Bumping Elbows with MLC

[Babe]

HaWho, Hang in there !
I found this thread(there is HOPE) did you read these ?
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1260760&page=1

[HaWho]

Hi Bright and Babe. Babe - thanks for those links. I read through those a while back so it is good to re-read. Thank you both for the kind words. Job - thanks for your concern about my sick son.

Just noting this for those studying MLC.

Came home to old h today. Crazy when this one shows up. I actually find it easier to act "as if" with the various other personalities over the old h. I try not to gawk when this one makes his cameo appearance: the white unicorn!

He was in the living room and his body language was of the old h. I knew it was him instantaneously. I had items in my hand and he asked if I needed a hand (just like old h used to do). I said no as my load was light. He asked me a question about the dog, just so present in the here and now, like his old self. He told me he saw x person who knows me and we chatted about that. There was a moment where we made eye contact and they were his eyes--not those dreadful dead eyes.

I wanted to ask this one to come to Easter dinner!! LOL! I did consider asking him if he was aware of what was going on with him and to "blink twice if you do." But S12 was in the room.

Also interesting, this week he has been wearing some of the clothes he wore years ago, pre-BD and he is eating more of the old foods he used to love.

As for me, I have been busy taking care of S12 who is finally better. In between working and caring for him, there has not been time for much else. S and I were able to sleep last night as, thankfully, his fever broke and he was not sick.

Tomorrow S12 will return to school and before work, I will walk with a new friend I have met. Our dogs are good friends, too.

[melweb]

Omg Ha!! You crack me up!! And really? If this whole sitch did not hurt so much, wouldn't it be kind of comical?

Glad your son is feeling better. I hate sick kids!! Hope whatever he had does not decide to make the rounds in your house. Especially if you are making Easter dinner.

Enjoy your walk

[HaWho]

And with the glimpse of old h's personality a little peek out follows. H sent me some pics and then asked me what I thought of them. I hadn't seen them yet and was heading out so I texted him back. I made a joke and he made a few jokes in his old way. He made a few other jokes about other things, too. They are the same exact jokes he made when we first started to date. Literally.

Funny, what a difference a year makes. Last year I would have been so happy with this glimpse of humor. This year? I joked back, but beneath the surface I felt like I have outgrown him and this whole situation. It feels like this crazy 8 pattern. Is it an intentional "hey, I am still here" from him? Or is it some knee jerk leftover synapse like a heart that keeps beating after every other organ fails? Who knows and sadly, he may not even know what it is.

He has taken the reins and made some plans for the four of us for tonight. That is nice. Wonder how long he'll lock himself into the dorm room afterward to recover from it all. I know that crazy 8 pattern awaits.

H once said, in a moment of clarity, that he thought once he turned 50 he will have crossed the Rubicon of his life. He is 47 now.

It is hard to pinpoint when this all started for him; so very gradual was it. I know summer of 2010 he was happy; we were happy. By summer 2012, the irritability and anger was surfacing. So atypical for his usual golden retriever personality. It was visible and I was looking around for its source. I kept asking him why he was so cranky. And he would respond with a ratcheted up dose of irritability. A pattern was born.

So, somewhere between that timeframe the MLC train had left the station. He was angry/irritable/withdrawing for 3-4 years pre-BD. Now, it is almost 1 1/2 years post BD. Looking at this with the greatest optimism, maybe he is halfway through?!?

It's crazy that this is now written into my life story and into my kids' life story. It's hard not to resent that.

In some uplifting news, I finally felt the desire to go clothes shopping! (Sorry to the guys--you can change the channel!!!). So much physical projection has been hurled my way. I am stating to shake that off. I finally see it for what it is so I guess I have processed a lot of it. I bought a lot of pink and it made me happy. I also bought these heels that have a splash of floral print on them. They are super cheerful. The floral print is a bit blurred as though I am in motion. I liked the symbolism of that.

[Babe]

Hi HaWho, spring is here, the idea of getting floral print heels for your closet is just great !!

Recall that I read(Job's word); 18-24 months before BD is when MLCer entering into their transition/crisis and replay lasts for another 18-24 months. Everyone is different, so the time frame of stages of MLC differs.

I felt the desire to dress myself too, this is good isn't it ? We were told to get a life, it was difficult at the beginning when just got bombed... I enjoy shopping, going to a movie, visiting the museum by myself recently.

[melweb]

Floral print heels?! They sound awesome. And I love the symbolism. You go girl!!

Babe--I love your GAL list--very similar to mine. I enjoy the library too.

I need to clothes shop myself. I have lost so much weight during this, that absolutely nothing fits. Its on my to do list for up coming week. Hopefully I can find some floral heels :>

[job]

It takes 18-24 months lead up time to the crisis and another 18-24 months after acceptance for them to settle down into their own skin again. Replay can last for many years, not months. However the lead up and final settling into their skin is just about right in terms of time. The other stages, well, they are unique to the individual and their childhood issues.

I'm glad you got out and did some retail shopping and those floral shoes are the cutest shoes and they are "it" this spring.

[2Times2Many]

HaWho, so glad you were able to indulge in a little retail therapy AND find things that were cheerful.

Those glimpse of the old H may be fleeting and you may know that guy will go into retreat, but at least you know he's still there.

Thanks for your input on my thread. You are a very wise lady!

Hope you have a wonderful Easter weekend.

[HaWho]

Hi Babe, Melweb, 2Times2Many and Job. Thanks for the posts/input.

Somehow h and I were talking alone. We stumble onto talking about life goals as we were discussing S12's courses for next year. Heard some disturbing stuff.

We are discussing s12 working hard, meeting potential, etc. At one point h tells me that guys just hanging out at the beach are happier than h is. Wonderful. I listen. Then he tells me store clerks seem happier than he is, too.

I listen. But it is ridiculous. He makes it sound like if only he would work a minimum wage job all his problems would disappear. Like this will erase all his responsibility. Talk about projective thinking. Like that minimum wage store clerk isn't stressed about paying rent or mortgage here in one of the most expensive areas of the U.S.? Yeah, he just stocks shelves and then owns a beach house and vacations in Europe. So stupid. Because it's such a high quality of life when you make minimum wage. I zipped it but the logic is so silly.

Then he asks if that electric skillet is clean (the one that somehow was not scrubbed). I say yes. (I did it even though I am sure he left it that way. But I took the high road.) He says "finally." He takes the skillet out of the cabinet and somehow some black bits that were under the skillet fall into the floor. He gets mad. I tell him there is a broom; it's no big deal. He says he will clean it up even though it is not his mess because he is a "swell guy."

Meanwhile he made eggs 4 days ago and put some water in the pan but left the the pan on the stovetop. It smells. Since he is so "swell" I ask when he plans to clean his pan. He says he soaked it. (Like that means it'll clean itself?!?) I say inquisitively: "shouldn't one clean the pan he uses?!?" He is quiet and says: yeah. I will leave it for him even if the kitchen starts to take on that dorm roomish essence.

At least this year he knows it's Easter. Last year he was a mess. He texted me yesterday to say he bought the kids a few treats. I validated. That is progress.

I wore my floral print shoes yesterday. So fun!! And I am cooking and baking up a storm for Easter. I am better this year, too. I was in shock this time last year. 4 days from now, last year, I would get BD # 2. This was the "kinky" bomb drop, where h got some wild ideas.

[mleigh4]

Hawho, I just shake my head with your posts about your H sometimes. To look around and think others are happier, to even say it, is so obviously depression. So, by us not guiding them towards getting help or pointing it out, at what point are we enabling it? Acting like that is a normal comment wouldn't feel right to me? I would love some feedback from the vets on that.

I love to hear you are in a better place this year. Cooking and baking for Easter sounds wonderful. I hope you have a great day, you deserve it