No where to start but to come straight out and say it: I ruined my marriage. I treated it like a hobby and I always lived under the illusion that I could act/say/do whatever (never cheated though) and my wife would stay with me, because...well...because marriage. So, I blew it. I admit it. Also, to continue my rash of screw ups, what did I do when she told me? Refer to item #1 in the list of things to NOT do...I did that...all of that.
So, when my wife told me she wasn't happy and wanted to move out, why was I surprised? I guess what she has been claiming all along: SELFISHNESS. I agree, maybe there is a little lot of selfishness in me.
She is planning her move sometime in April when our daughter is tracked out of school and can go stay with a friend. In the meantime I am relegated to the couch. (Admittedly, it's surprisingly comfortable) I've been trying the 180 (not saying "I love you" is the hardest) Cause what if she thinks, well, he's accepting it and moving on? Anyways, my 180 fell apart last night, because, well... I told her I didn't want her to move out and I think she's screwing up by doing so.
Pretty much what I think I got out of her rebuke was: she wasn't happy at home, doesn't know if she'll ever be happy at home, her mind is made up, she's leaving. She is willing to go see a counselor only AFTER she's left. I told her that, "I don't know what your grand plan is in all of this, I don't know if you want to go live the single life or what. But, for me, I'm going to take advantage of this situation to become the best me I can be so I can be a better husband for you, because that's what I want and I love you." I left it at that and had to go pick up our daughter. Dang it felt good saying that though!
Time to start the 180 in earnest now though. But, we have events we have to attend (we foster dogs and have adoption events/vet trips/etc..). I don't know how to "behave" on these. Act like a married couple? Act like friends? Avoid her while we're there? If I am understanding the list correctly, don't act "married" but act cordial. Be her friend, not her husband. Am I right?
I think the hardest part is church though. Because our church is the one she grew up in and she got me going to it. I help out with the A/V and she helps out with the kids, so just not going is not an option. So, we have to be there together. All the while, she doesn't want it to get out that we're separating. Not at church, to her parents, to anyone. I guess it's just going to be our secret. Sort of feels like hanging out in limbo.
M:36 W:31 D:12 M: 8/9/10 ILYBNILWY/"want space": 2/14-ish/16 W moved out 5/24/16.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thanks. Definitely DON'T want to be here. But, I guess I should've thought about that 5 years ago. Who would've thought, it takes a lifetime full of work for a lifetime commitment? (Sarcasm)
M:36 W:31 D:12 M: 8/9/10 ILYBNILWY/"want space": 2/14-ish/16 W moved out 5/24/16.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I've been lurking around here for a few days before I posted. It's just comforting to see that I am not alone in my troubles. All of us guys (and some girls) are going through (somewhat) similar situations.
Cadet, you said she gave me the "Gift of Time". Funny you say that. The other day I was flipping through the channels and I came across Andy Stanley (say what you will about televangelist, but for whatever reason I stopped and watched) he was talking about starting over and how "Time is your friend". I think my problem is (and always has been) I wanted it to be resolved when I think it should be...NOW! But if I somehow conned her into staying it would just ultimately lead to more resentment. I have the rest of my life to "win her back". Isn't that the ultimate goal here - to repair what we broke?
M:36 W:31 D:12 M: 8/9/10 ILYBNILWY/"want space": 2/14-ish/16 W moved out 5/24/16.
Cadet, you said she gave me the "Gift of Time". Funny you say that. The other day I was flipping through the channels and I came across Andy Stanley (say what you will about televangelist, but for whatever reason I stopped and watched) he was talking about starting over and how "Time is your friend". I think my problem is (and always has been) I wanted it to be resolved when I think it should be...NOW! But if I somehow conned her into staying it would just ultimately lead to more resentment. I have the rest of my life to "win her back". Isn't that the ultimate goal here - to repair what we broke?
YES - DB101 - Patience.
Something most don't understand that doing NOTHING is really doing something!
Last night, we had to run to Durham to take the foster puppies to the vet for their check up. All in all it was a good night. No arguments or fussing. We talked (not about the situation) and laughed a little bit. It was fun. I didn't once even bring it up, reach over to hold her hand or rub her neck. We get home, I get in the shower and go assume my place on the couch. Sitting at work now, not emailing her is a pain. We used to email back and forth all the time. I want to be like SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...we had fun, it can work out. But, I know I can't. I just got to chip away. Keep on chipping. If I try to jump right in it will make me look so bad. It's not what she wants now. I need to respect her now and take babysteps.
I like coming in here and saying what I've done or what I plan to do. I feel like it helps keep me in check and grounded. It's nice knowing that I'm not in this alone. There are (unfortunately) other guys out there watching their wives leave them because of something they (the guys) did/didn't do.
Too bad there's not a local DB group where all the guys who have screwed up their marriage can get together and help support each other.
I'm going to take the time this weekend to read the hw. For now, I just use the Google Keep app and copied Sandi's list to it. So whenever I feel myself slipping I can pull my phone out and read through it real quick to reel me back in.
The panthers motto this year was #KeepPounding. Mine is going to be #KeepChipping.
M:36 W:31 D:12 M: 8/9/10 ILYBNILWY/"want space": 2/14-ish/16 W moved out 5/24/16.
Welcome Collin, sorry to hear about your situation! Have you started looking for some GAL's, such as a new hobby, old hobby, going out with friends, or my personal favorite Gym/Working out?
I find the gym really helps me deal with the stress and sleep much better.
