Feeling he's in MLC, but in D process

[Nel]

Cil-

I hope it goes well working with your H today. It's so hard because everything will seem normal until you remember that it's not.

Knowledge is power. It is good that you are doing lots of reading on MLC. I have read so much and it has helped me be more compassionate toward what he is going through. I also just today read more on depression and how it affects marriages. It is unbelievable how these guys' behavior is so similar!

Nel

[Butterc]

" I can drive myself nutty analyzing each detail. So I guess I just wait, but live my life at the same time."

Cil, can I just walk beside you? I'm also waiting and living my life.

[ciluzen]

Oh my. I think I've blown it all to heck and back. And I almost don't care.

Midweek I had a real estate agent come to our home to value it and then we headed up to the vacation home to get a value on it. After she had left, after I had told stories about things in each room, I was overcome with emotion. Then I got angry. I did more work on that house than anyone and yet I have been told I'm not welcome there. So, I removed all of my clothing, makeup, toothbrush, etc. Then all of my paintings. Then all of my DVDs. If I could have, I would have removed every piece of furniture I acquired, refinished, and hauled into the house. Unpainted every wall. Punched holes into every place I had patched. Unhung every shelf, towel bar, light fixture, etc. So Angry.

H came over and, although he would talk in short statements, refused to look at me. He had brought a bunch of boxes from work for me to use to pack up the house (I had asked him to). He mentioned that he had spent the night at the vacation home...nothing about all that was missing, but he could also see that they were displayed around my living room and stair area.
We worked on the property together, but his absolute refusal to look at me (he talked to the air) started to bother me.

Our mediation is a week away. A few weeks ago, he had said that he wanted to hammer out a plan as much as we could before mediation, but we never did. So, I brought that up. I then found out that even though he's been meeting with his L for quite a few weeks, he knew nothing other than the date. He didn't know the cost, time allotted, or (if he was honest) what he needed to bring. I told him I had to prove a lot of financials and values. I sure hoped he had his info, because we were paying a lot for this guy's time. He looked surprised.

I suddenly realized how unemotional he was about this whole thing. He did say it bothered him that one of us wouldn't be living in our house and mentioned the dog a few times, but H just seemed great with our D. It got to me. R talk happened...almost mutually.

This time, however, because he was so done and uncaring and unapologetic, my anger bunnies started to stampede. All of those angry, imaginary conversations I'd had while walking through the house alone? Those words were finally verbalized. I didn't yell, or plead, or beg, and there were only a few tears that sneaked out.

He told me he'd tried for years to save our marriage. I countered with you didn't try WITH me. He told me he told me over and over that we had problems and I just didn't listen. I told him alluding to being unhappy or just saying "I'm fine" when I asked what's wrong or why he looked sad was not communicating. Turning to another woman was not working on our marriage. The fact that everyone saw that he was doing that was even worse.

I did not DB. I did not do much validating. I let everything out. There was no screaming or yelling. Some intensity. And then I was done.

What did I learn from this? His contempt for me through his eye rolling was obvious. How do you fight contempt? He also mentioned my air of superiority. I guess I do come across that way to others, but I always followed his lead and was pretty humble around him. As that also is a term he wouldn't normally use, I suddenly realized...those were not his words. That is something his lady friend would say. He has worked on our marriage with HER.

I guess I'm just going to accept this D. I can't put that anger back in me...it felt too good to let it out. It did nothing for my M, I know, but at least its out. H's reactions, although he still held most of his feelings inside or refused to verbalize, let me know how little he really valued our M. He thinks he "tried". But he didn't work with me at all. I don't see that changing ever, at this point.

This is the first time that we've interacted that I haven't felt sad or hopeful the next day.

[melweb]

My heart is just breaking for you right now Cil. I have no words that could even come close to helping you.

[ciluzen]

You know? I got tired of being pleasant, sweet and cheerful. I got to have my say. I got to give my point of view. I got to show my anger at the situation and his inability to express himself.

He arrived an hour late and refused to look at me. He got to see the vacation home with bare walls and no sign of my stuff. I have no idea why he didn't move my stuff out of sight as I had done with his at our home. It looked like I was still staying there. So, I "helped" by moving it out. Why would that upset him (I know, mind reading) enough to not look at me? Did he LIKE it surrounding him?

I feel surprisingly good. More focused. Stronger. My door is still propped open, but my back is to it.

H and I still have things to accomplish together before this D is up. He called to check on our appliance this morning and waited here for the repairman until I was almost home. Waved as he passed me. Called to check on appliance and, when I tried to get him off the phone, wanted to talk politics. As if nothing happened. He still is trying to be friends. SMDH.
This MLC is just sad. But my blasting really seems to have helped me drop the rope. I can feel better about moving forward now. Still hoping he finds his way out.

[job]

Sometimes we have to let them have it. You've stated your thoughts and feelings and you are going to feel better about it. Now, you just pick yourself up and continue moving forward.

Your h couldn't look at you because he feels a lot of guilt. If he looked at you, he would have seen the pain in your eyes and that would have made him feel worse. His empathy chip is broken and/or nonexistent right now. He has to make himself cold so that he doesn't feel anything. It's all part of the MLC. Trust me, when he was by himself later, he thought a lot about selling the house and vacation home.

Don't worry about whether or not you messed things up. Again, sometimes we have to tell them like it is and this was one of those times.

Continue to focus on you and keep moving forward.

[ciluzen]

Thanks, job. I needed to hear that.

I did need to blow out all that was in my head. I guess it really bothered me that every time we had positive interactions, it was mostly due to me being fun and cheerful and acting "as if". He could probably feel no pressure or guilt. He could look me in the eye and we could smile together at each other as if nothing was wrong. I'm sure seeing the vacation home without my presence in the form of my stuff gave the opposite effect. It probably showed him it wasn't all ok, and hence the guilt and no eye contact.

We are only selling our home, the one I'm living in. He asked to keep the vacation home, as he has "a cr#ppy apartment" and goes there as much as possible on weekends. I agreed with him keeping it and his office, but was assessing the vacation home because I want him to buy me out.

He did mention for the first time that the vacation home didn't work out the way he'd planned...that neither of our kids think of it as theirs and never go up. They are supporting themselves and often work on weekends..its too far away for a quick day trip. He has never understood this. He mentioned selling it but not being able to right now because of the D.

He has made no effort to move any of his stuff out of our home. I wish he would, as I have been packing up stuff to give to kids, sell, donate, or keep. We're still early in this game, though. I blew off enough steam that I can go back to no pressure on him.

I really appreciate the support you all on this forum give. It has made this journey so much more bearable.

[job]

Give him a drop dead date of packing up his stuff. Advise him that if he doesn't have it packed and gone by such and such date, that you are going to have someone come in and get the stuff and take it to Goodwill or some other place. I don't care if he is acting like a brat, he's old enough to pack this stuff up.

[mleigh4]

I think we need to blow that steam here and there! Honestly, it's well deserved and it keeps our sanity. So, now you got it off your chest and you keep moving forward. Let him chew on it. And like Job said, he can't look at you because of guilt. I had those days, I blew up and let H have it quite a bit in the beginning.

Just don't hold onto it, find your peace and be good to you. You are doing good, during a really difficult time. Stay strong. ((Hugs))

[Butterc]

What Job said about being cold...And empathy chip missing? Rings true here. My WAS is fine and best friendy until Wham he gets hit with another wave of my anger. So whether it's the guilt over what they know they have done to us, or a discomfort in facing anger, or even in the denial of how they feel about theit own actions, the turtle in his shell is one of many defense mechanisms.

I don't like sit with the anger and and have let it out when I need to. Then i can go back to my own GAL and PMA in order to move forward, although at a snail's pace.

It's actually not been that long for us, and I think we're doing quite well.