V is for Vanilla 28

[Squiggy]

V, you must come cook for me. Sounds yummy

[Vanilla]

Squiggy you need to try my cocoa peanut butter sesame treats.

Or my blueberry chia delice slice with coconut cream.

Or my preserved lemon and vanilla cheesecake on a quinoa base.

Or my ginger oat flake

Ha, the way to the heart is through the taste buds.

I got this sussed and you can come to my big summer party at the big house

V

[Vanilla]

I also make great dark chocolate covered cherries for kids. Almond milk and raspberry ice pops. Frozen blueberry and lemon mush.

So the kids are well catered to as well.

V

[Vanilla]

Tomorrow is WH 60 birthday, happy birthday WH wherever you are.

I wish you peace and serenity on that day.

V

[Fogg]

(((V))) hugs? I think that's how you do it. Anyway, hope things are going well for you.

Eating healing and those lifestyle changes are much better than a diet anyway. Its great it's all food you enjoy and making you feel better at the same time.

[Vanilla]

Thank you Fogg, mega hugs back to you.

It is four o'clock in the morning and I am really struggling again. I have night terrors and I am feeling nameless dread.

It is fear and apprehension which has no sense to it. Extensive flashbacks and PTSD, I know they are not real but for the immediate period after waking I am really afraid and then it settles into anxiety. It is way above threshold for meds which don't help much and ironically have a paradoxical effect.

At least they are less during the daytime now, it's just the night.

I often feel like I am being smothered and suffocated. I puke and lose control and then sit in a warm bath because I sweat and it's unpleasant. I feel like I have a large lump in my stomach as if I have eaten a large mass of pus coloured rubber.

I tell mysel it will pass and I make sure I rest.

Truly unsettling.

Sometimes it's the creeping man from Twin Peaks and then it's silent, that nightmare wakes me silently and my mouth is dry and truly tastes awful.

The days following these episodes are a struggle.

This morning a little lost.

V

[Thornton]

Hey V,

That sounds awful. I'm sorry you are going through that.

What are your flashbacks of?

[Vanilla]

Usually just WH standing there, his mouth is moving and his face is angry but there is no sound. His eyes are the shark eyes and he stares, his body is still a little like a waxwork dummy. He is always about 6 feet away from me facing me. Sometimes I can whoosh him away and he goes for a month or so.

Sometimes if I am lying down I feel like I am being smothered and it's dark. I am unsure of the reality although he sometimes threatened if I fell ill he could smother me. He suggested on one occasion that my father should smother my mother and then stated it wasn't that difficult to do.

WH pretended it was a joke and I was at fault for not finding it funny, my fav cousin and her H were there at the time and it caused serious issues with my family. Old ground that I wished would shift from my memory.

In my nightmares WH is a creeping man and sometimes a maggot feeding from a flap of dead flesh on my stomach, there is an open wound. That's truly blizzard and my IC says it is very strange that in that state all I am is curious.

I just wish I could forget.

Occasionally it's just like being out of body or numbing and tingling, dizziness and I have to sit down, sometimes I feel exhausted and need to sleep. Sometimes I just want to eat sugary things. Other times I can't eat or drink or swallow like there is a lump.

This makes me sound disturbed I suppose although I am always calm until the nausea starts.

V

[broke]

V - that sounds truly awful. I'm so sorry you have to go through that. It sounds so real - I'm sure it's terrifying for you. I have to say - I'm glad you are free of your WH. If he's what's causing these horrible flashbacks I'm glad he's in Italy and no where near you.

You are so helpful and giving on these boards. I value your feedback greatly. I sincerely hope you can get your D moving in the right direction and the flashbacks will stop. I'm thinking and praying for you. ((Hugs))

[Thornton]

I mirror what Broke said.

That is so heavy, V. It definately sounds like PTSD. What kinds of things are you doing to help yourself get past this?

Are you seeing a trauma therapist?