That's not how I see it... If I don't leave a message, it's usually because I didn't have anything special to say, or I know I will be unavailable later. If I have something special to say, I'll leave a message, if nothing else to say, call me.
But you know what her particular pattern is. Does she usually leave a message? Would the two of you normally call back if you saw the other had called? Should you be that available in this new situation?
Let her keep reaching out to you. At the very most, use Zues option #2.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Detaching/moving on can be a fine line to walk. If you want your W back then you can't be too detached. If she thinks there's no possibility then she'll give up. Since you know her better than anyone then you have to know where that limit is. If you're too unavailable she may just figure it's over for good and move on. I was truly detached from my wife and wanted to move on. She pursued. Still, if I had remained too detached and was never available to her then she would have given up and moved on. What helped me was I never said never to her. If she asked if we could ever work it out I always answered "maybe". I never closed the door completely. Do that and you leave her no choice. I know it's crappy advice "detach but don't detach too much." I get it, that [censored], but we can't tell you exactly how far to distance yourself from her. What worked, or didn't work, for us might not work for you. You have to use your personal knowledge of your W to know the "right" thing to do in your situation.
I agree with Painter - what's you guys' normal pattern?
Also so much time has passed between the time she called and now so technically, you were unavailable and not pursuing. I dont know...I could be wrong.
"Be messy and complicated and afraid and show up anyways."
Hi NYG, in your sitch I think it is good for you to be relatively dim contact-wise. I also favour the do not respond option. After all, if it was something important, she would have left a message.
If you do want to contact her, I would go with something like - hey, noticed I missed a call from you yesterday. I'm around today (but have plans this evening) if you need to get in touch :-)
I think this satisfies your need to respond, keeps it light and let's her know you have a life. Then, just leave it and if she needs to get in touch she will.
Take care & have a good weekend :-)
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thanks everyone. I texted this morning: I see you called. How are you today? W: Average. How are you? About the same. (Then my tale of woe: dead battery!!) W: my mom is praying for you. And for me. NYGAl: I like that W: me too.
Note: this is the second time she said her mom is praying for each of us. ( not for US but I'll still take it!)
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Thanks everyone. I texted this morning: I see you called. How are you today? W: Average. How are you? About the same. (Then my tale of woe: dead battery!!) W: my mom is praying for you. And for me. NYGAl: I like that W: me too.
Note: this is the second time she said her mom is praying for each of us. ( not for US but I'll still take it!)
Personally I think this is an awesome interaction. Not too close, not too far away. Very good.
Last Sunday W texted she's so sorry. Monday she texted she wanted to talk. Then she backed out. Then she called yesterday morning but didn't leave a message. We texted a little today.
How can I move this thing along??
One of the things she was hinting at in the brief convo this week was that she doesn't know where things stand or what I'm thinking or something. At what point can I just say, I WANT TO COME HOME!!!!! I WANT YOU BACK!!!!!!
When she says she appreciates me so much more and says she hopes I appreciate her more, what do I say?????????
I'm so afraid of making a mistake, but I feel that not being honest is just playing games. How can I move this along and quit just waiting?
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Can you put this in a little more context? How did this go down?
Maybe brainstorm some statements that tell her you care about her, that you are sad about what had happened and wish it never had, but that you are not willing to jump back in without some reassurance that things have changed? Because I sincerely hope you aren't!
She doesn't want to go back to the way it was, I think. It sounds like she is liking some of the changes - like taking care of the house by herself. This will have to go very slowly, I don't think she is ready for you to move back in.
I think your best bet is to get to where you really don't need her as much. You can't say what you want to say, you have to sit very still for a long time. Do you meditate?
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Zues