The following story may be seen as highlighting the circular nature of causality in the iterations with the people who are closest to us. I will now always seek awareness of how marriage and relationship dysfunction can influence our actions and the actions of those within close proximity of our lives. Come back to this preamble after reading my SITCH . . .
My W and I first met in 2008 and we fell madly in love and I asked her to marry me in 2009. We tied the knot in 2010; I was 31 at the time and she was 28 (no previous marriage or kids). The first couple years of our marriage felt amazing - sure we had some bumps in the road but we were still head over heels for each other. I recall my W waking up every morning and telling me one of the ways she knows how much I love her is because my pillow would move from my side of the bed to be right beside her pillow by the time we woke up. Things we great except for one challenge. She has a very large immediate family and extended family. For a new couple who would be exploring our new life together, instead we were spending an inordinate amount of time on her side of the family. A minimum 3 hour visit obligation at a frequency of 2-3 times a week was spent at my in-laws. Initially this did not bother me because we were so in love I would do anything that would make her happy. After a couple years it started gnawing at me and I become resentful because I rarely saw my friends, and my side of the family always played second fiddle - I'd be lucky to see my family once a month if that. However, I understood that a women will always be more tied to her side of the family and anyhow I loved each any everyone in that family in a special way as if they were my own brothers, sisters and children. I just felt the balance was out of whack and felt little control over our weekends to do things as our own independent family unit.
Finally in 2012, things got unmanageable for me when my W's sister was on Mat leave. Her sister spent all her time with the new baby at my MILs, and my W was compelled to visit after work several times a week often asking me to come along. This was on top of the weekly Friday dinner which lasted up to 6 hours. The straw that broke the camel's back was when my W asked if we could go on vacation with her Sister and family. It was then that I told her how I felt about how there was a material imbalance of "our" family versus her family, and I insisted on MC. Well to make an already long story shorter, after 6 sessions with the MC in 2012, my W and I were back on a very healthy track! She was able to recognize that her compulsion to see her mother and sister may have been driven by sibling rivalry. I was able to let go of my resentment and embrace my in-laws. Also we were able to have family dinner moved from Fridays to Sundays instead and cut the time down from 6 to 3 hours. My W and I were able to focus much more on the health of our inner marital circle and closeness while balancing our external families and friends.
The next year was amazing and we felt confident about our strengthened MR and decided to get PG. We were so in love and so excited to be new parents. In late 2013 we were blessed with a healthy baby daughter who was just a beautiful bundle of a joy and still is.
But guess what happened . . . by 2014 we suffered a sort of regression back into our previous marital problem. During Mat leave, more often than not, I would come home from work and my W and newborn would be at my MILs house. Now during the first few months I thought all the extra time with her mother was ok because she needed the extra help, but my W's increased absence from our home persisted for the whole year of Mat leave. Unfortunately, this time, I seemed to not have the balls to re-assert my previous concerns or request we go back for MC. Instead I found myself with a lot of extra time on my hands. So I hit the gym and also played in a weekly league. Several months into this is where I unintentionally started down a very destructive path that would play a part in destroying our marriage. My body was sore from all the physical activity I was doing and I noticed several massage clinics a stone's throw away from our place. It turned out they were really all Massage Parlors where I was subsequently was offered a "happy ending" after the massage. Pandora's box had been opened.
Also in 2014 my W's boss was going through a divorce. My W and her boss have always been close since she started working for him in late 2011, but now after his separation, my W would talk a lot more about him and his personal life. One of the things I often encouraged my W to do (especially in light of the imbalance issue around her family) was to also make time for building relationships with her friends. So around this time she started to go out after work on Wed nights while I looked after our D. I sometimes asked my W what she was doing and she would often report to me that she was out with friends from work. One time she called me from her boss' house and I got upset and told her that I didn't think it was appropriate that she was hanging out there alone with him and I asked her to refrain. She agreed, but every time my W told me she was with her boss after work, I could feel a pang hit my heart, but I foolishly ignored it because she always re-assured me that they were just friends outside of their working relationship.
In late 2014 we got into a big fight. My W needed help with resolving her suspended license and asked me if I could cancel a team work lunch I had planned and take the day off instead to assist in reinstating her license. I was not able to cancel but told her we could resolve the issue later that day. She got upset and instead sought out her boss to help her. I was really upset because it seemed she and her boss were often crossing the employee/manager line and in this occasion I confronted her about her unusual R with her boss. She again assured me they were just friends. There were many times where she had to work late with him and I let her know it bothered me. To address my concerns she started to bring him home while I was there when they had extra work to do. It was kind of weird at first but they were really working, and after the 3 of us would chill out and relax. Also he was now being invited to our family birthdays, family events such as Christmas and new-year at my MILs, and our social events because my W felt he needed to get out more since his separation.
As I got to know him better, consciously I didn't feel as insecure as I did before, but the amount of time he would still spend together after work with my W, with us and our family, with my in-laws, and with our friends, didn't sit right in my subconscious - yet I foolishly did nothing! She would sometimes cook and pack food for him, go shopping for furniture for his new post-matrimonial home, they would text each other a lot outside of work hours, also they would go on several overnight business trips a year, for his Christmas present she assembled child-hood pictures of his family for him. My W is not a morning person and her boss would even call her every morning to wake her up. I remember joking with her if he would also call me as well to wake me up. Looking back, It was really [censored] UP, but his increased presence in our family and social lives after his separation was so gradual I didn't notice it as threat - I was such as ignorant fool!
Now in retrospect it's clear to me my W was having an EA with her boss hidden in plain sight.
Basically our MR slowly but steadily deteriorated from 2014-2015 and I felt very distant and emotionally disconnected from my W as she seemed more emotionally connected with her boss. They shared a common cause from their strong partnership at work, and she deeply empathized with him in the wake of his separation and started to attend to his emotional needs outside their manager/employee relationship. All the while, as I become more frustrated, resentful and alone in the marriage I found myself frequenting the MPs (Massage Parlors) and even at one point I was going on a weekly basis. (after Mat leave, my W maintained spending Tuesday/Thursday evenings with her mother and sister so it was easy for me to go while I was left alone at home). THB I wouldn't classify our marriage as a SSM but definitely after the birth of our daughter and the SITCH in general we have both been LD during this time.
If I were to analyze why I was going to the MPs, I feel it wasn't necessarily libidinal, but these MP attendants (all NPA Asian women between 35 and 45 who aren't necessarily my taste at all) offered me a great stress reducing massage, gave me a sense of masculinity, and made me feel attractive. Now admitting to this makes me feel like I was so weak and disillusioned because I knew this was their job to elicit a good tip. I guess I used it as an outlet to stay somewhat happy in what was becoming a deteriorating marriage. Most people who know me couldn't believe it was in my character to do what I did, but I became enslaved by the temptations of the Devil and now I am forever regretful of the utter weakness of my actions and the damage I've caused to my W, to my family, and to myself. I could have done a thousand better things to address the root causes of our marriage breakdown. Instead I proceeded to sleep-walk weakly through this dysfunctional period approaching our 5 year milestone of marriage. For my part I am deeply and truly sorry.
Interestingly, in Sept 2015, my in-laws were out of town for a whole month and this freed up a lot of our time. My W and I started to go on weekly dates after a long time. After our first date I got down on my hands and knees and prayed desperately to God that I stop being tempted to go to the MPs and instead turn totally toward my W. What's strange is that also the day after our first date, on her drive home from work, my W suffered a massive panic attack. Thank God, she was able to steer off the highway and pull into a side street. She called me in a panic and couldn't even identify which street she was on. I eventually found her and took her to the ER. I was concerned about what could have caused her first panic attack ever, but she claimed that work was stressful. In retrospect I now suspect that she was dealing with an internal struggle over the love and security she had with me and the feelings she had for her boss. (Maybe I'm wrong, I guess I will never know). We had 3 more dates each week after that and I felt our marriage was nonetheless recharged and had turned around as I had prayed for. I stopped going to the MPs, not even once!
In Oct 2015 our 5 year anniversary weekend seemed strained. My W had to have me reschedule and shorten our weekend getaway because of a work conflict she had. When we did go away she seemed off, somewhat distant and she slept for half the day while I walked around the tourist village by myself. I had tried to plan various activities that we could do together but in the end I was very disappointed.
At this point things were falling apart and she seemed to be in a state of depression. In Nov 2015 she discovered about the MPs and told me she wanted a Divorce and she walked away with our D. I begged her to come back and she did but I was to sleep on the couch. We tried to see a MC but my W had already re-written the marriage and brought in a Laundry List of things that I did to ruin the marriage. I tried to bring up how I felt about her boss but it didn't get me anywhere and my W denied it. Actually she denied it but when I confronted her about it alone she said that I encouraged her to go out on Wednesdays with her boss. I told her I encouraged her to go out and have a life with her friends instead of being so much with her family, not to necessarily hang out with her boss. Anyhow she said her boss was dating someone so I needn't worry about that.
4 weeks after the BD my W decided to come with me and our D to my parent's Christmas Party despite our marriage being against the ropes. The next day we agreed that I start taking my D to sleep over at my Parents as we got ready for me to move out. I had a hunch something was going on and the next day I confirmed my suspicion that she was now having a PA with her boss. I have hard evidence that her boss was having sex with my W in our matrimonial bed while I was with my Daughter at my parents. This was one day after she attended my family's Christmas Party. This killed me but confirmed that the little voice that I had ignored all this time was right. I later told her I knew about her and her boss, she denied it but asked how I knew. I told her it didn't matter how I found out.
I believe now I have a WAW who is in a EA + PA with her boss.
My W insisted that I leave our home ASAP and our MC felt the marriage could not be saved at this point. We started putting together a co-parenting schedule and I started sleeping at my parents with my D once a week slowing ramping up to 3 times a week. After 3 months of negotiation and me living between two homes our Lawyers agreed on an interim co-parenting plan and I fully moved out. (This was about a month ago today, and I get our D 3 days a week).
Her boss has effectively taken my place, not only in our matrimonial bedroom, but I see him in facebook pictures at her family events. I get to hear from my D that she goes shopping with my W and the boss/OM alone, and goes over to the OM's house to play with his D. Interestingly my wife to this day still thinks I am and was a great dad, so that's my new status in her life: Co-parent - and she hopes we can be good friends.
So here I am; the LBH who wishes things were different and wants to DB because I still love this women and want to continue to share my life and dreams with her despite the downward spiral we just went though. I remember the good times which were so amazing when everyone else was out of the picture and we were in our own love bubble. I don't want my W's boss to be my D's step-dad. I don't want to break up our family unit, but rather piece together our marriage and family into a stronger new marriage. I read that couples can get past affairs and discover an even stronger renewed MR. I've heard of Retrouvaille. But it appears my W has lost all hope in the marriage and has completely replaced me with her AP boss.
I've read a lot of content already on the boards here, but I'm looking to all the DBers on this site who had the patience to read though my long story to advise me of how to cope in my situation.
In particular, given my story, is my W really a wayward WAW? If so should I apply the LRT and detach and go dark, or will that only hinder a potential good co-parenting relationship?
Any advice would be great. I'm also finding myself very depressed but trying very hard to GAL as much as I can between being a dad. Amazing DBers please help me!
Me37 W33 T:8 M:5 D3 BD 11/2015 EA+PA w boss 12/2015 S 3/2016
Im stronger because I had to be Im smarter because of my mistakes happier because of the sadness Ive known and now wiser because I learned
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Your W is definitely a WW. Deploy LRT, do 180's, GAL and go Dark. Be a good Dad though. Be an awesome Dad. Your D should not have to suffer because of your W's decisions so make sure you shine in this department. This isn't for the benefit of your W. You're not trying to show HER how awesome you are. You are doing it for your D. Read ALL of Sandi2's threads in the following link: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2653323&page=1
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
These things progress to this point because so many of you get bad advice and sit back and watch affairs blossom whilst doing nothing. That's the worst possible thing you can do. It makes fixing it at this point almost impossible. Not impossible, but almost impossible.
Allowing fairs to continue unchallenged is never ever ever a good idea. He's her boss? That affair was easy to nip in the bud. Inform HR. Companies have very very strict policies about such things. Especially employer/employee affairs. If it goes south they can get sued by your WW for sexual harassment and she'd win. Still, at this point you can try DB'ing but honestly you let it get away from you probably too far. My advice is quit worrying about the dying M and focus on your own future post-M.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Allowing fairs to continue unchallenged is never ever ever a good idea. He's her boss? That affair was easy to nip in the bud. Inform HR. Companies have very very strict policies about such things. Especially employer/employee affairs. If it goes south they can get sued by your WW for sexual harassment and she'd win. Still, at this point you can try DB'ing but honestly you let it get away from you probably too far. My advice is quit worrying about the dying M and focus on your own future post-M.
Yes, it's easy to kill this type of affair, just bark to HR and the CEO/President of the company. They will be scared of any potential sexual harassment lawsuit and the OM will be fired summarily.
Me-LBH, 48 Spouse-WW, 48 Married for 19 years Son, 12 BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding) BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA) WW filed D February 2016 WW moved out April 2016
I'm sorry you are here. Be strong. Read Sandi2's threads. I have gained SO much knowledge and feel more empowered because of the information gathered there.
Keep posting here. There are so many good people that can help encourage you.
Me - 32 WW - 30 D 11, D 3, D 2 T - 9 years M - 8 years BD - 2/16
Allowing fairs to continue unchallenged is never ever ever a good idea. He's her boss? That affair was easy to nip in the bud. Inform HR. Companies have very very strict policies about such things. Especially employer/employee affairs. If it goes south they can get sued by your WW for sexual harassment and she'd win. Still, at this point you can try DB'ing but honestly you let it get away from you probably too far. My advice is quit worrying about the dying M and focus on your own future post-M.
Yes, it's easy to kill this type of affair, just bark to HR and the CEO/President of the company. They will be scared of any potential sexual harassment lawsuit and the OM will be fired summarily.
I'm not sure if exposing their affair is the right course of action because of the risk of damaging an amicable co-parenting relationship or even possible reconciliation. Also given my betrayal (though it was not an A) my W is holding me 100% at fault for breaking the marriage down at this point in her mind. Me intervening in her affairs at this point would be counted as just abother big character flaw on my part.
I feel the only chance is that she needs to explore this path and if and when it fails she may come around to see what she's lost.
What kills me is that she is prepared to give up a marriage and 50% of her daughter instead of trying to fix our MR. It must be thr addiction of a secret A with her boss.
Me37 W33 T:8 M:5 D3 BD 11/2015 EA+PA w boss 12/2015 S 3/2016
Im stronger because I had to be Im smarter because of my mistakes happier because of the sadness Ive known and now wiser because I learned
