I agree with Painter. Take you daughter to someone. Have her talk to someone without you or her Mom present. You don't want to wait. It does not have to be a family thing. It can be all about your daughter.
I'm going to give you some tough love now....
You wrote a card.... "Mother's Day I got my wife a couple of small gifts from our children and I gave her a card thanking her for the things that she does for our children and went arround to my mums house for a meal."
Did you then write her another card thanking her for not working on the relationship, breaking up the family and selling the house? Maybe I'm out of line. But what was your real motivation for the card. Was it... that if maybe she read the write words she would give you a hug and the hug would turn to a kiss and the kiss would turn into a relationship?
Car.... "My W had a flat battery on her car yesterday and I bump started the car for her she did not know how I am not the kind of person not to do this I just feel that she wants this separation so she should have to stand in her own two feet in difficult times I just don't want to come across as an a$$"
Did she call you and ask for help? If so, why not call her a tow truck? Was it perhaps that showing her an act of kindness would bring her back?
Doing your best or being your best does not mean you have to be her Mr Fix It or Mr Nice Guy. Those are positions for BFs or Hs. I suppose there are many different avenues or strategies for bringing a relationship back to life. Multiple people follow DB through tough love, and some stories are about "befriending" people back together.
I think a better frame of reference for you may be this. If you were in another relationship and she called, what would you do?
If you were in another relationship and she called about her car... What would you do? I'd call a tow truck.
I don't mean for this to be over the top. I just saw a pattern and thought it was worth exploring.
Regardless, help your daughter and put her first. Try to find out what stressors are triggers for her and minimize them.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
If I speak to my daughter and the Reason for her unhappiness is that mummy and daddy are still living in the same house yet they are seporated and she wants to live in separate house...do I then move out ....or if she says she is unhappy because mummy and daddy are splitting up then do I talk to W qgain ..this is not going to change wife's decision to separate
I get that things had to change in our relationship I did not see that splitting up is the only way forward .
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
You need to have the conversation first, and then find the answer. Not find the answers and then have the conversation. You also can't use your D as a way to motivate your W. That won't work. Your W needs to see the damage she is doing for herself. Experience is the best teacher.
D is going to be upset about the separation. You are also raising a girl to be smart, strong and resourceful (right)... Taking her to work through it on her own with someone is important and may be the only solution.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Hi Ghost. You are sounding better but still not quite where you need to be. Your W has made it clear she is out of the M. If you accept that's how she feels now then you have full control over how you deal with it.
Guilt will not bring her back and if it did , for how long ?
Money issues won't bring her back and if they did , for how long ?
Pity won't bring her back and if it did , for how long ?
Do you get my drift ???
The ONLY way you want W back is if she wants to be with you End of story
Let's say D wants the family to stay together and you tell W this , what's the BEST case scenario ? She stays out of guilt and once D is better W is gone again
i too want my W back and she's being temp testing for almost a year but I act as if and get on with my life Until my W asks to work on a new R then anything else isn't acceptable to me because I'l deserve someone who loves and respects me AMD SO DO YOU I was with W for 25 years and we have 4 kids. Don't sell yourself short , you trying to hold on to the image of W and not who W really is now
Re D , my D15 is similar to your D and I dealt with it and never mentioned to W about her role in it because if W cannot see it for herself then nothing I say will change that I NEVER guilt trip W and deal with everything because I don't want W to be influenced by me because it will only rebound
Just my thoughts G because you need to let go any idea that you can influence your W in a positive way or a quick way.
See some improvement with you but still a long way to go.
1) If this is the same daughter who wants to BF to spend night over then stop treating her like a child. You are not daddy and W is not mummy. You are parents. She is not fragile. She is cleverer and tougher than you.
2) Can you see how f@cked up your sentence is? "the Reason for her unhappiness is that mummy and daddy are still living in the same house yet they are seporated and she wants to live in separate house...do I then move out"? What about other children? Dont they get a vote to keep you at home or does eveyone want you to leave? Secondly, why would she want to live in separate houses? Maybe you mean she wants to live with W? Then let her but you would be committing suicide by leaving. It is your house. If she is old enough to want you to leave she is old enough to decide to stay or go because you are not.
3) Why why why talk to W. What do you expect to get out of your W? How does doing that change anything?
as for your last sentence let it slide. it is more of the same G 1.0 asking the same questions or making the same comments.
Finally, many of the questions you ask you would not need to if you really worked on your self esteem and matured. Before asking questions think on the answers. I bet you know them already. Dont ask people for answers you want to hear.
Your question about moving out .. if everyone said yes you would come back some posts later giving reasons why you shouldnt or comment about some incident and make another question but you will not leave.
All of these issues G are really what have made you lose all this time. You have not changed deep down.
As a petrolhead to another petrolhead you have done a DIY paint job but never a real overhaul. Until you sandblast all the way down to the core and rebuild up you will never really move forward or on successfully.
So,not,sure,if,I am getting anywhere it has been 10 months since bing date and I still find myself breaking down in tears It is becoming more and more clear to me that she is gone and will not be coming back I need to move myself to the next level but I really struggle with my feelings they always get in the bloody way
RD you have been fantastic and tithings you say I really do try to understand
I know that it will happen and that my two year old is going to be bought up by two parents who both love her but from a broken marriage.
I really struggle to see any positives and then thoughts of somone else bringing her up other partners for my wife or myself ..breaks my heart
I really do not want this to happen but I do not get to choose
Detaching and gal are two things I really need to grasp
Moving to smaller houses and for me to bring up four children on a part time basis scares me and upsets me
Nothing much to add other than I do not want to be the one to start this really moving even tho I might regret not doing so at a later time
My 12 year old is struggling with this as well
I have to start to de clutter room by room
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
I am seeing my counsellor tomorrow for my last session and then I am also seeing someone for some CBT. Therapy
My wife is in a very different position to me I realise that she has moved in and I am no longer a part of her life I want to be
Every day I am realising more and more that I have not been a great partner why I did not see this at the time I do not know
I am changing myself seeing a personal trainer three times a week and doing exercises in the other days I am eating healthy and the next few months I hope to see some dramatic changes with how I look
I have become a better dad to my children and I have been a better man towards my W we have lived in house together and this has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.
A lot of what I am writing here is rambling and has been said by me many times ...sometimes I just have to vent so please stay with me while I try to accept fully that my marrage is over and the life that I had is over. My children deserve better my W deserved Better I deserve better yet I still cannot see that living apart from my W will not make things better yet it might.
My twelve year old has become very clingy and putting him through this breaks my heart
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
First of all, you are not putting your children trough it, your wife is. Although it is true that your W is not 100% at fault fot the demise of your marriage, you are not either.
Secondly, you say that you cannot see how living apart from your W can make things better, but in 10 months of living with her did it get ANY better? I think not. I think time away from W will do you a world of good. Sure, there will be an adjusting period required, but from then on things will be improving. Of course the kids will need an adjustment period as well, and they will need all the love you can spare.
Make sure you improve for yourself and not in a weak attempt to "win" your W back. The benefits of a better you are enormous. Be sure to thank the higher power every day, because you are blessed. You have 4 beautiful children, you have a roof over your head and food on your table, that makes you well ahead of at least 4 billion people.
Stay strong. IMO the separation will do you a wold of good...
Hi G , no one minds when you vent , that's normal I think one of the biggest things we have to accept is that our sitchs are not unique. Of course we all have twists and some are much worse than others but yours is not one of the bad ones
Can we look at the positives ,
4 beautiful kids A full time job that you love Your health Food on the table A chance to improve you
That's a whole lot more than many others
The positives in your sitch
W is not being the worst, No OM shoved in your face Your have full access to your kids finically you will be ok
Read some sitchs on here G and the pain people are put through is more than I could take My point is be grateful for what you do have as opposed to what you don't.
We all completely get how you feel , really we do. My Ws hair has started falling out , she has no money and is on anti Ds , I love this woman and have to stand by and let her continue down her path BECAUSE it's NER CHOICE It breaks my heart to see her this way. She was a strong , independent person and now she's like a shell of her former self but I have no choice I help were I can and if asked but other than that I let her get on with it
This is what we are trying to get you to understand , we all feel your pain and get why you are where you are emtionally and want to to slow down , listen to the advice and follow DB I've been on here for well over a year and seen lots of people come and go and whatever happens in their sitch, it takes time , a long time and that's what you need to accept
Your W is 100% certain life will be better without you and maybe she's right or maybe she's wrong but either way she is determined to see That's crap for you and terrible for the kids BUT the kids will learn to cope and you will too.
Again , we all know how you feel , if we didn't we wouldn't be on this site In the first place Accept what is and let W do her own thing Improve G for Gs sake and live your life One day you will see W is not your whole world , it just seems that way right now
Today's a new day G , how about from today own , G accepts his reality and live accordingly , the pain will lesson with time and hard work on your part
