There is certainly a lot on your plate, the stresses of your divorce being out there, WH bull $hit, bills, work, uugh.
I really get a sense that helping folks here is maybe therapudic for you, or helps keep your mind off of things? I lnow that when i spent a ton of time here it actually got me down, between the constsnt bad news, influx of pain and the constant hopelessness i was seeing...i had to step away and spend less time here.
I love all of the support and kindess snd the genuine growth that we see every day, and the help you give to folks is unbelievable ...these are.certainly rewarding things to see and hear, however maybe a reduced time from here for a.little to try something else out to do.
Youve said you work a ton and go to gym and have a couple of other activites, glam sis what are your social gal activites?
Idk, i am spittballing...you seem to understsnd everyone else so much better than i do you...is there something more you can find to do that you can count on for social engagement?
I could be off base, i hate to hear you hurting ao i am just reaching.
There is certainly a lot on your plate, the stresses of your divorce being out there, WH bull $hit, bills, work, uugh.
I really get a sense that helping folks here is maybe therapeutic for you,
Some times yes, on other occasions not so much.
or helps keep your mind off of things?
No, it focuses me.
I lnow that when i spent a ton of time here it actually got me down, between the constsnt bad news, influx of pain and the constant hopelessness i was seeing...i had to step away and spend less time here.
This was my response to Zues when he expressed his distress, and it seems appropriate and if and when you detach (as in your sitch,) then I believe this will change, the sense of distress will ease, in the same way that helping those who are going bankrupt or in fin problems staying calm and offering support assists, it's a growth.
Perhaps Zeph if you see yourself as an embryonic vet, that you consider that there is so much to learn and that coming to terms with this is YOUR journey, YOUR growth, YOUR wonderment, YOUR higher power.
This is not selfish, it is self-centred.
This is detaching beyond your sitch. It is allowing others to take from your posts what they will. I learned a very important lesson recently, very important, that was that others have the right to disagree and dismiss although they do not have the right to abuse or invalidate.
Being here is helping me learn and I get a great deal of feedback on my views. I am growing in my understanding daily.
----------------------------
So this is my post:
I think Zues, I used to feel the same (about Newcombers sitches being distressing).
The waves of pain and hurt of the LBS.
I guess I detached, I think it's because the journey of the LBS has its rewards and it's healing. It is about a new dawn.
It is about resurrection, in general I see the LBS with the connection and shift, I read that despite the pain they emerge better parents, better lovers, better friends, more capable of healthy R, and a new M.
It is very very rare that the wayward (not walk away) has the better journey. And I am unconvinced that there is happiness in this.
So here in Newcombers there is higher turnaround, more pain, more dispair, more personal journey, and big big secret that you already know, progress and ultimately healing.
I find it encouraging and enlightening plus truly inspiring to be part off that journey. What a privilege and an honour. You more than most here have been consistent and loving in your posts. I have different views often, softer and more marshmallow, but my lovely Zues says it as it is.
I love all of the support and kindess snd the genuine growth that we see every day, and the help you give to folks is unbelievable ...these are.certainly rewarding things to see and hear, however maybe a reduced time from here for a little to try something else out to do.
I also am involved in my Gamanon group. I limit my time here to a maximum of an hour a day although I spend a further hour or so in personal development before I post.
Youve said you work a ton and go to gym and have a couple of other activites, glam sis what are your social gal activites?
I do cinema every Wednesday and I dance jive (Ceroc) regularly.
Idk, i am spittballing...you seem to understand everyone else so much better than i do you...is there something more you can find to do that you can count on for social engagement?
I go on courses and I understand differently. Two years ago I was blissfully ignorant of all of this and this is what my higher power needs of me.
I could be off base, i hate to hear you hurting ao i am just reaching.
I am reaching back. I also like sleep!! This is my journey and I accept it.
Big hugs for u V
And to you.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Hey V, just wanted to let you know I am taking your advice and working on the letter. I am not going to post on the forum because I am not that far emotionally to put something so internal out there. But I am writing it in my journal. Who knows when it is finished I may post it but too uncomfortable right now.
Just to clarify, I do look up to my father and grandfather and love them both. I also felt loved by them both, but never felt shown that love and compassion.
BTW our culture is German so that may have something to do with it.
Me 41 W 33 M 2013 Suspect A 11/15 Confirm A 1/16 She moved out 2/14/16 Stepson 13 Stepson 16
Hi V. Just checking in. I am sorry to hear that you continue to have to deal with the BS WH left behind. You are an amazing and strong woman and I admire they way you have handled all of this. Yes, it is a mess, but it is getting more and more tidy every day. This is an amazing time in your life. Chaotic, broken, intimidating, frightening--but also hopeful, invigorating, freeing.
It helps me to think of some of the national and global disasters that have recently impacted our world. The two that were close to home for me 9/11 and Sandy--I remember those life changing moments when everything all fell apart. The unthinkable had happened. I remember shock, the quiet after shock, the inspired call to action, the frustrating process of accepting a new normal, the forgetting exactly how horrific those moments was, and then remembering when you least expect it. Remembering when you have to remember because it is time to reflect on how far we have come.
It's been over 15 years since 9/11 and I see the freedom towers when I drive passed and through the city, and I often forget that they weren't always there. That for a long time there was a hole. It has been 4 or 5 years now since Sandy? And I see the homes of my loved ones--restored for a while, and now again under construction as the raise them high in the air to avoid another flood. And I realize that I forgot how intense every aspect of those disasters were. How the pendulum swung from panic, to immobilized shock, to inspired action, to a new normal, and now, looking back, I see the progress.
Every once in a while we need to look back and remember the pain so we can see how far we have come. Reading the newcomer's forums help me with that, even though sometimes it is too painful to go back. But things are so much better now--even though we still have a long way to go before we can admire our own personal freedom towers, our own raised homes. We are doing the work we need to do to raise ourselves above the chaos caused by our WHs.
Love and prayers to you my friend. MS
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
So you didn't say if you accepted the maggot's friend request Sorry couldn't help it.
Originally Posted By: Vanilla
Perhaps Zeph if you see yourself as an embryonic vet, that you consider that there is so much to learn and that coming to terms with this is YOUR journey, YOUR growth, YOUR wonderment, YOUR higher power.
This is not selfish, it is self-centred.
This is detaching beyond your sitch. It is allowing others to take from your posts what they will. I learned a very important lesson recently, very important, that was that others have the right to disagree and dismiss although they do not have the right to abuse or invalidate.
Hey V, I have thought about this post for a while. I do not consider myself any sort of Vet or will I ever get there, who knows. I try to help where I can, I just don't think that I've been able to devote the kind of time to the community that is necessary. I am barely able to keep my own head above water sometimes. I've only been able to really focus on a few sitch's and when those people fade away from the boards it is difficult to pick up and start fresh with others.
There are many I've never posted on their threads, because I can't go back and reread the entire history. I will continue to read them when I can.
As for learning, I have a ton to learn about abusive pasts, MLC, and marriage in general. I know there is soooooo much more to learn and I have made it one of my goals to continue to read new materials on these topics. Job listed a thread of suggested materials. now I know I will never get through that whole thing, but I will keep looking at it and grabbing new suggestions as I finish others.
One thing I was hoping to gain clarity on from your post...maybe I am overreading, maybe I am thick and I missed your point...self-centered to me always had a pretty severe, negative connotation...almost to the point, nearing narcissistic.
Sorry couldn't help it.