Sadly, your wife seems to be cake eating. She gets to live in fantasy land with OM while knowing you are available as plan B whenever she likes. Boundaries and detachment need to kick in. Focus on becoming the best 1gr8dad that only a fool would leave.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
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Her AP was a neighbor but they did communicate a lot through work computers so his W, after discovering the A, told her H's company and my wife's. He got fired, my wife was asked to resign, which she did. Their little fantasy world exploded.
If you don't blow up the paradigm, nothing will change. I screwed that up. I should have acted much quicker and with much more confidence. Women respond to strong male leadership. Being the passive male sitting quietly while they cheat is not attractive to a woman in any way whatsoever.
Thx TxHubby, how did your W's AP react to his W's action on exposing him? How did your W feel about the other wife exposing her?
At that moment they felt suicidal. Their fantasy exploded all over them. They lost their spouses, families, and careers in the blink of an eye. All for what? What I observed was guilt, shame, humiliation. Expected reactions. It was pretty ugly but the upside was the fantasy was blown away. Everyone, and I mean everyone, knew what they had been doing. There was no possible way for it to continue. The ugly dark secret that affairs are had been drug into the light of day and put on to display for all to see. When you drag an affair into the light of day where all the friends, family, etc. can see the pain that is being inflicted by a spouse then it becomes almost impossible for the affair to continue. Affairs absolutely thrive on secrecy. They have to have secrecy to survive. Without secrecy they can't survive. Once you get them out of the affair then the affair fog dissipates very quickly. That fog where all us betrayed spouses say "we don't even recognize him/her anymore". I see most of BS's on this site say that very thing. You want that behavior to stop? Then blow the fantasy up.
Wow that's a crazy story TxHubby, thanks for sharing. Is you W glad now in retrospect for how things played out in the end?
My sitch is a little different. My W basically kicked me out in reaction to finding out about me going to Massage Parlours. But if you read my story closely, it's pretty clear that her EA with her boss had been going on probably as long as I was frequenting the MPs. To my knowledge, the PA started with her boss 4 weeks after she found out about my betrayal. So we are kind of madhatters except my side is not an affair.
Are there any madhatters on the board who want to key in?
Me37 W33 T:8 M:5 D3 BD 11/2015 EA+PA w boss 12/2015 S 3/2016
Im stronger because I had to be Im smarter because of my mistakes happier because of the sadness Ive known and now wiser because I learned
I understand not wanting to expose the affair. Just show her through action what a great man she is going to lose.
TxHubby, Lostman thanks for your valuable input. Today I saw my IC and told her TxHubby's story and got some feedback.
I'm going to agree with everyone I've gotten input from:
agree w TxHubby that I'm out of luck until my WW's Affair fantasy bubble is popped (if ever)
though I also agree with all the reading and support in these forums which spell out that I cannot control what she does, I can only control myself and focus on GAL and my D. She must take this path of hers where-ever it takes her.
My IC also thinks that while blowing up her affair (even though my motivation would be for saving our family rather than vengeance), there's still way too much risk. I will be blamed by her and I risk reconciliation chances, and an amicable co-parenting R.
My only hope is that naturally her affair will be caught at work, her fantasy is destroyed (not my my hand), and she realizes all that is lost.
For now I just have to deal with the pain and jealousy, assume the marriage is over for the time being, and get along on my life.
Any tips for dealing with that kind of pain?
Sandi2 or any other WAWs, do you think my W is wayward or just done with me because of my betrayal? Should I continue to use LRTs?
Me37 W33 T:8 M:5 D3 BD 11/2015 EA+PA w boss 12/2015 S 3/2016
Im stronger because I had to be Im smarter because of my mistakes happier because of the sadness Ive known and now wiser because I learned
At that moment they felt suicidal. Their fantasy exploded all over them. They lost their spouses, families, and careers in the blink of an eye. All for what? What I observed was guilt, shame, humiliation. Expected reactions. It was pretty ugly but the upside was the fantasy was blown away. Everyone, and I mean everyone, knew what they had been doing. There was no possible way for it to continue. The ugly dark secret that affairs are had been drug into the light of day and put on to display for all to see. When you drag an affair into the light of day where all the friends, family, etc. can see the pain that is being inflicted by a spouse then it becomes almost impossible for the affair to continue. Affairs absolutely thrive on secrecy. They have to have secrecy to survive. Without secrecy they can't survive. Once you get them out of the affair then the affair fog dissipates very quickly. That fog where all us betrayed spouses say "we don't even recognize him/her anymore". I see most of BS's on this site say that very thing. You want that behavior to stop? Then blow the fantasy up.
My WW had a similar reaction when I exposed her. She had been denying that she had any type of affair with OM to me. She kept saying that she wanted to separate because "we've grown apart." I sat on it for three weeks then I decided to blow it up by exposing her to our friends and family. Her reaction was terrible and she filed for D a month later.
She said she is leaving me because of the exposure, but she told me when I confronted her about the EA that she wanted to separate. So I don't think it made any difference, maybe just the timing of things. But in a sense I feel better about myself afterwards because at least all of our friends now know the truth. She was about to tell everyone we just weren't compatible, etc. but now they all know the REAL reason.
Me-LBH, 48 Spouse-WW, 48 Married for 19 years Son, 12 BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding) BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA) WW filed D February 2016 WW moved out April 2016
I propose and we marry a year later in 2010 and she moves in (no prior MR or kids)
The first couple years of our marriage felt amazing except for one challenge. W has a very large family and an inordinate amount of our free time was being spent with W's side of the family. (A minimum 3 hour visit obligation at a frequency of 2-3 times a week at MILs)
Finally in 2012, things got out of hand when my SIL went on Mat leave and spent all her time at MILs, and my W was compelled to visit after work several times a week often asking me to come along.
At that point I couldn't take the cumulative amount of time spent with her family and felt I didn't have a family of my own, I insisted on MC else I was leaving
After 6 sessions with the MC, my W and I were back on a very healthy track! She was able to recognize that her compulsion to see MIL and SIL may have been driven by sibling rivalry. We were able to now strike a good balance of our family vs hers
The next year was amazing and we felt confident about our strengthened MR and decided to get PG.
In late 2013 we were blessed with a healthy baby daughter
However, by 2014 we run into problems . . .
Originally Posted By: 1gr8dad
We suffered a sort of regression back into our previous marital problem. During Mat leave, more often than not, I would come home from work and my W and newborn would be at my MILs house. Now during the first few months I thought all the extra time with her mother was ok because she needed the extra help, but my W's increased absence from our home persisted for the whole year of Mat leave. Unfortunately, this time, I seemed to not have the balls to re-assert my previous concerns or request we go back for MC. Instead I found myself with a lot of extra time on my hands. So I hit the gym and also played in a weekly league. Several months into this is where I unintentionally started down a very destructive path that would play a part in destroying our marriage. My body was sore from all the physical activity I was doing and I noticed several massage clinics a stone's throw away from our place. It turned out they were really all Massage Parlours where I was subsequently was offered a "happy ending" after the massage. Pandora's box had been opened.
Also in 2014 my W's boss was going through a divorce. My W and her boss have always been close since she started working for him in late 2011, but now after his separation, my W would talk a lot more about him and his personal life.
Originally Posted By: 1gr8dad
One of the things I often encouraged my W to do (especially in light of the imbalance issue around her family) was to also make time for building relationships with her friends. So around this time she started to go out after work on Wed nights while I looked after our D. I sometimes asked my W what she was doing and she would often report to me that she was out with friends from work. One time she called me from her boss' house and I got upset and told her that I didn't think it was appropriate that she was hanging out there alone with him and I asked her to refrain. She agreed, but every time my W told me she was with her boss after work, I could feel a pang hit my heart, but I foolishly ignored it because she always re-assured me that they were just friends outside of their working relationship.
In late 2014 we got into a big fight. My W needed help with resolving her suspended license and asked me if I could cancel a team work lunch I had planned and take the day off instead to assist in reinstating her license. I was not able to cancel but told her we could resolve the issue later that day. She got upset and instead sought out her boss to help her. I was really upset because it seemed she and her boss were often crossing the employee/manager line and in this occasion I confronted her about her unusual R with her boss. She again assured me they were just friends. There were many times where she had to work late with him and I let her know it bothered me. To address my concerns she started to bring him home while I was there when they had extra work to do. It was kind of weird at first but they were really working, and after the 3 of us would chill out and relax. Also he was now being invited to our family birthdays, family events such as Christmas and new-year at my MILs, and our social events because my W felt he needed to get out more since his separation.
As I got to know him better, consciously I didn't feel as insecure as I did before, but the amount of time he would still spend together after work with my W, with us and our family, with my in-laws, and with our friends, didn't sit right in my subconscious - yet I foolishly did nothing! She would sometimes cook and pack food for him, go shopping for furniture for his new post-matrimonial home, they would text each other a lot outside of work hours, also they would go on several overnight business trips a year, for his Christmas present she assembled child-hood pictures of his family for him. My W is not a morning person and her boss would even call her every morning to wake her up. I remember joking with her if he would also call me as well to wake me up. Looking back, It was really [censored] UP, but his increased presence in our family and social lives after his separation was so gradual I didn't notice it as threat - I was such as ignorant fool!
Now in retrospect it's clear to me my W was having at the very least an EA with her boss hidden in plain sight.
Basically our MR slowly but steadily deteriorated from 2014-2015 and I felt very distant and emotionally disconnected from my W as she seemed more emotionally connected with her boss.
As I become more frustrated, resentful and alone in the marriage I found myself frequenting the MPs (Massage Parlors) and even at one point I was going on a weekly basis. (My W was still often going to MILs with D after work so it was easy for me to go while I was left alone at home).
Nov 2015, my W discovers my very bad habit and BD: wants a divorce.
4 weeks later I discover hard evidence that my W's R with her boss is a PA + EA
We try MC but W wants out of MR. In fact wants me to leave the home and blames me for everything and denies any affair.
We lawyer up and take 3 months to agree on a 50/50 split of our D and then I move out.
I've been physically separated for 1 month now.
So here I am; the LBH who is deeply regretful for my part in the marriage breakdown, and wishes things were different. I want to DB because I still love this women and want to continue to share my life and dreams with her despite the downward spiral we just went though. I remember the good times which were so amazing when everyone else was out of the picture and we were in our own love bubble. I don't want my W's boss to be my D's step-dad. I don't want to break up our family unit, but rather piece together our marriage and family into a stronger new marriage. I read that couples can get past affairs and discover an even stronger renewed MR. I've heard of Retrouvaille. But it appears my W has lost all hope in the marriage and has completely replaced me with her AP boss.
I've read though all material that Cadet sent me and have been deploying LRTs but nothing seems to be working. We only communicate about D and try to maintain a civil/amicable co-parenting relationship.
I'm suffering from a tremendous amount of paralyzing pain but have gained a lot of support from reading posts from all the great vets and DBers on here.
I'm wondering if I really have a WW or not??? and if the LRTs are only hindering the development of a healthy co-parenting relationship??? What do you think given my story???
Last edited by Cadet; 04/04/1605:27 AM. Reason: merged posts
Me37 W33 T:8 M:5 D3 BD 11/2015 EA+PA w boss 12/2015 S 3/2016
Im stronger because I had to be Im smarter because of my mistakes happier because of the sadness Ive known and now wiser because I learned
We don't always know what the label is on our spouses. Could also be MLC.
My opinion is to not let that concern you.
What would you DO differently if you had this knowledge? DB'ing is shifting the focus off of our spouses and placing it on the one person we can CONTROL.
OURSELVES.
That is the area that I think you should worry about.
P.S. - Please stick to one thread until 100 posts, it is easier to follow your story that way.
