IP regarding MC, when you did it maybe your H was still in love with OW, so it wouldn't have been worth anything or maybe he doesn't want to be told that he has a problem. I went to MC with STBXH but he was with OW so had no intention to deal with his own issues! At the beginning of our separation he started to see IC but it only lasted 2 months. You can make your H go it has to come from him.
Sadly Rouky it is the latter: H cannot stand being wrong or anyone thinking bad of him. None of our issues have ever been caused by him: even the OW! You're right, I cannot make him go. I think at this point to even suggest it would scare him away again.
IP you have to stay strong, at the present you can only work on yourself and create your life how you want it. I don't want to be optimistic with your situation but I see some positives. You are in a better place than me with my STBXH, don't try to rush it. Take it as it comes and evaluate the progress.
You are a very strong woman and I have every confidence you will do well no matter what :-)
Hi Inpain I completely understand your taking some time away from the forum. Its not easy sometimes reading about all these situations and some of them have been going on for years.
It does look like your situation has taken a turn. I really hope your H makes the effort to fix his mess. You seem stronger now that before. I could see it in you but know i feel it in your words and actions.
Take it slow. Hopefully he is on his path back to you and your family. Let's hope hes learned what he needs to, Don't need this to be repeated in another 9 years.
thanks for your post on my situation. It was good hearing from you.... even though i was hoping you left the forum because things were so much better, i'm glad you are here for you and for those who need your story so they can learn from it as well.
hugs Irish
M51 XW43 (38 at bd) BD1 MAY 30 2015 BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text moved out Aug 2 2015 left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20) Her divorce Final July 26 2016 Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
Sadly Rouky it is the latter: H cannot stand being wrong or anyone thinking bad of him. None of our issues have ever been caused by him: even the OW! You're right, I cannot make him go. I think at this point to even suggest it would scare him away again.
That all sounds very familiar!
I don't exactly *like* being wrong, either, but I have definitely admitted to and apologized for things I wish I had done differently in the M. (Come to think of it, I don't think H actually has done that... he has tried to change some things, but usually an admission from me just makes him list more things I have done wrong...)
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Thanks Rouky. I don't feel strong at the moment. I feel impatient. I'm really trying hard to reign the feelings of impatience in while we do the exercises in this book. We only have 6 more days of these exercises left to do. I guess I just don't understand the WAS and their reluctance to give any concrete indications about where things are heading. I can't understand how they can just shrug off such a major life changing event!
Don't get me wrong, I am so glad we're doing the exercises and it must be a positive sign but I don't know what is supposed to happen at the end of it. Also, deep down, I'm seething towards H that he could do this to the children for 5 months when he clearly isn't sure he wants a D. I feel unsure as to how I could love him properly again. Maybe that's normal when you start trying to get back together, I don't know.
You're right about the boards, it can be pretty depressing reading about all the pain and sorrow and there aren't many that actually get back together. It makes grim reading.
Originally Posted By: IrishM
Take it slow. Hopefully he is on his path back to you and your family. Let's hope hes learned what he needs to, Don't need this to be repeated in another 9 years.
Well said! It is so hard to take it slow, I just want the pain and heartache to be over, but at the same time, even if he came back tomorrow, I don't know how to get over the pain of what he has done to not just me but our children. It is the fact that he could do this to them that makes me unsure of how I feel about him. He is not the man I thought he was and he continues to show no empathy for how S11 feels about what he has done. It cannot just be swept under the carpet. I think he is afraid to come back and afraid to D. My family don't want me to get back together with him at all! They say that he's done it twice and he'll do it again. My parents are worried that they won't be around anymore when he does it next time and I'll have no one to turn to. H doesn't seem to realise that what he has done hasn't just impacted me, it has impacted so many people who trusted him again after the first time he left. It is going to be a long, hard road back and I'm worried he doesn't have what it takes to do it. He is very self centred. I absolutely don't want to be here again in another 9 years!
Hi Painter, thanks for your post I really appreciate it.
Yes, my H is the same. Even when doing these exercises. They are given as a series of sentence openers. They all use 'I' and 'you' and 'me', but whenever it's Hs turn he starts off with the 'I' in the printed sentence then changes to 'people' feel this, that or the other when... for the rest of what he says. He cannot take ownership of anything. Even his own feelings!
Thanks Rouky. I don't feel strong at the moment. I feel impatient. I'm really trying hard to reign the feelings of impatience in while we do the exercises in this book. We only have 6 more days of these exercises left to do. I guess I just don't understand the WAS and their reluctance to give any concrete indications about where things are heading.
when you are spinning in circles then the direction is unknown.
I can't understand how they can just shrug off such a major life changing event!
Mind reading my lovely. Imputing motives
Don't get me wrong, I am so glad we're doing the exercises and it must be a positive sign but I don't know what is supposed to happen at the end of it.
Detach and please let go of expectations.
Also , deep down, I'm seething towards H that he could do this to the children for 5 months when he clearly isn't sure he wants a D.
This makes sense to him, he has reasons no matter how out of the box they seem to you.
I feel unsure as to how I could love him properly again.
Do you have an IC to discuss this with?
Maybe that's normal when you start trying to get back together, I don't know. It can be and I think it would be helpful for you to know if this is the case for you.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Hi inpain I'm not really sure what to say apart from I feel your pain. My h has dropped this on me again and I feel so exhausted. In struggling too much right now to get my head together.
Reading through some of your posts are helpful, as they feel like I could have written some of them.
How did you get through this the last time?
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
