Ghost Busting - Time to accept what is happening

[ATPeace]

RD I am not talking her asking her to work on things we just pass like ships in the night

I want to work on spending more time together doing things with each other in the hope that we could build a new relationship but with the times that I work and the times that she works how can this be repaired especially as she does not want it to be.

She is content just to let us drift further and further apart until there is nothing

My two year old will grow up knowing that mummy and daddy love her very much but that mummy does not love daddy and they have to live apart

Cycle time I just want this to be fixable but I cannot fix this

[Sotto]

I don't think any woman worthy of your love is going to worry about stuff like that. I think this is more about your own sense of self worth and your worry that (because your W has rejected you) you may not be worthy of love. Brene Browns TED talks are worth a look.

I imagine like many of us, you were made as a child to somehow feel not enough. Are you still seeing your IC and exploring areas like these?

We all have parts of our bodies we like less than others - probably if someone else saw them, they would wonder why we were worrying.

You are worthy of love, but focus on building up your self esteem and sense of worth for now xx

[rd500]

Hi G , I think you accepting that your in a chesseless tunnel is a big step forward and as for dealing with it worse than others , maybe but maybe your more honest.

I was happily surprised at your weight loss as it shows you can decide to do something and follow it through It is your stich so obviously you have to live it day by day BUT your is far from bad in regard to how your W is treating you

As regards to your looks and other future partners. Any genuine lady will be attracted to you and not just your looks G , I'm not an attractive man but I have no problem meeting ladies and trust me it's not based on my looks !!!!!

As for you self image problems downstairs , least of your worries mate , When you get that far in an R , the person in question won't be carrying a ruler !!

Your right about no chance of a R with W right now , she's not interested because she's going to be so much happier on her own ---- THIS IS HOWS SHE FEELS RIGHT NOW ---- Feelings change G but for now accept this is how W is thinking and everything else is an obstacle stoping her getting there

Stay strong G , you are turning a corner , just don't stop as your half way round it

Take care. Rd

[vise82]

hey AP,

How is your part of the separation agreement going? Are you doing the work to protect you and your kids?

[ATPeace]

Not done anything with the separation agreement yet she has not even been to see a soliciter

I am currently in no hurry to move things forward tho I do realise I need to be strong and take control of this

[Sotto]

Hi Ghost - so you say you're in no hurry to move things forward but realise you need to be strong and take control of this.

Do you mean separating. Yes, if you've decided you guys need to separate (and posters would seem to concur) then start to make your own plans. As a general rule, I would take control of any areas needed to get you and the family settled and sorted. Those would include housing, financial and custody/visitation arrangements.

For me, I've tried to be solid and pro active in terms of self-preservation/protection of myself - getting due legal advice and holding out for a fair division of our assets. However, in terms of divorce - having told H that isn't what I want - I have merely reacted. I sit back and let those event be led by him, I'm advised by my L and I respond. Because it isn't 'my' divorce, it's 'his.'

Hope this helps a little - I guess I'm just saying. Get to a point of clarity on your game plan and understand where you need to take a lead and where you will leave your W to move things along (or not.)

Xx

[sandi2]

I want to work on spending more time together doing things with each other in the hope that we could build a new relationship but with the times that I work and the times that she works how can this be repaired especially as she does not want it to be.

She is content just to let us drift further and further apart until there is nothing

I feel the reason you are stuck is b/c you vacillate between saying what we have told you about needing to separate from her.....and what you have said above.

I would think every LBS has the same desire as you do. Sometimes, we have to accept the fact that what we want and what we need to do are two different roads.

You see separating as ending the M. However, if you would go ahead and just do it.....it might eventually be the start of a new MR. You can see that staying in the same house is not working.

[vise82]

Hey AP,

I agree with Sandi,

The separation is not the end, Everything in my sitch is set up for us to have two houses now once the current one sells.

I have not been thinking its the end. It has taken a lot of pressure off the sitch. And yes I realize that it may end in D but it is also a chance for something new to evolve. And because we are DBing and have kids you will always have contact and W will be in a situation to be able to see your DBing progress.

You said nothing is moving forward with the separation. Is W happy with that or is she still saying that living with you is not a true separation?

I agree to hold off and let her do the work. I also thought that W was moving ahead with the separation work. If she does then you also do what work you need to do for your side. For me I held off until W sent a letter from a lawyer that either I worked on a separation agreement or W was going to take me to court. I started to work on the S agreement by seeing a lawyer first. Then we worked out the bulk of the issues. W lawyer wrote up the agreement. Now I just have to see my lawyer to sign it.

My W could not see my changes because she was so worked up about getting a S agreement. now that is out of the way she can see me and my changes.

Where is your W now with the way it is in the house?

[Huddy]

I'll add my agreement to everybody else here, you need to get some space here from your W. Just in case you missed it I REGRET NOT MOVING OUT OR SEPARATING AT THE START AS I THINK IT WOULD BE OVER BY NOW. Sorry for pointing it out, again, but whilst I can see you are improving yourself (gym etc.) I think your W won't notice because you are both wrapped up in stress and anxiety.

Yes, it's gonna be really hard and everybody here knows exactly what the feeling is like. We all wish it was over, but doing nothing and sitting wringing your hands for an answer isn't gonna help. Be proactive, not reactive. A house is just bricks - it's what's in it that's worth fighting for.

Come on man, you can do this!

[ATPeace]

I want to work on spending more time together doing things with each other in the hope that we could build a new relationship but with the times that I work and the times that she works how can this be repaired especially as she does not want it to be.

She is content just to let us drift further and further apart until there is nothing

I feel the reason you are stuck is b/c you vacillate between saying what we have told you about needing to separate from her.....and what you have said above.

I would think every LBS has the same desire as you do. Sometimes, we have to accept the fact that what we want and what we need to do are two different roads.

You see separating as ending the M. However, if you would go ahead and just do it.....it might eventually be the start of a new MR. You can see that staying in the same house is not working.

Hi sandi thank you for checking in with me I have good days and bad days even good hours and then bad hours

I think he reason that I see the separation as the ending of the marrage is because my wife is adament that when the house sells she will divorce me

What I do know is being in the house with her right now is not fun

The past 25 years she has told me everywhere she has gone out and we talked about who and wher she went not all she says is u am out tonight so my mind races

If we're in seperate houses then I do not get to see this

Things do have to change I know this