Baby steps

[Painter]

Well, the die is cast - my son is coming in 3 weeks to help me load up and drive 1000 miles back with all my stuff. It will be a very strange feeling. I don't expect to ever come back to this state or see my home again, and I've lived here for 15 years.

H is also hurting - but not enough to call it all off. He wants space and time to find out if he misses me or not. I'm pretty sure he'll 'stay busy' and not miss me at all, I told him I bet there will be another woman in here within 3 months. (3 weeks if it's OW.)

He keeps talking about maybe coming to visit, or even move after me - if I get a good job and he doesn't have to work full-time. I think he's just comforting himself and trying to feel a little better about the whole thing, that if it's not final, it's not so painful. For me, it just increases the pain by dragging it out.

I have been packing today, and made sure to pack a smaller box with CDs for the drive. It's all Aretha Franklin and other girl power music. My poor son...

This is going to be rough.

[Phoebe]

Oh, Painter. I am so sorry that all of this has happened to you, and after so many signs that gave you hope. That hope given and then taken back again is the cruelest thing that so many of us face. You have given your relationship the best possible chance it could have had. Stay strong.

[Painter]

Thank you, Phoebe. I was thinking it was going to be good to get off the rollercoaster, but now I'm just sad and heartbroken. Giving up is just so hard for me to do.

I want to DB for the next 3 weeks and not show H how sad I am, but I have no idea how I'll manage. It was easier when I felt there was hope.

[Ginger1]

You aren't giving up. You are moving on. What you are doing is brave and what you need to do to take care of you. It takes 2 to make it work. I hope your move gives you a beautiful new beginning.

[Painter]

Thank you, Ginger.

There is a small possibility that I can have the year I originally wanted and remain local, working where I am established already. Waiting for feedback to see if the owner of the place can commit to hiring me on a monthly basis. He wants to, but I don't know if he can afford it. I can tell from how I feel that it's what I would prefer. Also have my own place and not live in my son's guest room.

H wants us to act as if everything is okay until I leave. He talked to someone who invited us to dinner today (I've never met them) and he wants me to go. I guess it's his normal state of denial...

Should I go?

[Painter]

I went to dinner with H's old friend and his family. They hadn't seen each other in almost 40 years. It was very nice, they were great people. Very real and down to earth, lovely people to spend an evening with. Took my thoughts off what's coming for a few hours.

I asked H if he didn't think it was strange to go to dinner together and introduce me to an old friend as his wife when I'm leaving shortly? He didn't think so. "We're still married," was his reply.

Does anyone have any insight for me? Guys? (All my girlfriends thinks it's very odd.)

[Sotto]

Hi Painter, from what you post, your H still sounds pretty conflicted to me. If you would prefer to stay local for a while, go for it. If you guys S, you can still focus on rebuilding your life and being minimally available to him. I do think there is less chance of reconciliation if there's a huge geographical distance involved - though I guess it depends if he has links with the area you would be going to.

JMHO of course & good luck with whatever you decide

[Painter]

Looks like I won't be staying local. I asked H to be really honest with me about what he feels, that if OW is still in the picture or he knows that he wants to separate with the intention of D, and is not interested in reconciling, I needed him to tell me so I can make the decisions that are best for me if the M is lost. He kept saying that the job market is so much better there (who cares!) and I was so happy when I visited (I do like it a lot better than this area), but finally said it wasn't right to keep me in limbo so I should go to start a new life where son lives.

He went to his room when I was packing last night, said he couldn't watch because it was so painful for him. I couldn't help saying that it was good for him that he didn't actually have to do it, then.

I read a sentence in a book the other day that stuck with me - about how easy it is to ignore the impulse to do good.

[Painter]

It seems like it's been a really quiet weekend here? Hopefully that means everyone is out GALlivanting!

I went to church today and had a lovely time, but it was tough, too, knowing how much I will miss it and the people there.

I'm not doing very well with DB'ing. I suppose I should make more of an effort, although it feels moot and I am really down and sad right now.

For the most part I'm nice and we cooperate well about household issues. I made H laugh a lot today and yesterday, but towards the evening it gets harder to keep the facade up. Something about the dark has always triggered anxiety for me. I guess with the night, there's no hope that anything will change for the better today.

I know I say things that make him feel guilty, and that is of course not very attractive. I'm not moping, but some of my anger and bitterness comes through at times. I tell myself they are truth darts, but maybe not...
I also tell him that I feel that this entire thing is surreal, especially because we get along fine 75% of the time.

He just repeats that he's not able to know what he feels with me here. He wants space. He is sad that I am moving out, but still wants me to (for some reason, that almost makes it worse).

What also makes it harder for me, is that this is not my country. I am fortunate to have my son here, but he is all I have.

Tomorrow, H will find out if he gets laid off (we don't think so, but these situations are unpredictable), and we are also taking our old dog to be put down this week. It's a very high level of stress for us both.

I wish for us all here that we wouldn't have to go through any of this. Not a single one of us have deserved this.

[Painter]

H's job is safe, so that's good news.

We are putting the oldest dog to sleep on Wednesday. He is getting weaker and is clearly miserable. It's been a year of steady downhill. We got him when our M was new - it brings back a lot of memories.

I am focusing on the things I can do in the city I'm moving to (it's quite rural here). Looking up activities online and contacting friends I made there when I visited before. It helps more than I expected to turn my mind onto that.

Also realized that it would be too easy to turn to H for support if I stayed close. When I move so far away, I *have* to manage on my own.

I still can't make complete sense of his behavior. I would like to understand so I can respond appropriately. I can't tell if he is conflicted, or relieved I'm leaving and just eating cake. Tonight, he came into my office and stroked my hair, commenting on how soft it was. He keeps touching me and looking at me.

I have spent some time thinking about how it was before he switched. That's how it has been for the majority of the time, so that's most likely reality. I'm trying not to let this throw me.