a property settlement agreement can replace it.

I always thought you LS before you D - but I see in some states, the road to a D is very short.

Personally, I would LS - it's a transition that can be helpful, I think.

Heart vs. mind - I still think that this is all a nightmare and I'll wake up at some point.

[Vanilla]

Just go to your second home and do what you need to do. Please do not advance warn WH.

Pay for a cheap B and B.

If you want to press buttons, want drama, police involved. Prewarn him so get can get the locks changed or move your things that will really do it. You can create drama if you want it.

Why prod the sleeping bear?

Why prewarn him?

V