Feeling he's in MLC, but in D process

[melweb]

You can vent all you want to/ need to. Thats why we are here.

I am normally an outside girl too (well, when its nice out.) But sometimes I like a rainy crappy day so I can get some laundry done. Or vacuum. Or just watch movies all day!! I call it " a Lifetime movie day". We all need those once in a while.

[ciluzen]

Mel, I think I would like the rainy,crappy day better if it hadn't been such a long-feeling winter and it wasn't H's B-day.

I started a lot of projects, ie packing up house, researching grad programs, looking at housing options and neighborhoods, laundry, etc. Watched a good movie, "Suffregette". We have it much better than the women in the movie, LOL.

D25 called to say she is still unpacking boxes from her move and saving boxes and newspaper for me. I really love her for that! Hoping to meet up with her after work this week-haven't seen her since she moved.

Today looks to be very pretty out, so I think I'll go work more on the property. H was supposed to come out and help, but hasn't called. I am not going to call him (sticking to my guns and no more R talk!) No matter, it has to get done one way or the other.

Nervous about mediation tomorrow, so maybe not the best day to work with him any way.

[melweb]

Just want to wish you good luck in your mediation tomorrow. I will be thinking of you.

[job]

Wishing you the best of luck tomorrow. Dress to the nines, hold your head up, back straight and look them in the eye when addressing them. Don't allow them to see you sweat! Leave the emotions at the door and look at this as a business deal only.

You've got this!

[Nel]

Good luck today, Cil! Show him that confident woman that you are! Keep reminding yourself....it's just a business transaction....it's just a business transaction....it's just a business transaction....

[tfish08]

Stay strong and knock his socks off...confidence you got this!

[ciluzen]

Thank you everyone for the kind words, wishes, and support. It was very, very much appreciated.

I've had a day or so to digest the first mediation. As much as you try to prepare for something, there are always surprises.

My biggest surprise was how incredibly unwell my H looked. Gray, slack, hunched, with a deeply lined face. He looked exhausted and sick. I just saw him last week, but we were outside. For the little bit that I saw him, he kept trying to reach out to make jokes and be friendly with me, but in a tired way, if that makes sense. It seemed like he felt I was the only friend in a group of strangers...I guess I was. I was pretty aloof, partially due to my own nervousness.

Everyone, including H, wanted to hold mediation in the same room. Everyone except H's obnoxious, loud, pitbull L. She insisted on the two separate rooms so that it took two and a half hours of back and forth to agree on what H and I had already agreed on before. Nothing else was decided because no assessments had been made on assets he wanted to keep. No leg work had been done, except what my L had me do. H's L drew it all out to fill the time allotted.

When we later met to go over agreements, H kept making eye contact with me, and when I asked questions or made statements, he agreed with me over his L. It made me realize that she had us in separate rooms solely to draw out the process for the full time allotted. She could be paid more. Ridiculous.

I ended up calling him when I got home 2 hours after. He seemed glad I called. I told him he looked exhausted and he agreed he was. He is literally throwing himself into work and still feeling like he's barely keeping his head above water. I feel sorry for him, but he made the decisions that have caused him to be so overextended. We talked about what happened in mediation (I don't think he has the energy to fight his L for what he says he wants), we talked about what we needed to get done, we talked about his family, what happens after D, and ...a little about his feelings. He cried a little. So did I, but that's normal.

I have said before, when he's tired his mask is off. He can open up and show his fears, his sadness, his depression. He can have an intimate conversation. But when I called him the next morning to ask him to do something, he was awake enough that the mask was back on. The in-charge, "I-don't-think-I-like-you" H was back. He was bristley and defensive, so luckily my call was brief and all business.

My L thanked me in an email that evening for handling the mediation with strength, grace, and class. She also was frustrated by the process and firmly blamed H's L for wasting our time. At least we know what to expect next time. I think we will be much more prepared.

[job]

I'm sorry his lawyer ate up a lot of time to get billable hours. That tells you what she thinks about her client and doing a good job w/o charging an arm and a leg to do so. At least your lawyer appears to be on the up and up.

As for his appearance, I'm not surprised to come here and read how he looked. A lot of them look like that for a while and then they slowly start looking a bit better.

I'm glad this is over and done with. Hopefully next time things will be handled quicker and move on to the next phase w/o much "busy" work by his lawyer.

I hope that you are okay. Take care.

[ciluzen]

Thanks for stopping by, job. I'm doing ok.

I woke up from a strange dream very early this morning. I was at my home talking to my mother and we were looking at the view out the window. It is normally a view of a large field with a big red barn, surrounded by trees with foothills and then mountains beyond. Very relaxing. But in the dream it kept changing and I felt uneasy as I sensed something was off. Then I realized someone had created a fence across my field, not far from my back door, then cattle feeders appeared, then cattle, then I could see children running around and men working. I was trying to confront the (very nice) people as they were then building a large house right across from my back door. They also had long tables set up to feed the work crews and there was dancing and live music...like the wedding this summer in the back yard or like the get togethers at the river house. I kept thinking, "you're blocking my view of the water (there was now a body of water, much like our vacation house)" and no one will buy my house now. I felt despair...sad that I had no control over the situation and was helpless, while everyone was having such a great time enjoying what they had built together. Then I woke up.

I was thinking of skiing today, but D25 decided to come over at 11, so I'm not.

Unexpectedly, H called to see if I was going skiing. This from the guy who didn't respond to my text telling him about some house business and who didn't acknowledge our anniversary even with a "Happy St. Patricks Day" (to be fair, that's just my pity party...I didn't send him anything either...nothing to celebrate). He ended up talking to me all the way up to the ski hill. We did talk as friends, but I also let him know how I felt that we needed to decide most of what we wanted outside of mediation so that the L (his L)didn't cost him an arm and a leg. He agreed with me that what took us 2 1/2 hours in separate rooms of mediation should have taken about an hour together face to face (he corrected me and said 1/2 an hour). We agreed that we would make the time to do this.
I admitted that I was a little jealous that he got to ski today...it is beautiful out. He mentioned waxing my skis for me. I said I wasn't his concern and would figure things out for myself. I'm not sure if I should be that way, though. On the one hand, I feel I am letting him know that I don't need him (especially since he has stated he doesn't need me). But is this DBing? His LL is Act of Service...and I've always kind of done things for myself. 180 for me is to show him I DO need him?

I didn't even say thank you for the offer. I do have some issues with giving him mixed signals myself. I try to listen and validate and be cheerful much of the time, but when he offers to do things for me I get mad. I don't know why. Maybe because I feel I need/want him emotionally, but he's not willing to give that. But he seems to want me to depend on him for what he used to do for me as just perks of being his friend? He calls and talks to frends, he waxes his friends' skis, he helps friends move, he makes drinks for friends. I don't want to just be a friend. We were married for a long time and he has hurt me to my core. It shows, as I get very clipped with him as I did with him offering his help. Consistency is apparently not my strong suit, though. It takes an hour to get to the ski hill, and we talked for about that long.

Sometimes I just miss him so much, miss our good dynamic, I just want to listen to his voice a talk for hours. I can forget the bad stuff when we talk. For a little bit.

[job]

It's okay not to take him up on his offer to wax our skis. It's all a personal preference and you will need to determine what you will and will not accept in the way of "acts of service" from him. Evidently he is thinking of you as a friend right now and being emotionally distant is very typical of someone in crisis.

I'm glad you are doing okay and I think you handled the conversation about what you both need to do before dealing w/the lawyers again.

It's one step at a time and as you begin to find your footing once again, you will feel more comfortable w/the decisions that you make. It's human nature to question whether or not you are doing the right thing by declining his offer because only you can determine what you will or will not accept in the way of "services" from him.

Try to enjoy your weekend.