Need help. Threading water, learning to swim.

[G8r]

Thank you for the encouragement Sandi2. You're right. Although it feels good to validate, it does NOT come naturally. I have always been a self sufficient person and I often make the mistake that others are the same. Experience has shown this is not true but I can't seem to shake that idea.

[Sotto]

Have you tried consciously practicing validation in less important circumstances and monitored reactions? Maybe with other family members, colleagues and friends?

Validating is a skill and learning improves skills. Perhaps you could seek out an opportunity to validate someone around you every single day until it feels much more natural. That would be lovely for those around you of course, and hopefully nice for you too!

[G8r]

Hi Sotto. I see your point. I practice daily with D3. It comes much more naturally when I validate her feelings. I feel more engaged when I validate her feelings. Sometimes I am engaged when I validate the feelings of my WW. Other times, I'm going through the motions as I bite my tongue. I suspect that has something to do with it but she says the same thing regardless of whether I'm engaged or not. That is why I wonder if it's one of those time that I shouldn't believe what she says. I know there is a kernel of truth there so I do have some work to do but the dichotomy caught my attention as well as the lack of dichotomy as to whether or not I'm engaged or not when validating her directly.

I'll definitely look for other opportunities outside of D3 to validate others. Thank you.

[G8r]

Need ideas / help. My WW's step dad fell and broke his hip. I thought I was showing WW compassion by listening to her and acknowledging her worry / concern. A little while later my WW texted me to say she was sorry she opened up to me since I don't want to be her friend. I ignored that part and validated some more but it feels like I'm missing an opportunity to soften her heart a bit. Any suggestions or advice? Am I fooling myself and becoming a door mat if I allow myself to give emotional support to her if she ask? Part of me wants to tell her to go talk to the om but that doesn't resemble a light house to me. Thank you.

[TimR]

G8r, I think it would be great if you let her know that you will be there if she needs to talk. Maybe say something about we have been together for 10 years no matter what happens with us, I certainly care for your father and saddened to hear about his health. If you need a shoulder to lean on I am hear. If she chooses to talk to you about it then validate, validate, validate!!! But you cannot pressure her to talk to you. That has to be her decision.

As far as her speaking with you and then doing a 180, that the WW. Might have scared herself realizing how much she opened up to you, IDK. But we all know how fickle a species the WW is. Once this way, once that way!

Best of luck to you buddy. Life's a garden, dig it!

[G8r]

Thank you for the encouragement TimR. I needed it. I'll try to validate if the opportunity presents itself.

[G8r]

Haven't been on much as nothing much has changed. Good days and bad days. Days where I want to R and others where I'm ready for D. I've noticed that WW is copying things I do with D3. If I take her to the playground, she does a day or later. I'm not a baker but I started throwing pre made cookies in oven with D3 help and now WW is baking cookies with her. I was counting to 5 when D3 brushes different sections of her teeth and now WW does that as well.

I'm starting to work more on myself. For example, I have been finding new places to walk the dog with D3 or to go walking myself. I actually wwalked about half a marathon this past
weekend. Dog was tired after that. Also thinking I might you tube guitar lessons and try to teach myself to play.

Hope all goes as well as possible for everybody. Vaya con dios.

[TimR]

G8r Wow you are really doing well. Congrats on the progress in the GAL department. I have no clue what to say about WW copying your activities except that she probably does not want to be out shined. Funny how they will make everything about them!! The funny thing I have been thinking about lately is maybe this is not a change in personality but a personality trait and this is how relationships end with this personality type. You know like a narcissist. My IC told me to read articles about a narcissistic wound. I asked my IC (who had me and WW in MC together before I started seeing him individually) if his diagnosis of her would be a narcissist and he smiled and said he did not meet with her enough to diagnose her but could see it in her.