Feeling he's in MLC, but in D process

[ciluzen]

Its funny, I've been waiting to slide back into despair, the usual result of an R talk with H. It hasn't happened. I'm going to agree with you all that letting of steam was probably a good thing.

I didn't mention it before, but this struck me as funny thinking about it later. After working on the property, H came in and wanted to look at our fridge (he was going to come over and wait for the repairman the next day until I could leave work). We were in the middle of R talk. He kept trying to focus on the fridge and give me direction on helping him clean it and I kept steering him back to the talk as I helped. After we had cleaned up the water from melted ice, he could have left, but he used THOROUGHLY cleaning the fridge as a way to avoid talking. I mean took out glass and scrubbed brackets! I stopped helping and made myself dinner and ate it (I did say there was food if he wanted it). He cleaned it for 2 hours. He kept walking over to me as I ate and I would R talk with him and then he'd go back to cleaning. It wasn't that bad, just had a little water pooled and some drips I hadn't seen where the condiments went. But he took the entire shelf assembly out and apart. He could have left and avoided my venting and questions, but instead he stayed and cleaned.

He did this the last time we had R talk...scrubbed my (clean) kitchen sink while we talked for an hour. I think I should have R talk in the bathroom next time!

H did call the next day to make sure fridge wasn't getting worse and then texted back and forth about repair appointment. This was the first time he stayed at the house alone since he left...he took advantage of the large tv, comfy couch, and satellite tv (he only has 3 stations at his apartment) and was happy about that. It was a home theater set-up that he created and was right next to the room all of his "stuff" is being stored in. I wonder if he had any feelings about that or even noticed?

He ended up leaving when I was 5 minutes from house and passing me on the road with a friendly wave (he was on the phone with me and told me repair guys were on the way). After the guys left and I had updated him via text, he called and asked a few questions, but then wanted to talk about his day and politics, his trip to his L...I answered in very short replies after trying to say goodbye twice. Finally, mid-story, he said "you probably don't want to talk to me, do you?" Like it just occurred to him what our sitch was. I said, "no, but I'll listen." So he kept telling me what he was telling me and then some. I was able to finally say I had to go. A whole conversation (well mostly him talking) about things we actually both have interest in and agree on. This from the guy who says he doesn't like me and says we're too different.

I ask myself constantly, am I holding on to H out of habit? Am I just scared to let him go because I'll be alone? I've done a lot of deep soul searching and a lot of work on myself and who I am. What my wants, needs, interests are without H. I've even questioned whether or not I really enjoyed our "common" interests or really disliked the things I've pulled back from (and why I pulled back). I'm still testing myself on some things and still have a list of things (growing list!) that I want to try. But I'm realizing that I may not NEED him in my life, but I still feel a strong connection and love for him. I still want him in my life. He says he doesn't like me or need me, but I guess I'll go back to the actions speak louder than words idea. We'll have to wait and see. I no longer feel like I'm going to shrivel up and die without him.

Anyway, big GAL moment I'm excited for...I just signed up to be a co-coach for our special education h.s. soccer team! So I'll be busier this season. I am also moving forward on the idea of getting my masters. Narrowed it down to a few local programs and looking at a few online. Talking to counselors is next. Whew! excited and scared.

Also got real estate valuation for the home. Not what we put into it, but higher than I thought it would be. A lot of work to do, but that's a start.

Moving forward with my life. Still love my confused MLC guy. Still standing. But just not standing still.

[peacetoday]

Like it..Not standing still

I like all the questions you ask yourself

I think most MLCers have moments of clarity
they miss the house, their stuff, the TV, the family

Maybe it briefly passes thru their thoughts that they are giving up a lot of stuff
they will newer admit it

and in the end many of them do opt to leave a ll the stuff they worked for- for a fantasy life that will never be created

some start to realize it later after their dream life turns to dust

one of my best friends who also went thru this is now best friends with her XH
He is actively pursuing her for the last 6 months
she doesn't want him back
he like so many others mlcers he had so much lost it-and has nothing at this point and is working temp jobs

You on the other hand sound like as you move forward your fantasy life will be created from hard work and perseverance

[ciluzen]

Job, I can't remove things from the house as part of our temporary orders. I can move things between houses, but not total removal of his stuff. So right now that would be an empty threat.

But long those lines...question time.

The only art in H's office is mine. I have a meeting set up in two weeks with a gallery to display my work. I am thinking of removing most of my work from H's office. It is a source of pride for him and he gets very excited about every compliment, every sign of interest from clients, and every sale. He loves that I create and he and his staff love the pictures. This would be a very big and very noticeable move on my part, and would generate some uncomfortable conversations with clients. He still speaks of supporting my art career, and that venue does get me attention, but it feels like cake eating in a way.

Any thoughts? Should I make that a part of mediation and D?

He is also my healthcare provider and I have an appointment soon. I'm thinking of cancelling it and going to a friend in the same profession, but this will impact a supportive friend in his office as well.

Just some questions I've been wrestling with.

[job]

I think I would let him know that you are considering taking the art work out of his office and I would point out that you are planning to have your work displayed at a gallery in the near future. The art work is yours and I would imagine it is on loan to the office and you didn't "gift or sell" it to the office. I would certainly discuss it in mediation.

I would also consider retaining my own healthcare provider. I certainly wouldn't want him to have any knowledge of issues dealing with my health, if they should come up in the future.
But, that's my opinion. I would certainly encourage you to look around before saying anything about changing up.

[BrightFuture]

I would agree on getting your own healthcare provider, but I’m not so sure about the artwork. I think that if you are ready to cut all the ties with your H, then yes, go ahead and ask for your art to be removed from his office. If not, I would leave it alone. Just my opinion. Unless it represent a significant value and something that needs to be discussed up front in terms of assets.

[ciluzen]

Thank you job and Bright for weighing in. I appreciate the ideas.

My mediation is Monday and I have no idea what to expect. I guess I'll just see how that goes and then revisit the issues.

I'm just strangely calm right now about everything except for little issues like those. I've actually been able to sleep through the night and wake only a half hour before my alarm goes off. I'd been waking up one, two, or three hours after hitting the pillow. This is a welcome change.

[job]

I'm glad to come here and read that you are able to get a bit more sleep. You'll find that your energy level will perk up w/getting more sleep.

The most important thing is to take care of yourself.

[ciluzen]

-Feeling a little down today. Its H's birthday and I sent him a Happy Birthday text. He sent me one which I thanked him for so I sent his (no reply). So that was on par with the new normal.

But then I spoke to my mother, who had to tell me she called to wish him a happy birthday and briefly spoke to him. She then said she asked if he would be getting cake anywhere and he had replied he probably was. She loves to dish. So I had to set some boundaries. I explained that I didn't need to hear things like that. It just starts my mind cycling on who? where? Did he ask? How many former "friends"? Big party? What am I missing? I then start comparing all the things I have had to do for myself and how I feel like a victim in this situation. I explained again. THIS IS NOT FOR YOU TO GET INVOLVED IN. THIS IS NOT FOR YOUR ENTERTAINMENT. I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR ALL THAT HE IS DOING OR WHAT PEOPLE ARE DOING FOR HIM. I really don't want to focus on him. She calls me twice a day to talk about how I'm doing, but I've taken to avoiding her calls due to her using it to entertain herself under the guise of helping.

Anyway. Just venting. I'll go back to my regularly scheduled getting my house sorted and packed up party.

[job]

Keep your expectations at zero. It was nice of you to send your h birthday greetings, but he may or may not recognize your text today. Some day, he may mention it. I know you are disappointed, but try not to focus on it. You did what you would normally do for anyone that is celebrating their special day.

As for whether he's celebrating his birthday or not...who knows and right now...you don't need to worry about it. When your mother questioned him about today, he may have lied to her just so that it would get back to you...again, not your circus to deal w/today. Your mother apparently loves the drama and wants to be all up in the middle of it. I think you did the right thing by telling her that you didn't want to hear about what he's doing, etc. Set your boundaries w/her, i.e., the less you tell her the better.

You are doing well...don't allow the MLC train to derail your plans for the day.

[ciluzen]

Thanks, job, for being the voice of reason. I'm better now that I've vented. I'm normally an "outside" type of girl, but the rain is a bit much so I'm doing all inside stuff today. I get a little stir crazy.