My first post - please be nice.

[collin]

Sandi,
That is a very good question. I've been thinking since yesterday how to answer it and I'm still not exactly sure. I've written a response and deleted it several times now. I guess that crux of it is, I wasn't the husband I should've been. I never went out of my way to make her feel loved. What I am really beating myself up for now is looking back, I see instances where she was begging for me to show her and I didn't.

My parents relationship (when I was a child) was so volatile. I don't know if that ruined my impression of how a marriage is supposed to look or not. Their relationship is not so destructive now, but I don't know how much of it is because my father feels guilty. My grandparents had a wonderful relationship, but my grandfather passed away 20 years ago (good grief...has it been that long) and my grandmother 15 years ago.

My W and I (officially) starting dating on NYE and got married that August. Perhaps it was a bit rushed. But I just couldn't see myself NOT ever being with her. She was a single mother of a beautiful little girl. She had done such a good job of raising her. She had been through a lot but was still holding onto faith.

I guess what I mean by I don't know how not to be her H, is that, I love her dearly. I didn't always show it, but I felt it. Just for whatever reason things that seem small and stupid to me, are what meant the most to her. She isn't a materialistic person, but an example is: I didn't think Valentines Day was that big of a deal. I thought we were married, we shared the same banking account, if she wanted something, she could go buy it. I thought that as long as I said "happy valentines day" somehow that made everything all better. But, looking back, would it really of hurt to buy her a card, some chocolate, some roses, something...?

I wish I could've been the man she wanted. Maybe I still have a shot, but it will be in the future. For now, she "wants to be alone" and has "lost all desire to fight for our relationship". Hard words to hear, but words I don't fault her for. She said she thinks we are better friends that spouses. I just don't know how capable of being a "friend" I am.

[Georgia Bulldogs]

"I love you but I'm not in love with you" and "I need/want space" are code words for affairs. If you haven't ruled it out absolutely...you must because how you handle a wayward wife situation is completely different than how you handle a walk away wife situation.

When my wife cheated I also got pursued for sex because OM lived 1000 miles away from us and she needed to release her [their] pent up sexual energy. If your wife is doing the same thing....consider that she's likely having just an emotional affair with someone local or very far away with a lot of sexuality involved. Once the affair becomes actually physical (which she fully intends to explore the idea and then do after she moves out) wayward wives typically no longer have any desire to have any sex with you. You become gross in comparison to wonderful OM.

It's also suspicious how invested she is in you keeping this a secret from her friends and parents If you were that bad....she'd be leaning on them for support and comfort during this difficult process of separating from her awful neglectful husband. Instead she's keeping it a secret which leads me to believe she wants the space strictly to pursue another man and test her feelings about him once she's out. This is typical wayward thinking....she doesn't want to decide today what she wants forever so she insists on keeping all options open to her and continue with her secret relationship while you remain her open back up plan.


Also...if you were a neglectful husband, consider that the 180 plan for you is to be the opposite of how you were. I'm not suggesting you shower her with gifts and "I love you's" but fully doing Sandy's list as laid on on these forums is not really doing Michele Weiner Davis's 180 plan. You've got one month to demonstrate you care and that you can change your priorities and become a better husband. Once she moves out....then you can flip or alter your 180 plan to focus more on you. Otherwise, Sandi's plan will just reinforce to your wife that you really don't care about her.

Therefore, in my opinion, I think you should snoop on her using a voice activated digital recorder hidden in her car so that you can determine once and for all whether your wife is engaged in an emotional or physical affair. I'm not suggestion unhealthy snooping whereby you obsess day and night over watching and spying on her. Rather a short term investigative process whereby you seek to discover the absolute truth about your life. Don't ask her....she won't tell you or admit anything until you have irrefutable evidence. The wall of denial is steep. Get the truth. If she's cheating, you'll need to get off this "oh I ruined my marriage" crap and on to "I need to save my wife from making the biggest mistake of her life".

Your church also needs to be aware if she is behaving adulterous. She shouldn't be leading.

Oh...if she's cheating...you don't help her move out. If not...you can help.

[collin]

Bulldog,
I guess I really don't understand my plan of attack. Because (i know don't believe half of what she says and all of what she does) she's pretty much explicitly said that she IS moving out. I don't know if I tried to change to her mind if it would do any good or just hurt. Because when I do try to talk her about it, she claims I don't respect her or her decision to move out.

So, it may be wrong way to approach it. But i've just been using this time as a waiting period, a calm before the storm if you would. Then once she leaves, start dating my wife the way I should've been doing. I'll take her out, take her home, walk her to her door and tell her goodnight.

She's throwing mixed signals to me though. She's talking about there's a reason why they give you a year, so you can try to work it out. Then, on the other hand, she says, why don't you want me to be happy? what if i meet someone and find someone who shows me he loves me? I told her then, I don't know if you feel like you need to go live the single life and go dating or whatever, but that's not what i'm going to do. I'm going to take this time to work on me, to make me a better me, to be a better husband for you. She then was like, i never said i was going to go looking for date. I told her well guys just don't fall out of the sky (and then yes, i had "it's raining men" stuck in my head for a while after that).

And, for what it's worth...she still is agreeing to go to counseling (once she's moved). So, I guess I still have that to hold on to. That even with her moving out, counseling is still on the table. I just don't want to press my luck and press the issue and then her not want to go to counseling.

I think (my opinion - but I am certainly open to others) that my best bet now is to not do anything to make her mad. Not try to pursue anything. Just sort of be a really good roommate for now. Help cook, clean, take care of dogs, take daughter places, etc... So when she moves out, she'll be like..."well dang...now what?"

[Georgia Bulldogs]

Bulldog,
I guess I really don't understand my plan of attack. Because (i know don't believe half of what she says and all of what she does) she's pretty much explicitly said that she IS moving out. I don't know if I tried to change to her mind if it would do any good or just hurt. Because when I do try to talk her about it, she claims I don't respect her or her decision to move out.

So, it may be wrong way to approach it. But i've just been using this time as a waiting period, a calm before the storm if you would. Then once she leaves, start dating my wife the way I should've been doing. I'll take her out, take her home, walk her to her door and tell her goodnight.

She's throwing mixed signals to me though. She's talking about there's a reason why they give you a year, so you can try to work it out. Then, on the other hand, she says,why don't you want me to be happy? what if i meet someone and find someone who shows me he loves me? I told her then, I don't know if you feel like you need to go live the single life and go dating or whatever, but that's not what i'm going to do. I'm going to take this time to work on me, to make me a better me, to be a better husband for you. She then was like, i never said i was going to go looking for date. I told her well guys just don't fall out of the sky (and then yes, i had "it's raining men" stuck in my head for a while after that).

And, for what it's worth...she still is agreeing to go to counseling (once she's moved). So, I guess I still have that to hold on to. That even with her moving out, counseling is still on the table. I just don't want to press my luck and press the issue and then her not want to go to counseling.

I think (my opinion - but I am certainly open to others) that my best bet now is to not do anything to make her mad. Not try to pursue anything. Just sort of be a really good roommate for now. Help cook, clean, take care of dogs, take daughter places, etc... So when she moves out, she'll be like..."well dang...now what?"

My affair alarm bells are going off even stronger right now.

why don't you want me to be happy? what if i meet someone and find someone who shows me he loves me?

That is basically telling you her game plan.....she intends to move out and then suddenly [sooner than she realizes] announce that she's met someone new that loves her for her and makes her very happy and to heck with anyone and everyone else that doesn't want her to be happy....because she's EARNED happiness [entitlement].

Problem is....she already knows and has a close relationship with this person.

I'm not suggesting you do anything to make her mad. Just behind the scenes very carefully and without getting caught snoop on her for a short period of time to inspect what you expect. Talking to her about it won't accomplish anything but denials and feigned anger and then blame shifting the problems on you. If you let on that you are super suspicious she may take the affair underground and make it even harder to catch her. IF she's cheating...you need to know because plan appeasement as evidence by your words:

"I think that my best bet now is to not do anything to make her mad"

Doesn't work.

I know you are scared and nervous. I know you are walking on eggshells right now and trying desperately to logic your way through this. Right now you are fighting a battle for your marriage. In war....information is paramount. You need to SITREP the battlefield before you prepare and implement a faulty battle plan for your situation. I know the thought of your wife cheating just doesn't make sense. It didn't for me either. I didn't believe want to believe it and I listened to the tapes several times to try to find a way to convince myself it wasn't true. But if you love her and she's cheating she NEEDS you to step up and save her from this (or, at least, for yourself, TRY to save her...you can't save the unwilling).

Further, if your snooping revels she IS NOT cheating....then you'll actually be able to proceed with the separation, dating, marriage counseling, etc....with the knowledge that you are not getting played the fool and you also won't have to chase her around asking her questions or behaving suspiciously yourself because you'll have outside independent evidence of the facts about your life.

You are married...there is no privacy in marriage other than the bathroom. You aren't invading her privacy by snooping on her to confirm you don't have a fox in your MUTUAL marriage.

If you are careful (which is why I suggested the voice activated digital voice recorder in her car because it's passive and very effective in obtaining the facts without much risk of getting caught (don't put your voice of the recorder before hand...practice with the device so you know what you are doing...use velcro to secure it under the seat...buy good batteries...buy everything with cash so it's untraceable to you....deny it's yours if you get caught....don't ever tell her how you got your evidence because you may need it again and because if you do the entire fight will end up being over your supposed invasion of her privacy versus her affair...return the device for a refund within 30 days so you can get your money back after buying the best one you can afford and also so you aren't tempted to perpetually snoop on her which would be unhealthy) then you won't make her mad at all. You can continue doing whatever you want....while following up with independent verification.

[Cadet]

I think this is a waste of TIME and money, she IS cheating, whether it is with another person or not.
Infidelity does not have to have another person involved,
although it usually ends up that there is one.

So what are you going to change with this knowledge that she is cheating?

[CWOL]

Collin, you have to face reality.
Your WW is cheating on you.
None of us believed it at first but they all same the same words to us. In almost exactly the same sequence.

[GWH]

Collin, you have to face reality.
Your WW is cheating on you.
None of us believed it at first but they all same the same words to us. In almost exactly the same sequence.

Exactly!

[Georgia Bulldogs]

Collin,

I happened to notice under your name your location is listed as North Carolina.

I discovered another big reason your wife MAY be separating from you BEFORE finding this other love and happiness:


Maybe this doesn't apply in your situation because your wife works too and makes just as much or more money than you but; if not, and she is your "dependent spouse" separating before committing adultery (or revealing to anyone she is or about to commit adultery) behooves her economically.


Answer me these question:

1. If she is/was cheating....who do you suspect could be the guy?

2. Does she allow you access to her cell phone is it is stuck to her like glue and password protected? Does she guard access to her computer?

3. Do you have access to her cell phone bill? Is there a large escalation in activity over the last few weeks, month....up to a year???

I really don't want you to obsess over this for a long time. The faster you confirm or disprove suspicion the sooner you can get on with executing the most effective recovery plan for you situation.

*afterthought....if she is being so careful as to move out before cheating because of divorce/adultery/alimony laws she MAY be calculated enough to have taken the affair completely underground until AFTER she moves out. In other words...she may not be talking or communicating with OM at all right now. It's just too risky and it makes it harder to claim she met him and fell in love with him AFTER the separation if the phone bill and life indicates they've been way to close for way longer than that. Hopefully she'll feel safe enough in her car to call him and/or talk in secret to one of her girlfriends that happens to be her confidant.

[broke]

Collin,

I don't want to get involved in the snooping vs. not snooping because that is your call. I snooped on my H and didn't find much. However, I wanted to tell you that I believed my H when he said he wasn't cheating. I confronted him 3x about a particular co-worker and he denied every time. Of course, he had already started the PA with her before the bomb drop "ILYBINILWY". My head knew it was happening and my heart didn't want to accept it….that is probably where you are at right now. I sincerely hope that all of us are wrong and she is just having an mlc though. It is truly devastating when it is confirmed - I was physically ill. Good luck

[CWOL]

Darn, I should have moved to NC when I had the chance ten years ago!