I was angry during the marriage and it was a problem for my wife. I went to anger management counselling and began meditation and practicing mindfulness. These things helped tremendously with my anger. I do not stay angry or let it build like I used to.
I accept that my wife does not love me at this time and may never will again. I accept her genuine struggle. I love her and will wait and see if it changes. I am home to be with my kids as much as possible. If my wife chooses the path of divorce I will relocate in the west. Realistically I will see much less of my kids if this happens so I savor every moment I can get with them. I am very happy spend my free time with my kids, cooking them dinner, even just being under the same roof. My relationship with my son has never been better.
How would anger make things better for me? I have never had good results from a tantrum. Please explain how it would make my life better Vanilla, would it spur another step in evolution? What insight does anger bring to the table?
Hi Mutatio. I continue to see many similarities between us. Like yourself, I used (and occasionally still do) have issues with anger management. I don't have the patience to meditate but I suppose I practice mindfulness when I pray and think of the things for which I am grateful. I also have realized that I was angry because it is so much easier to feel than sorrow or sadness.
As I have become more comfortable feeling sadness, sorrow and other negative emotions, the need to manage my anger has diminished. The point I'm trying to make is that I'm working on finding balance feeling and expressing my emotions. Could the pendulum have swung too far towards sadness, regret and penitence with you? I don't think there is anything wrong with feeling those emotions or self reflection which tends to conjure those emotions in situations such as ours. Just that we need balance to grow.
Plants need water to survive but too much rain without any sunshine will stunt their growth and could precipitate their demise.
Btw, I struggle with this. In my teens, I decided stoicism was the way to go because all emotions felt overwhelming. That was an impossible task which is why the anger would explode from time to time. Interestingly, my WW also compared my emotional expression to that meme of a cat showing different emotions. There was no difference for me. One of my180s is to change that image. I want her to see differentiated emotions outside of anger and sadness.
Vaya con dios.
Me:44 W:38 T:10.5 M:7.5 D:3 BD: 7/2015 W moves out of MBR: 9/2015 WW files for D: 2/8/2016
This discussion of anger is very intriguing. For most of my life, people always described me as stoic, patient, "zen", having a long fuse.
However, as I gave so much of myself to my H, baring myself emotionally, mentally, physically...there had to be a shift. While trying to make him understand how I felt after one of the first times I caught him "flirting", I got very frustrated and started crying. I couldn't remember ever crying, and kept apologizing. He told me,"its ok, its because you love me so much". Well, that was just the beginning. As things got worse, I cried more and then started letting anger out as yelling and storming. It was unhealthy for me and for our relationship. It was borderline abuse. Although I had aright to be angry at his behavior, it was not a healthy way to deal with it. I still remember H saying, "stop beating me up." That is exactly what it was.
At this point, I am trying so hard to get back to being patient and "zen" again. But with a difference, and the difference is key. Before, I had no visible anger because I either didn't care (not invested in the problem) or I CONTROLLED it. Now I'm practicing more mindfulness, and letting the emotion come, naming and recognizing it, then letting it go, as others above had mentioned. It is a large difference.
Anger is like an animal. I tried this weekend to CONTROL a horse. It threw me. I made the rookie mistake of not recognizing the animal, naming it, and respecting its animal nature. I should have then just worked WITH it according to its nature, needs, and timeline.
Its ok to have anger. We just need to know that we should not try to let it it throw us due to our misunderstanding of what it is and our need to control it. Its just an emotion; a reaction to a situation.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
I came at anger from the opposite end of the spectrum, ego, but through mindfulness techniques have arrived at the same destination. It is wonderful to have a proven technique to quench the fire. Mindfulness has changed my life.
Clear red anger, as in ready to strike when I am being physically attacked. This is physical and against another, kung-fu fu fighting anger. Such as when a mugger tried to take my handbag, I bit him.
Dark Red explosive spitting anger with tight stomach knots, reactive screaming banshee. Always outwards towards another such as in response to WH ranting at me. Illogical rants and quite childish. 'So there'.
Black storm cloud erring volcanic anger, volatile murderous anger for battle. Depersonalising others. Completely out of control. Attacking. Never had this and always I fear WH is on the edge of it. It always seems to me this is a 'male' style of anti social, personality disordered type of anger.
Pink shimmery glisening anger , constant lower grade blaming the world type of anger, never goes away. WH rails against the world, wrong bacon, apple juice rant, blame blame blame, blame.
Grey-green smooth but sticky passive aggressive, revenge type anger, I will get you before you get me. Sabotaging anger, not really my style but my friend has it. Get you back first type, make your suffer even if you don't know it.
Bile green anger and snot textured, judging others constantly, my mother has this in spades. Getting irritated about who others are. Disliking them for any reason, race, orientation, politics, size, wealth etc etc. WH goes to this big time. Hidden envy? Exclusion.
Bumpy slithery itchy scaly misted glass anger under the skin directed at self. Self harming, blaming, mutilatino, picking scabs, turned inwards anger. Not my style either in general.
White directed clear transparent anger, drive motivation and direction. Get things done and righting wrongs. Get to the gym style, becoming the one only a fool would leave. Get on with it. Winning, Olympic gold. Solid determination.
Light breeze misty directionless slightly irritated with no focus like looking through a glass with no substance. Emptiness. V more afraid although that's not it either. Just nothing. Where I am situated floating, tackling things, can be focused although usually treading water.
I think we need anger for direction.
This is my way of looking at anger Mu. My lack of white anger is holding me back.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I still get angry, just not very often. What I don't do is rage anymore. I know understand that frustration is a lower rung on the climb to anger and work to defuse it then, not let it grow. For the most part it is working.
Yesterday was my birthday. I got a text from my wife in the morning "Happy birthday Mutatio". In the evening I opened cards and gifts. No card or gift from my wife. She did sing happy birthday with my kids. I have to admit I was disappointed with her choice of no card or gift. Next month is her birthday and I have to decide what I want to do about it. She has not worn the earrings I bought her for Christmas.
I will keep trying and not give up on saving this marriage but I am beginning to see that there are limits to what I chose to endure.
I am sorry for your disappointment.IIt was predictable IMO. But she did choose to write a text message and she was present and she did participate.SSmall condolences but still three positive points.
I have more to say to you my friend.But until then birthday greetings from Europe
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
