atesja

[roist]

Tell us more about these business trips and the resulting emotions.

[mutatio]

Thank you Dday, I hope all is well.

My wife travels for business at least every 2-3 months. Each trip is for 2-3 days. Sometimes she has had to travel 3 times in 6 weeks. The end of April is for a week. If it is an interesting place she will leave early or stay later, using a weekend to sight see. I do not think she is cheating but I have my fears.

Between my wife's EA/PA and the current state of our marriage I am stressed when she's gone. I was hurt when she had the affair and when shes gone I "wonder". I don't think she's cheating. I think it's rooted in an CBT abandonment schema.

This is an issue of me and my fears, not my wife breaking her vows. With "us" on shaky ground I get anxious when she's gone.

[roist]

As Michel states in one of her videos, any R where emotional needs are not being met within the R, is at risk of infidelity.

Your fears are justified and understandable.You have two options as I see it, but you can do both. In your shoes I would want to rule out or confirm the fear by snooping. If you find nothing it reduces your fear. If you find something I think that could be good for you too. Yes it'll send you in a spin, but all the guilt and self blame and martyrdom you have endured during this saga can finally be put aside. Do not snoop if it is against your convictions and don't get caught. This is not about controlling W, but about helping you.

The second thing you should do is use CBT to deal with your issues and anxiety.I recommend the excel at life website. They have audios and transcripts of audios so you can either listen or read. Or use whatever techniques you have gone through in IC.

A third thing you could do is make the most of the time she is gone. Her presence weighs on you. Her not being there will creat a lighter atmosphere.At this stage you should already be doing whatever you want to do, but plan something extra special for when she is gone.

Best wishes

[mutatio]

I don't snoop. Not because I have a moral issue with it but because what's the point. She either ends up staying married or divorcing. Snooping to manipulate the outcome, is to manipulate her and I don't want that. If she chooses me she has to come to that decision on her own. I did snoop for a while when this all started. I have thought about, usually when I'm tempted and have decided no, I will not. Her choice is 100% hers. That might seem like leaving up to fate and my response to that is exactly.

“Water doesn't know where it's going to flow, it just flows.” ― Bert McCoy

I like the excel at life website. I will check out the info, thanks. In regards to making the most of the time she is gone. I do what I want and enjoy it. They are pleasant distractions whether she is on a trip or just at work. As you know there are those brief moments though when a reflective man struggles. There can be no joy if there is no sadness. They are one in the same.

“Sometimes you just have to take the pie in the face.” ― Bert McCoy

[roist]

The snooping was not to manipulate or control W. It was to give you ease of mind OR to determine if you are on the right course. As for influencing her, isn't that what DB is all about. We do not control what W does but by controlling what we DO etc, we improve ourselves. After that either they do or they don't come round.

Yes I can relate to that reflective man. I know him well. I guess I am filling my mind with other more positive/more helpful stuff. I am doing this to seek self growth but regardless it is a good distraction.Glad the info was to your
liking.

Best wishes

[Zephyr]

Hey mu, out of curiosity...

Your wifes travels seem like a lot, have you ever gone with her...especually for one of the more interesting locations where she thought it would be a good apot for sight seeing?

[mutatio]

Zephyr, my wife does not want to be in the same room with me. I have never gone with her, my job is not flexible and my son is in school. Thanks for the suggestion, it's a good one.

Roiste, thanks for all you insights. I agree, I'll continue to work on myself. I enjoy my activities.

There is nothing new to even mention. I appreciate everyone's advice. Thank you

[roist]

So do something new.......

I am not specifically talking about for your R with W. But I am sure you have not tried everything.You are convinced nothing will work. I can relate to that, but I know I have not tried everything.There are many things we rule out because it is not appropriate or at least we believe it will be seen that way by W. Pursuit is a no no. Declarations of love too. Between that and LRT
there is a world of choice.


I almost overflowed a lot of stuff that would be better said on my own thread. Back to my original comment. Doing something new or just going somewhere new is like a holiday for the brain.It thrives on it. Plus your life becomes that bit more interesting,firstly for you and secondly for your entourage.

Have a good weekend my friend.

[mutatio]

Thank you Roiste, doing something new is good advice. I have to think about that. I have been reacting for the last 15 months. I would like to become more proactive. I need time to explore what my choices are and how they would fit into my family commitments. Great suggestion, thanks.

I am working in the yard today, pruning the dead branches, removing old growth and reshaping the shrubs. I will do the same to myself while I'm at it. Be well

[dday]

Mu, how are you my friend?

Please remember that what your wife says and does, has no weight on your value. You are a great man, father, friend. I have went through dealing with projection. It was very, very tough on me... and made me really doubt my self worth. But, you know what? All that was her mess, and she was trying to make it my fault. I believed it for a good while too.

I ramble. My advice/hopes/whatever for you, is that you aren't too hard on yourself, unnecessarily.

Much love for ya mu!